Page 86 of Wish You Would

“So, yeah.” She cut me off. “If I have to choose between you and the band…I’m choosing you.”

I stared at her, my brain pinging with her words, my thoughts, my memories. My mom’s voice rang in my head, one of the many conversations I’d had with her about my sister: I did what I thought was best for everyone. Which had been Anya, living with our aunt, believing she wasn’t good enough for our mother.

I did what I thought was best.

Me, believing if I messed up, if I disappointed my parents, I’d join my sister in exile.

I did what I thought was best.

But it hadn’t been for the best. Not by a long shot.

The repercussions for my mother’s choice, her well-intentioned decision, were widespread and long-lasting. So long-lasting and so painful. I’d spent years being resented by my own sister for something I had absolutely no hand in. For years, I carried her anger, her hurt and her blame, on my shoulders. Even now, part of me still felt guilty for having had the life she wanted, the life our mother decided she shouldn’t have.

I couldn’t do that again. My shoulders were still too heavy.

“Say something.”

I looked up to find Gigi watching me, eyes burning like coal.

“No.” I shook my head, tears stinging behind my eyes. “No.”

Her brow furrowed. “What—”

“No one’s making you choose, Gigi. No one except you.” I pulled a lock of hair over my shoulder and twisted. Her gaze followed the motion. “If you can’t get out of your own way long enough to let yourself be happy, that’s on you. Don’t put that on me.”

“I—”

“Because you know what’s going to happen? If I let you choose me? If I let you choose me and walk away from this thing you so clearly want?” I blinked hard, but it wasn’t enough to keep the tears at bay. “You’re going to wake up one day, roll over, and see me sleeping beside you. And you’re going to think, Did I really turn down performing for this? For her?”

“Parker.” She reached for my hand, but I slid away. Hurt flashed across her face, but I held firm. “That’s never going to happen. I could never resent you.”

“You will.” I brushed my hands across my cheeks, scrubbing the tears away. “I refuse to be resented for something I had absolutely no say in. Not again.” Standing, I dragged a fortifying breath into my lungs. “I’ve spent my whole life dealing with the fallout of other people’s choices. Losing out on experiences and relationships and love because someone else thought they knew what was best for me.”

My heart was pounding against my ribs like a prisoner trying to escape, begging me to stop. To take the words back. To stop now.

I couldn’t.

“I can’t do it, Gigi.” My chin quivered; fresh, hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I let them fall. “I can’t carry the guilt and resentment and…and heartbreak. It’s too much.”

Gigi got to her feet, panic painted across her face. Her beautiful, perfect face. “Parker.”

That was it. That was all she said. But so much lay beneath the two syllables of my name. She was begging. Pleading. She was asking me to understand. To stay. To let her choose me. Let her…love me?

My heart paused its pounding, willing me to listen. To hear everything unsaid. It was there, I knew. Love. I could feel it in her every touch. See it in her eyes when she looked at me.

It would hurt all the more when that love twisted into something ugly and cold. When she realized what she’d walked away from for me.

Squeezing my hands into tight fists at my sides so I wouldn’t reach out, I shook my head. “I’m sorry.” I sniffed and squared my shoulders. Gigi was a blur of neon heartbreak before me, red and blue lights catching the tears in her eyes. It was a sight I’d be haunted by forever.

“You’re going to be great,” I whispered, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek. “I’m already so proud of you.”

Then, before I could change my mind, before I could listen to the beating, the begging, of my heart, I walked away.

35

35 GIGI

DON'T SPEAK

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