Page 49 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

Glittering pink and champagne-colored balloons floated in the air much to the delight of the jubilant guests—especially our baby. Alana Catherine squealed with joy every time one floated by her. I’d never been hugged and kissed so much in my life. I held my daughter in my arms, and my husband stood at our side. It was every kind of wonderful.

Until it wasn’t...

“What the fuck is that?” Candy Vargo shouted, pointing to the sky.

Three blindingly bright lights were headed our way. They bounced through the air clumsily and crashed into each other multiple times.

“Aliens?” Carl squawked.

“I think UFOs,” Dirk squealed.

Tim immediately pulled out his notebook. He glanced up at the incoming lights then spoke. “Doesn’t look like any UFO I’ve seen,” he said. “But a total of 12,618 sightings have been recorded from 1948 until 1969. I’m quite sure the recent numbers are much higher.”

“How in the fuck is that helping?” Candy demanded, tossing her toothpicks in the air, then waving her hands and arming herself like she was ready to go into battle.

“I don’t know,” Tim said frantically. “My go-to instinct in times of danger is reciting facts. And speaking of… did you know that thousands of Americans have taken out insurance against aliens?”

Heather rolled her eyes, her multitude of tattoos doing a war dance along her skin as she prepared for the incoming fight. “Not helping. Everyone, get in a line. If we have to, we’ll destroy it. However, we need to figure out if they come in peace before we blow them up.”

No, no, no, I thought. Not on my freaking wedding day! I’d be damned if some extraterrestrial from outer space was going to ruin my special day.

“Excellent thinking,” Charlie said as his eyes went icy blue and his badass showed. “Rafe, Prue and Abby get June, Amelia, Missy, Jennifer and Alana Catherine into the house. Gideon drop a ward around it once they’re inside.”

Things were getting serious. Shit, shit, shit.

“On it,” Gideon said, ushering the humans and our child to safety.

The lights were still zig-zagging toward us, getting bigger by the second. “Ghosts,” I shouted, my hands sparking like they were about to detonate. “I want you to hide. We don’t know the intentions of the umm… aliens… or, whatever they are. Until we do, disappear. NOW.”

In a gust of wind, the dead vanished from sight. I shook my head. Was I ever going to get a day of freaking peace? It certainly didn’t seem like it.

“Ward has been dropped,” Gideon said as he joined the line of defense.

I glanced over at him. “This is either going to turn out to be a great story or a shitshow. Thoughts?”

“I’m going with great story until further notice,” he replied, watching the incoming lights warily. “However, if it becomes a shitshow, I’m ready.”

I nodded and adjusted my expectations. “Me too.”

And then something amazing happened.

Something unbelievable.

Something I didn’t think was possible.

However, nothing was impossible… one just had to believe.

I squinted as the dots of light grew closer. From a distance, they had looked like balls of fire. At closer inspection… they didn’t look like balls at all.

They were shaped like bodies. A surge of joy jolted through me when I recognized our incoming aliens as the ghostly bodies of three old women wearing conservative Chanel suits and sensible pumps.

“Well, I have fuckin’ never,” Candy Vargo shouted, tossing her sword to the ground and running toward the incoming aliens.

Tim joined her and waved like a madman as the gals came in for a crash landing.

“Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?” Heather asked with a laugh. Her magical tattoos were no longer dancing menacingly over her skin. Instead, they were waltzing blissfully up and down her arms.

“Umm… yes,” I said, already crying. “Gideon, drop the ward. Tell everyone to come back out. We have some late guests.”

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