Page 77 of False Confidence

Nadia raised her brows and whistled. “Good for you, girl. I could do with taking a leaf out of your book. I swear I don’t remember the last time I just sat down for some me time.”

“Give yourself some credit, Nad. You have twin toddlers and three jobs. You’re killing it,” Maggie said, patting Nadia on the hand.

“It’ll be worth it when the kids are all grown up and I have my empire,” Nadia said with a wink. “Do you want kids, Jazz?”

Jazz stilled, her fork halfway to her mouth, and dropped the same tomato back onto her plate. “One day, yeah. Probably not for a while, though.”

“You’re doing the right thing waiting until you’re totally ready. I love my kids, but we had them young because I was convinced I could do it all: the kids, the husband, the career. And sure, I’m doing it, but at what cost? If I could go back in time, I’d do it like you.”

Jazz was sure Nadia’s statement was supposed to be positive, but all it did was make her wonder what the hell she’d been doing with herself for the last ten years. Nadia was three years younger than her and had all that.

She pushed back from the table, her chair legs dragging across the floor. “I’ll be back in a second. I have to use the restroom.”

Concern flashed over Maggie’s face, but Jazz didn’t give her the chance to follow as she crossed the restaurant and barricaded herself in a stall. She sat down, letting her head drop into her hands.

She was only thirty. But wasn’t that what she’d been telling herself for the past decade?

She was only twenty; she didn’t have to know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.

She was only twenty-two; didn’t everyone struggle to figure shit out after graduation?

She was only twenty-four; it wasn’t a big deal that she kept bouncing around from job to job; she had time to figure it out.

She was only twenty-six; just because half of her high school classmates were settling down and having babies, didn’t mean she had to worry about it yet.

She was only twenty-eight; just because Maggie had found her happily ever after didn’t mean she was going to forget Jazz.

She was only thirty; she was going to feel ready for it all at some point. Right?

That’s what she’d been waiting for—that moment where everything clicked into place, when she woke up one day and knew she was ready to settle down, to find the person she wanted to be with, to become a mom.

But what if she couldn’t? What if she was too late? She’d long suspected having kids might not be as easy as making the decision and coming off birth control. There was obviously something wrong, given how bad her periods were. But she kept telling herself she’d cross that bridge when she came to it. Just like she’d told herself she’d paint a picture, make herself a dress, finish a goddamn bracelet. And she hadn’t done any of it.

She was thirty years old, and she had absolutely nothing to show for it.

Jazz sucked it in a shaky breath, and when she blew it out, tears fell with it. She wrapped her arms around her middle, as if she could hold her heart in her chest. Her breath hitched as she forced oxygen into her lungs. A blurry film crept over her vision as her skin tingled, the tips of her fingers going numb.

Her phone buzzed from where she’d dropped it on the floor and she jumped, reaching for it and wiping her tears away as they continued to spill down her cheeks.

Can I pick you up from brunch or do you have plans with Maggie after? I have a surprise for you. Miss you :)

She read the text over, and again, and again, in Liam’s voice, trying to soothe her racing heart. Before she could stop herself, she hit the call button and held the phone up to her ear.

“Hey, darling.”

“Liam.”

A sharp intake of breath sounded down the phone. “What’s wrong?”

“I just… I just needed to hear your voice,” she sobbed. It wasn’t working. Why wasn’t it working?

“Where are you? What’s going on?”

“I’m in the restroom. I don’t know what’s wrong. I just can’t… I started panicking and I couldn’t breathe and I?—”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Liam said, his voice low and slow. “You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay, we can work through it. Everything is going to be just fine. Take a deep breath with me, Jasmine.” Liam took a deep, loud breath and Jazz copied him. “And another one.”

Gradually, as she followed along, listening to Liam’s calm breathing and comforting murmurs, she stopped shaking so much. “I think… I think it’s passed,” she said, lifting the hem of her shirt to wipe her face.

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