Page 81 of Whiskey Neat

“What changed? You’re divorced, right?”

“I am. It came to a head one night when the guy I matched with worked with my wife.”

I swear his face goes pale, and I blanch on his behalf. “Holy fuck.”

“And not just any guy in her office. This guy worked directly in her department. He was married too. Our kids played together at the company picnic. It was our secret until it wasn’t.”

My coffee can go cold for all I care. I’m on the edge of my seat.

“He fell in love and was willing to blow up both our lives to be together. I didn’t feel that way about him, and the thought of my wife finding out in some scandalous way was too much. So I confessed.”

“Oof.”

“To say the least. Everything fell apart at that point. Rightfully so. We separated but we went to therapy, together and apart, so we could learn to co-parent together.”

“Wow.”

He nods. “Best thing to happen to me, honestly. During therapy I unpacked it all and figured out how I got to that point.” He exhales slowly. “Salem, man, the stuff we used to do was everything to me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had some pretty complicated feelings for you. I wanted everything to stay just like it was, but you weren’t happy in the closet. I was so mad at you for that, but I get it now. It’s a terrible place to live, and you were so brave, and I was a fucking coward.”

“We were just kids, Jackson.”

“Don’t make excuses for me. You were the same age and you owned it. You faced your parents and teachers and kids at school while I slunk away. I wasn’t ready to accept it or deal with it at all. That one decision set my life on a course that ultimately imploded.”

“That sucks, but my life hasn’t been roses just because I’m out.”

“You probably can’t understand what it’s like to deny a fundamental part of who you are, but I’m not sure there’s anything worse.”

“Yeah, okay.”

He shifts forward. “Once I figured it all out, I wanted to talk to you so badly. I wanted to apologize and tell you how much it all meant to me. You were the guy, Salem. The origin of my sexuality. You were my best friend too and I fucked it all up.”

The anger and bitterness I’ve carried since sophomore year of high school is already fading. “I was hurt, Jackson. More than hurt. Destroyed.”

His eyes turn glossy. “I know.”

“It made it so hard to trust people, and I’ve never had a close friend since. I keep people at arm’s length. Not entirely because of what happened with us, but that started it. The way people treated me at school, in town…” I shrug. “It felt wrong to exist. I kind of get why you went the route you did. Everyone wants to fit in.”

“I guess so. Have you been in love before?”

I scoff. “No, not love. Something like it, but never the real thing. Just attaching to men who made me feel special until they didn’t. If it makes you feel any better, it’s hard out there. A lot of men are just in it for themselves, and they don’t give a fuck about the person they’re with.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sex, Jackson. Dating. New Onyx has a huge hookup culture. Everyone wants to get laid, but no one wants to connect. If I had a dollar for every one-sided, disappointing hookup, I’d have a lot of fucking dollars.”

His brow creases. “Oh.”

“It’s turned me into…” My words trail off as I search my brain. How do I describe what I’ve become?

“Into what?”

Shrugging, I lean back. “I guess a guy who’s too afraid to try again. I won’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me, and I refuse to be vulnerable in the bedroom. I don’t even bottom anymore even though I love it.”

“Because…?”

“Because of too many selfish, cold lovers. Too many men who’d bust and leave and couldn’t have cared less if I was satisfied. Too many men who treated me like a sex toy, who manhandled me like an inanimate object. Too many men who acted decent until they got what they wanted. Too many men who discarded me the minute I caught feelings.”

My mood darkens as memories flit through my mind, but they come to a screeching stop on Indy.

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