Page 59 of House of Desire

“How are you feeling?”

She bobs her head from side to side, a considering look on her face. “I’m nervous. Excited. Scared. Pick an emotion and I’ve pretty much felt it at some point today.”

And this I understand. It has felt like I didn’t control my body or emotions all day as I’ve readied for this moment.

“I might have cycled through a few of them myself.”

I brush my thumb over the back of her knuckles and look at her perfectly manicured fingers.

“Parker, I—”

Worried that if I don’t start talking now, I’ll never start, I cut her off.

“Anastasia, getting to know you over the past few months has been one of the simple pleasures of my life. You’re smart and funny and kind and stunning. But as beautiful as you are on the outside, you’re even more beautiful on the inside. I am so incredibly humbled you chose to take a chance on this show and me.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to do it with anyone else,” she says, smiling, but this time it doesn’t reach her eyes. In fact, other than her initial smile, all of her expressions have been more mask than real after I kissed her. As if she’s having to school her features in what to do instead of showing what truly churns inside her.

My nerves explode at the change in her but I push it aside, telling myself she’s just as nervous as I am. Releasing her hands, I grab the ring from my pocket while I get down on one knee. Her eyes widen as I move, tears brimming.

I open the box and take a deep breath.

“Anastasia, I know you wish for a partner. I can’t promise this will be perfect, but what I can promise is that I want to be with you and see where it leads. The first night I saw you, all I desired was you. Will you please accept this ring as a symbol of the undying flame of that desire?”

The last words are not my own, the show preferring to bring it back around. This is House of Desire after all. Shouldn’t desire be mentioned in the proposal?

But I don’t care that I didn’t technically propose. Because if I ever did ask someone to marry me, they would never have to wonder if it’s real or not. And so long as a ring ends up on a finger, I doubt production will nitpick this nuance.

Her perfectly manicured hands come up and cover her mouth as a single, perfect tear streams down her face. Much like night one, I see disaster about to strike but am powerless to stop it.

“I can’t,” she says.

The world stops spinning, I’m sure of it.

“What?” I ask past the ringing in my ears.

“I’m so sorry. Parker, please, stand up.”

“Not until you say yes.” I almost beg her. Beg her to accept me. To want me.

To choose me.

“I can’t say yes. I’m sorry, please,” she tugs on my arm and I surge to my feet, the protective walls I’ve built around my heart slamming back into place. I hadn’t realized until this moment how thoroughly she had crushed them.

“What do you mean you can’t? Don’t you want to see what could happen between us?”

Hurt and embarrassment turn to anger bubbling in my guts, and it’s all I can do to continue standing there.

“Of course, of course I do. But we don’t have to be engaged to do that. And I like you, Parker! I have the biggest crush on you and after our Desire Suite night I realized what I’m feeling is real. It’s real, but I can’t say yes to you when I’m not sure you’re fully ready for the commitment of trying to make this work.

“We will have even more pressure put on us because of the audience and tabloids. And if we both aren’t ready to give this everything we have, we will be torn apart and I don’t want that for either of us. It’s too much pressure. I need you to understand. Please.”

Tears gather in her eyes, but they do nothing to stop the snort of dismissive laughter.

“Do you really think I believed it would be a real engagement?” I step back from her, crossing my arms over my chest. “I had to pick between you and Carmen so, here we are.” Vile words spew from my poisoned heart, and I see as they destroy her. But I can’t take them back.

All I can do is protect her from the broken shards of myself.

“Parker—” she says, stepping toward me, but I take a sharp step back.

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