Page 44 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“Am I…” I started, then paused. If I was wrong, it would be embarrassing. However, I didn’t think I was. “Umm… is the party a ceremony of sorts? A binding one?”

All four queens looked like kids on Christmas morning. “Yes,” they said at the same time.

“Is it something you do once?”

Fred pursed his lips then squeaked. “Hopefully, yes. But if you’re Jennifer… then, no.”

“You are soooo bad at throwing that shade,” Carl chastised Fred. He pretended to take off glasses and set them down. “You can’t read your way out of a paper bag. The library is officially closed.”

“My fantabulous Jennifer would’ve laughed,” Fred shot back.

He was correct. Actually, Jennifer would have made that exact joke.

I had a few more things I wanted clarified. “And umm… is this something most of the guests sit down for?”

“Yes,” Dirk said, barely holding back a scream. “Of course, there are people who stand.”

“In the front,” Wally said.

“With an officiant,” Carl added, coming fully out of my closet with a garment bag in hand. “Who hopefully uses the F-bomb sparingly.”

The boys didn’t need to scream. I did it for them. “Am I getting married?”

“Surprise!” they yelled in unison.

Again, I screamed. This time they joined me.

I grabbed a tissue and dabbed at my eyes. I didn’t want to ruin my makeup.

“Waterproof mascara,” Dirk assured me as he grabbed a handful of tissue and passed them around. “Cry all you want, Babycakes. It’s your party.”

An alarming thought occurred to me. “Does Gideon know?”

Fred dabbed his eyes, and then blew his nose. “I would assume by now he does. Charlie, Tim, Gabe, Zander and Rafe are with him. They’ve been tasked with getting your hot hunk of love into a tuxedo. The Grim Reaper isn’t a dim man. He knows!”

The Chicken Dance now made sense. It was an obscure hint, but it was a hint.

“And you don’t need to worry about a thing,” Dirk said, pulling me to my feet. “We’ve done it all. It’s the first wedding we’ve hosted, and it’s going to be slay!”

“Define slay,” I said, eyeing the garment bag. I crossed my fingers and hoped it wasn’t blinged out like a drag show costume. Sequins weren’t my thing.

Wally pulled a piece of paper from his cleavage. “Here’s the song list! You’ll walk down the aisle to Every Breath You Take.”

I wanted to point out that it was basically a stalker song, but refrained. They were too excited, and I didn’t want to kill the vibe.

“Oh! And Gideon will walk down the aisle to Y.M.C.A.,” Wally added.

I pressed my lips together. It was abundantly clear they’d never been to a wedding before. I was wildly curious but mostly terrified to hear the rest. They didn’t disappoint. The theme song from Rocky, Back In Black, Macarena, and, of course, the Chicken Dance were on the list.

Whatever. It would be a story to tell for centuries.

“Are you ready to see your dress?” Carl inquired, about to burst his seams.

“I am.”

The boys might not know much about weddings, but they did know dresses. It was a strapless champagne-colored masterpiece. A little crystal beading here and there to match the jewels in my hair. The Manolo Blahnik peep-toed stilettos went with the dress perfectly. I couldn’t have picked a more gorgeous dress myself.

“You likey?” Dirk asked cautiously.

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