Page 310 of Born of Blood and Ash

“I know.” I sighed. “I think maybe I knew it then, too. ButI couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t have achoice in anything. And I…I didn’t want to do it anymore. So, the draft.”

Ash looked stricken, as if someone had plunged a dagger intohis chest.

“I regretted it as soon as I woke up. I was embarrassed. AndI hated that I felt that way.” My lips peeled back with a low growl. “I stillhate that my head just doesn’t work like it should. You know? Like therewere—and still are—others with worse childhoods and experiences, and they neveronce thought about trying or doing something like that.” I laughed, but therewas no humor in it. “But I did.”

“I’m so damn sorry, Sera,” he whispered. “All those times Isaid you had no regard for your life. I didn’t know. If I had, I would neverhave said that.”

“You don’t need to apologize because it’s true. Or was,” Isaid, holding the edge of the blanket to my chin. “I didn’t value my life. Notuntil I decided I wanted to live—when it felt like it was too late. You’re partof the reason. I mean, it’s not just you. It was also gaining control. A senseof self. I was no longer an empty vessel. I was becoming someone, and youhelped me do that. And I…”

I lifted my head to find Ash watching me from where he stoodby the railing, his eyes glittering.

I wet my dry lips. “You…you’ve been feeding from Rhain.”

Ash went completely still.

“That’s why you don’t feel as cold sometimes,” I said, mychest aching anew. “You had to go to him because I couldn’t provide for you.”

“Sera.” Ash jerked away from the railing. “You provide forme. You give me everything I could ever want.”

“Except the one thing you need to survive. It’s okay—” Iwinced. “No, it’s not okay. What I’m saying is that I’m not mad at you oranything. It makes me love you even more because I know how hard it is for youto feed from others. I’m angry with myself.”

His hands fisted at his sides. “Do not be angry withyourself. Kolis—”

“He took that from me. From us. I know. You were right whenyou said that.”

“I don’t care about being right.” He came forward andlowered himself to his knees before me. “I will do anything for you not to feelfear, Sera.”

“I know.” The pressure was crushing then, my chest squeezingas if a giant hand was trying to pinch off my breath. “You never caused mefear. I know you won’t hurt me. I just… My mind goes back there to Kolis. Tobeing in that fucking cage, and him…”

Ash reached for me but placed his hands on either side of meinstead. “And him…?”

I opened my mouth when more words slithered their way up mythroat. “Him having complete control. In what I wore. What I ate. Where I went.He put me on display as if I was some kind of token. Or a pet. Even when heheld court. And you know what the fucked-up thing was? He liked it when I triedto escape, or he scared me. He enjoyed it. And not because he’s a fucking pieceof shit, but because it reminded him of Sotoria.Gods…” I tugged at the stitching on my robe. “He didn’t like it when I mouthedoff. Because there were times, Ash, when I couldn’t pretend. I just couldn’t.And when that happened, it didn’t matter that he believed I was Sotoria.”

“What?” His voice was steady but thin. “What did he do?”

“He almost always controlled himself, and gods, that wassomehow scarier. Seeing him get to that edge and then pull back? It left mefeeling like I was constantly on the cliff’s edge. I know that doesn’t makesense, but that…that was worse than the chains.”

Ash’s inhale was audible. “The chains?”

“I…” I stared at his shoulder. “It was because of Veses.”

“I will kill that bitch.”

“It wasn’t her fault,” I said with a humorless laugh. “Hepunished her. Gave her to Kyn in front of everyone.” I almost gagged, disgustrolling through me. “And, gods, I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate him.But that wasn’t right. I don’t care what Veses says.It was disgusting. I told him as much, and I’d already mouthed off at him morethan once that day. I just couldn’t…” I shook my head. “He hung me by my arms.”

The temperature plummeted. I could see my breath. A thinlayer of ice spread from Ash’s knees and crept across the balcony floor. Mygaze flew to his.

There were no pupils visible in his eyes.

“Ash,” I whispered.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

His neck twisted to the side. “I still look like me, don’tI?”

I nodded.

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