Page 42 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

The gift had not skipped a generation. Sometime in the distant future, my daughter would take over for me as the Death Counselor. Right now, the dead were just her playmates. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her taking over the responsibility when she got older, but as her mom, I was working with what I was given.

We’d held a remembrance ceremony for Lura Belle, Jolly Sue and Dimple under my favorite tree in the front yard. We were having a week of gorgeous weather in the middle of winter. Everyone wore conservative Chanel pantsuits and sensible shoes—even the men. It was fitting. I don’t know how, but Gideon had made his powder blue suit with the floral lapel look sexy.

The sun shone bright in the sky as we talked about the old gals. It was kind of difficult to find stories where they hadn’t been colossal bitches since they’d only become socially acceptable recently, but Candy Vargo had everyone roaring with laughter at a few of the less offensive stories from the sisters’ pasts. Tim had whipped up the gals’ go-to snack—sweet tea, hot biscuits and creamed peas. Gross didn’t begin cover it, but I indulged a little in their honor.

I’d secretly hoped they would show up as ghosts, but Tory had quashed that desire. The vortex had destroyed them—souls and all. If I thought about it too hard, I felt ill. I had to be satisfied that, in the end, they knew they were loved and respected.

Since I couldn’t have Jolly Sue, Lura Belle and Dimple back as ghosts, I’d focus on the ones who were here. There were tons of dead in-residence with missing body parts. I had the superglue and know-how to put them back together. Tomorrow would be a new day filled with promise and joy.

It was time to get back to work.

“Sugar Pants!” Wally squealed. He sashayed into the living room at seven AM while I was breastfeeding Alana Catherine.

She’d slept through the night and was chipper and starving when she woke. I was happy to be her cow. It was an honor. Her milk-drunk expression as she stared at me was humbling. It had become my new favorite thing.

Wally cat-walked and posed around the room like it was his personal runway. “It’s a glorious day, and we’re having an eleganza extravaganza!” He popped his tongue when he finished.

I was confused. I assumed he was talking about a party of some kind, but I wasn’t sure what he wanted to celebrate. “For the Nephilim?” We’d commemorated them yesterday, but if my friends wanted to do it again, I was in.

“Ohhhhhhh no, snookums,” he said with a silly grin as he waggled his perfectly plucked eyebrows. “Something more life-affirming.”

“Such as?” I questioned, hoping it wasn’t a karaoke party. The queens loved to sing, but they were tone deaf.

“It’s a surprise,” he said, twirling and showing off his to-die-for ruby-sequined Prada gown.

“For?” I asked, getting more suspicious by the second. It was seriously early in the day for Prada.

“If I tell you, it won’t be a surprise. Come with me. We need to get you gussied up. You’re a hot mess.”

“Umm… thanks,” I muttered with a laugh as I brushed baby spit-up off my shirt. Wally wasn’t wrong. My sweats might not match, and I was wearing Ugg boots that had seen better days, but I was feeling pretty darn good, mentally and physically. I’d showered and brushed my teeth. That had to count as a win, right? On top of all that, for the first time in a long while, I didn’t have an Immortal enemy actively trying to kill me. Yay, me. I reached over and knocked on the wooden side table to keep from jinxing myself.

June and Jennifer hustled into the room dressed up all fancy. I heard Heather, Missy and Amelia in the kitchen whispering urgently a mile a minute, but I couldn’t make out a single word. My Spidey senses were tingling. Hard. Why had everyone freaking shown up at dawn’s butt-crack? June wore a lovely rose-pink linen dress and strappy sandals. Jennifer was killing it in a sharp, bright-red silk suit with matching earrings and heels.

Was it someone’s birthday, and I’d forgotten about it? I didn’t think so… Alana Catherine was done eating, and I gently burped her. She let one rip that sounded as if it came from a full-grown man. Her squeal of delight at her gassy announcement made all of us laugh. Babies were very good medicine for a sad heart.

“Give me that adorable bundle,” June said with a giggle, holding out her arms. “You need to get ready.”

“For what?” I asked, handing over the best thing I’d ever made to my dear friend.

“Not tellin’,” Jennifer said with a naughty grin. “Just go with it.”

“As long as it doesn’t involve bloodshed, I’m in,” I said, following Wally up the stairs.

Dirk stood at the entrance to my bedroom with his hands on his hips and a smirk on his glossy red lips. “Prepare to surrender.”

“Oh my Hell,” I said with a laugh as I was yanked into the bedroom by four giddy queens.

“Oh my God,” I whispered as I looked in the mirror. “Is that me?”

“Sure is, Girlfriend!” Fred gushed as he examined his handiwork. “Gorgeous.”

“Werk it,” Wally added with another tongue pop and a finger snap that made me laugh.

For the last two hours, I’d been scrubbed, massaged, face-masked, waxed, brushed, plucked, painted and primped. My bedroom had turned into a spa on crack. My buddies were on a roll. The squealing was real. Theirs, not mine. I still wasn’t sure what was going on. They’d put sheets over the mirrors so the results would be a surprise. After thirty minutes of having makeup applied by Dirk, I was worried I’d end up looking like a hooker.

I did not. I knew I could clean up well, but the queens raised the bar. The queens had done my makeup tastefully but full of glamour. And my brows...damn, they were on point and flawless. I felt like a dang supermodel and was ready for my close-up.

“I am sooooo jealous, Hot Pants!” Carl cried out, brushing a tear from his eye. “You’re positively stunning. That mug is beat for the gods! Dirk, you’ve outdone yourself.”

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