Page 47 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“Relax your fuckin’ sphincter crack,” Candy said. “You can just pull ‘em out of your ass.”

“Candy Vargo,” Gram called out, waggling her finger.

“Whoops,” Candy said. “I meant to say, relax your fornicating gluteal muscles.”

“Lordy have mercy,” Gram choked out on a laugh. “I ain’t sure that’s much better. But at least it wasn’t an F-bomb.”

“Say what’s in your heart,” Heather said.

“Grand idea,” Fred agreed.

My sister was right. She was usually right. However, I needed someone else with us to do it correctly. I held up a finger to Gideon, who seemed a bit confused. Hustling over to June, I held out my arms for my baby. In order to marry Gideon, we needed our entire little family together. With our child cradled to my chest, I walked back to the man I wanted to spend my long life with. His smile was what I expected. The happy tears in his eyes, I did not. For a Demon, the guy was in touch with his emotions. He was a keeper.

He pulled us close and whispered in my ear. “Say your vows, Counselor.”

“Getting there, Reaper,” I replied as Alana Catherine reached up and pulled his hair with a giggle that made my waterworks turn on. I inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. Speaking from my heart was easy. I was so filled with love I just let it rip. “Gideon, you’re the love of my life—my best friend. I promise you this, every day I will cherish you. I will love you. I will laugh and cry with you. I’ll be by your side to kick ass when necessary, which I hope we get a break from for a little while.” The crowd laughed. They got it. We all needed a freaking break. “I’m your ride or die, and you’re mine. I don’t know what I did in my life to get so lucky, but I’m thankful for it with all of my heart. Together, we’ll have a home full of love for our daughter, and I want to live each day of our seriously long lives with you by my side. I promise to be your partner, lover and bestie until the end of time. My life truly started the day I met you.”

Gideon’s grin set my thong on fire, and the kiss he planted on my lips made my head spin.

“Keep your tongue in your mouth, boy,” Candy grunted, slapping the Grim Reaper on the back of the head. “You need to pull some vows out of your ass, and then I’ll say the man and wife shit.” She checked her notes on the toothpick box. “After that, you can go on up to your room and bang. Got it?”

“Got it,” Gideon said with a wince and a chuckle. He turned his attention to me and got very serious. “Daisy, my life started when you came into it. You make it worth living and even though I didn’t know it, I’d been waiting an eternity for you. Literally.” His lopsided grin made my knees weak. “It wasn’t until you came into my life that I truly understood what love meant. You and Alana Catherine are the reasons for each and every breath I take.” He paused and chuckled. “Kind of like the stalker song that was played when you walked down the aisle.”

I laughed. Hard. The queens didn’t. They were wildly confused.

“That being said,” Gideon continued. “I promise to be your husband, best friend, lover and partner in juicy boner justice until the end of time.” I giggled, and he grinned. “I promise to love, cherish and worship you and our daughter. I will protect you with my life… because my existence would be meaningless without you. I love you.”

“Love you more,” I whispered.

“Not possible,” he shot back.

“You done, fucker?” Candy Vargo asked Gideon.

“For the love of everything you ain’t supposed to say at a wedding,” Gram grumbled. “Candy Vargo, you’re makin’ my rump itch. I swear I’m gonna jerk you bald if you don’t control that potty mouth.”

“Will do, Gram,” Candy said, blanching. Only Gram could put the Keeper of Fate in her place without being electrocuted. Gram might be dead, but she still ruled the roost.

“Yes, I’m done,” Gideon said.

“Okay then, by the power vested in me because I took an online crash course in officiating weddings, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You can now stick your tongue down Daisy’s throat or go on upstairs and bang. However, it is rather obvious you’ve had premarital sex due to the bundle of joy in your hands…” She waved a hand in front of her face and wrinkled her nose. “Who may or may not have just pooped her pants.”

It wasn’t a typical wedding, but we weren’t typical. And Candy was correct. Alana Catherine had just dropped a few friends off at the lake. It would be dealt with shortly. But it could wait a minute. Now, it was time for a lip lock with my husband.

Gideon leaned in and kissed me.

I kissed him right back.

The deal was sealed, and nothing in the world could make me happier.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Gideon and I were commanded to take a quick break to change clothes for the reception. The queens, with naughty expressions on their faces, insisted they needed an hour to set up the finale of the extravaganza. Heather and Missy took Alana Catherine for a diaper change and stroller ride. Candy Vargo mentioned the banging part of the vows again and only stopped pontificating about it when Gram threatened to cancel her birth certificate. Everyone else tried to hide their grins and pretend they had no clue what was going on.

They failed and were fooling no one.

We were fooling no one as we casually walked back into the house then raced up the stairs to our bedroom like horny teenagers.

“We’ve got an hour,” Gideon said, tearing his tux off and tossing it aside. He made quick work of my gown before throwing me onto the bed. “Let’s not waste a second of it.”

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