Page 35 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

I got my answer as to who the army was loyal to. It wasn’t the Dragon King, and it definitely wasn’t us. They’d just been given the key to the Kingdom, and killing me to take my job was now the goal. I hadn’t wanted the job as the Angel of Mercy. However, no naked low-life was going to take it from me.

“Motherfucker,” Candy Vargo growled as everyone came at us from all sides at once.

I’d had a bounty on my head for a while now, but this was not good.

Slashing my arms through the air, I popped a few crazed Demons who were gunning for me. The sound was gross. The result was not. If it was them or me, I preferred it be them. Gideon was on fire from head to toe and taking down the enemy with ease. The problem was that there were a whole lot of them.

The ghosts flew in and out of the battle, trying to obscure the view of our aggressors. That wasn’t working. Transparent body parts were flying willy-nilly. Candy Vargo was a sight to behold, chopping off heads and dismembering people like it was a psychopathic game of Whack-a-Mole. She cackled like a loon as she got a two-for-one—two heads, one sword swipe.

I was bleeding from a head wound and beginning to lose hope. Not only was I fighting off cretins, I was also dodging Micky Muggles fireballs. I’d been hit by one once. I didn’t want a repeat.

“Fucker’s too strong,” Candy shouted as she ripped the leg off of a Demon and beat him to a pulp with it.

“He’s been drinking Tory’s blood,” I hollered back as I ducked another fireball while removing the head of a Demon who didn’t want to take no for an answer. I was covered in my blood and his. If I lived, I was going to have to take a two-hour shower to wash all the violence away.

“Hey fuckers,” Candy bellowed. She was bleeding profusely and grinning like a fool. “Wally said something smart. When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven’t.”

He had said that… or Thomas A. Edison had. Honestly, it didn’t matter who said it. It was profound and gave me the boost of energy I needed to keep fighting. I just hoped and prayed that I had enough in me to go after my goal—ending Micky Muggles reign of terror for good. At the rate this was going, I wasn’t sure.

“Freedom from bullshit,” Killer growled as he went for Candy. “You’re gonna DIE!

She laughed and grabbed the Demon in a choke hold that wasn’t going to end well for him.

“Only three places you can stay for free and bullshit ain’t one of them,” the Keeper of Fate snarled in his ear. “The places you can stay for free are, in your own fuckin’ lane. Over there or out the fuck of my business.”

There was no time for Killer to respond. His head was gone from his body right as Candy spoke the last word.

Gideon took a hit from a duo of Demons before returning it ten-fold. They literally blew up. Gut and innards spattered everywhere, and I gagged. “There’s too many,” he said, incinerating an Angel who tried unsuccessfully to remove his head.

“No shit,” I grunted, then drop-kicked an Angel and tore off his wings. His shrieks were piercing. I didn’t care.

“Are they multiplying?” Gideon shouted as he fought off more.

“Feels like it,” I said, dodging another fireball headed my way, compliments of the Dragon King.

“We could use a little fuckin’ back up,” Candy bellowed, as a sword chopped into her shoulder, the appendage barely hanging on by a tendon. “This is chappin’ my ass.”

My fingers sparked, and I could feel a destructive magic bubbling inside me. It was dark. I was going with it. Slashing both hands through the air, I envisioned blades of fire. The appeared in my hands immediately. With a guttural scream of rage and exhaustion, I threw them at the evil dudes headed for me. My blades hit their targets with a sizzle followed by horrified shrieks.

“That was a four in one, motherfucker!” Candy crowed with pride at my killing ability.

I’d rather be known for my sense of humor and my kindness, but that time was long gone. The world I inhabited was violent and deadly, and every time I thought we had the advantage, more Demons and Angels arrived. I was strong, but even the strong needed a break. I was freaking exhausted.

Just when I thought all hope was lost, an unfathomable miracle happened. I didn’t know if it was dumb luck or divine intervention. Maybe the Keeper of Fate had willed it or seen it coming. Either way, I didn’t care. I’d never witnessed a more beautifully terrifying vision in my life.

“Hold on,” Candy shouted in glorious triumph. “It’s not over until the drag queens lip sync for our lives.”

Atop their steeds, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloped onto the warring field of Immortals. They were in full-on terrifying Armageddon-is-coming-for-you regalia, complete with scary fucking horns, sharp, nightmare-inducing fangs and hollowed-out skeletal faces. And, of course, they had on hand-beaded gowns. It was a juxtaposition of horror and high fashion.

Dirk, also known as Death, rode on a pale green steed. He’d been created as a tool of destruction and looked every bit the part. The glistening, emerald-beaded frock only made the picture scarier. His eyes were glittering black and looked soulless.

Fred was next to him. He was known as Famine. He, too, had been created as a tool of destruction. All four of them were. His massive steed was as black as Fred’s eyes and he was here for business. If I wasn’t mistaken, and I wasn’t, he was wearing a diamond tiara around one of his gnarled horns.

Carl rode alongside Fred. His fangs were glowing equally as bright as his razor-sharp horns. He was known as Conquest. His horse was white, and his growl of fury shook the foundation of the Tower of London. The marabou trim on his gown only added to his deadly charm.

Wally rounded up the gang of some of my favorite people in the Universe. He was as adept at talking about high heels as he was discussing ripping a head off and kicking it through a goalpost. He was known as War. It was apt. The gleaming sword he held in his free hand had to be five feet long. His horse was red, and his emotionless eyes matched his comrades—glittering black. Wally, always one to match his eyes to his outfit, wore his ebony-beaded gown with pride.

What I didn’t expect was that they’d have passengers. Candy’s disguise spells had obviously been broken. I recognized the others by what they normally looked like—not by their essence.

---