Page 341 of Born of Blood and Ash

I stopped myself. I’d have to get to the point where Iworried about all of that.

My stomach dropped for the hundredth time, and I tookanother breath. And how would I do what was necessary while pregnant? I meantwhat I had said to Aios. There could be no choicebetween the two. My power was needed. There would be fights, and while it washarder to seriously injure me, the same couldn’t be said for the lives Icarried inside me.

Hold.

There doesn’t need to be a choice at all.

Unclasping my hands, I placed one against my lower stomach.A year ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to seek the aid of one of the Matrons.Accidental conception happened even when every precaution in the realm wastaken. I heard the maids whispering in Wayfair and knew teas could be consumed,and I didn’t judge them. In fact, I was impressed by the fact that they couldmake that choice. Not a single conversation I’d overheard made it sound like itwas an easy one. Many of them did so in tears, no matter the reason, whether itwas because they didn’t feel financially capable, their condition was a resultof a brief dalliance, or from force. I imagined if their situations had beendifferent, many of them would’ve opted to keep the babe. Or maybe not. Eitherway, it never sounded like a flippant decision.

Breathe out.

But now? I didn’t think I could do that because these wereAsh’s children. Ours. Mine.

My stomach turned over heavily, but for a different reasonthis time. Every couple of minutes, a tendril of excitement wove itsway through the fear, panic, and disbelief, followed by something that feltdamn powerful and pure. It was love.

How was that even possible? So quickly? It was the very lastthing I’d ever thought to feel toward any babe, even mine. I wasn’t theparental type. I never, not even as a little girl who still had the ability tohave those sweet, foolish dreams, saw myself as a mother. But, gods, I feltlove for them. And it was as fierce as what I felt for Ash. Protective. As ifthat motherly instinct I’d heard others speak about had snapped into place.

And, gods, it was the most unexpected emotion. A huge partof me was afraid to let those feelings grow, blossom, and spread because whatif Ash wasn’t happy about this? I felt like I couldn’t allow myself to feelthose emotions.

But that was…that was wrong.

Because I already knew I was keeping the lives growinginside me, even though it didn’t seem fair. Unfair that I got to have this whenI had stolen this very chance from others. And I had no idea how to be aparent, if I was capable, or even if I should. But they were ours. And if hecouldn’t accept this? Which was highly possible considering everything he’dfaced—all we would still face… Damn, he hadn’t even allowed people tostay in the palace and be close to him until recently because of Kolis. Still,his reluctance wouldn’t change my mind.

But I knew it would change us, mates of the heart or not. Itwould change us in ways that would break my heart.

Feeling my chest tighten, I rose from where I sat anddescended the steps. Water rose over my legs and quickly reached my hips as Iwalked forward. The hem of my gown lifted and floated when the water reached mywaist. Once it lapped at my chest, I didn’t go any farther. The deepest end ofthe pool would be well over my head, and I still hadn’t learned how to swim.

And I was supposed to teach children? Things more importantthan swimming? Like how to be thoughtful and kind and how to stand up forthemselves and others? How to be good, even though I wasn’t entirely good?

The weight of it all bore down on my chest. I closed myeyes, letting myself slip underwater.

Sound ceased immediately.

My mind quickly followed.

There was just nothing as I floated. The tension all throughmy body began to ease. The mineral-rich water could have had something to dowith that, but it was also the complete silence. The nothingness. Thepeace and the feeling of the water rushing over my face and—

Cold arms came around me, startling me as I was lifted fromthe water. My eyes flew open when my head broke the surface, and I dragged in alungful of air.

“Sera,” Ash gasped, scooping the wet hair back from my face.Strands of silvery eather whipped through his eyes.“What are you doing?”

“Sorry.” My face warmed as I stared up at him. It had beenso quiet underwater that I hadn’t felt him approach. “I was just…doing myversion of swimming.”

“With your gown on?”

“Yeah?”

“While we had Primals in thethrone room?”

Um…

“And I was waiting for you to return?”

“Sorry. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.” I clutched hisshoulders. “And you’re not dressed for swimming.”

The eather in his eyes brighteneduntil I almost couldn’t see his pupils. “That’s because I thought—” He stoppedwith a sharp inhale, his jaw clenching.

My eyes widened when I realized what he’d thought. “I wasn’ttrying to drown myself.”

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