Page 46 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“Then let’s get this fuckin’ party started!”

“Watch that mouth,” Gram told her, giving her the stink-eye.

The Keeper of Fate blanched and gave Gram a thumbs up. I didn’t believe Candy Vargo was capable of watching her mouth. Honestly, I didn’t want her to. It wouldn’t be a party without Candy dropping a few F-bombs.

“Oh my!” Dirk squealed as Gideon walked onto the gazebo. “You are hotter than Satan’s underpants, if he existed, which he doesn’t, but I’m sticking with my story!”

Dirk was correct. My heart skipped a beat, and my mouth went dry when our eyes met. The man of my dreams gazed at me with love and desire in his eyes. It made me forget for a moment that we weren’t the only people here. It was humbling to the point that I thought I might faint. The smile pulling at the corner of his kissable lips promised a lifetime of adventure. I was all in.

“All right, people,” Candy shouted. “Get your asses up. You gotta stand when the bride walks down the aisle.”

The people listened.

“Lookin’ like it’s our turn,” Gram said.

“Lookin’ like it is,” I agreed.

“Music,” Candy Vargo ordered, pointing her chewed-up toothpick at Wally.

“On it, Doll Face!” Wally pushed the button, and Sting’s voice came through the speakers. Every Breath You Take blasted loud and proud.

A few of the guests winced at the song choice, but I just shook my head and went with it. Nothing could ruin my day. I would have loved for my mom and dad to be here, but that wasn’t possible. I was thrilled at the gathering assembled. It included my nearest and dearest.

The melody of the song was beautiful even if the words were kind of creepy. I felt the strong impulse to run to Gideon, tackle him and play tonsil hockey, but thankfully Gram had tucked her ghostly arm through mine. Literally. She floated at a slower pace which was far more appropriate. It would have been a major faux pas for me to sprint down the aisle dragging my dead grandmother, but it was exactly what I wanted to do.

Gideon’s eyes burned red with love and adoration as I approached. Gram handed me over and booped the Grim Reaper’s nose before she floated away, seating herself next to Heather and Missy.

“Stunning,” Gideon whispered.

“Back at ya, Sexy Pants,” I said. “You okay with this? I mean, it seems kind of shotgun.”

He threw his head back and laughed. It filled my soul.

Gideon in a tux should be illegal. He was more beautiful than any movie star or model from a magazine. But even more important than his fine abs, ass, kissable lips and other things I shouldn’t think about while our families, friends and daughter were present, was his heart. It was kind, strong, loving and good. And it was mine.

“It’s my fuckin’ turn,” Candy Vargo announced, pulling out a toothpick box that she had turned into a cheat sheet.

“Let’s try to keep the profanity to a minimum,” Tim suggested.

“Will do. Jackasses, did you hear the mailman?” she demanded of Gideon and me with a cackle.

“Pretty sure he was talking to you,” I shot back.

“Hmm…” She considered the possibility and then shrugged. “You ready for me to marry you two?”

“Do we have a choice?” I asked with an answering grin.

“Nope.”

“Then we’re ready,” Gideon said.

“Did either of you happen to write your fuckin’ vows?” Candy Vargo inquired.

“Watch that mouth, girlie, or I’m gonna tie your tongue in a knot,” Gram shouted.

“My bad,” Candy answered her with a wave. She refocused on us. “So? Vows?”

I squinted at her in disbelief. “Are you serious? Neither one of us even knew we were getting married this afternoon. Why would you think we’d have written our own vows?

---