Page 94 of Whiskey Neat

“I don’t think I knew that. He was always sort of ambivalent about my sexuality. I knew it wasn’t easy for him to accept it, so it felt more like a truce than anything.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“True.” Sliding off his lap, I steel myself for the next topic. “Is it still okay to talk?”

“Hell yeah.”

I take a second to compose my thoughts, then jump into it. “Back when I was a baby gay, just figuring it all out, I learned pretty quickly that I was definitely a bottom.”

Indy nods, holding my hand and brushing his thumb over the back of it.

“When I moved to New Onyx and joined the gay scene, I gravitated towards men like you. Tall, hunky, masc, with mad top energy. What I discovered though was a lack of…” I shrug, searching my mind for the word. “Reciprocity? Care about the person they were fucking. Any interest at all in my outcome.”

Indy cringes. “Yeah. I’ve heard that before.”

It takes me a moment to continue as so many disappointments rush back. “I threw myself into every hookup and date, hoping this time it would be different, but it never was. Over time, the whole experience drained my joy, and I started to view my vulnerability as a liability.”

Indy nods, looking at me with soft, encouraging eyes.

“I never bottomed right away. It took a few dates, and I always felt like it was a measure of trust to give that part of myself only to be treated like a sex toy and discarded at the end.”

His jaw twitches as he listens.

“After one particularly rough evening, I decided I couldn’t keep going like that. I felt so used when it was over. He treated me like an inanimate object and he was cold when he finished. I think it was a game to him to get me to put out. I gave it one more try with a guy I was dating and he ended up cheating.”

I blink away the tears starting to sting my eyes, and Indy rubs my back.

“Everything changed after that,” I continue. “I turned over a new leaf. One where I would never be the vulnerable one again. I would never be used and discarded like an old toy. From then on I refused to bottom or even entertain feelings.”

“Understandable.”

“Yeah, well, it didn’t exactly go to plan. I was still attracted to men who had no interest in bottoming. I tried a few vers guys and it went okay, but nothing panned out. I put my guard up even higher then. I didn’t want to be in any more situations where I got rejected. Stupid. It comes with the territory, but I was too raw to take any more hits, you know?”

Indy’s eyes are a little glossy, and that realization makes my heart skip a fucking beat. Is this what love feels like? Having a damn panic attack?

My eyes widen. Love? Holy fucking hell.

“What’s wrong?” Indy asks.

My breath catches in my throat. “Uhhh.” I blow out a breath to steady my shaking voice. “I’m good.”

“I’m here for you.”

“I know. You’ve proved that. Not just what we did earlier but all the time. You do things for my pleasure, disregarding your own.”

“No, I’m not disregarding it. Your pleasure turns me on too.”

I laugh, looking up at the ceiling to keep the emotions flooding my body at bay. “You’re kind of unreal.”

“Look at me.”

I drag my gaze to his face.

“You’re worth so much more than you’ve been given by lame-ass men who don’t have a clue. I’ve never been with someone this long. Ever.” He chuckles, playing with my fingers. “I’m so into you, Salem, it’s wild. When I decided I wanted to bottom for you, it had nothing to do with anything but a desire to be that much closer to you. Every day I wake driven by that need. I want to be closer to you. I want to be with you all the fucking time. I don’t know the exact moment this stopped being casual for me, but I know it did.”

“Indy…”

“It took me a long time to get to this point.” The intensity of his gaze makes my breath hitch. “Salem…”

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