Page 309 of Born of Blood and Ash

“Liessa,” he murmured,and my heart ached as he lifted my hands and brushed his lips over the fadingmarks.

As he smoothed calloused thumbs over my palms, I had afeeling I was projecting a whole mess of emotions onto him. And it was a messbecause I felt everything right now. Sorrow. Anger. Nervousness. Iknew I needed to talk to Ash. Really talk. But there was nothing easy aboutthat for me. I was never the talking type. I hadn’t been raised that way. Itwasn’t an excuse. It was just the truth. When it came to something important, Icould rehearse everything I wanted to say a hundred times, but the moment I openedmy mouth, something entirely different came out. Even more so when it came tothis.

But I had to.

Because what I’d gone through was slowly chipping awaypieces of me. Eventually, I would be left with nothing.

“It’s not true, you know.” I stared at our hands. “I don’tneed more rest than you.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I fed from you a handful of hours ago,” I said.

He said nothing, opting to kiss my palms again. Then heplaced my hands back in my lap and rose. He went to the railing and leanedagainst the shadowstone. The muscles along hisshoulders bulged as he eyed a guard in the distance. “Is that what you’ve beenthinking about while sitting out here?”

“Yes, and no. I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff.”

He faced me. “You going to tell me what you’ve been thinkingabout?”

Talk to me.

That’s what he always said. When I didn’t, he didn’t push,except for the night of the sekya attack.I doubted he would push now. I wanted to talk. Needed to. I just didn’t knowwhere to start because this—all of this inside me—hadn’t been birthed intocreation when Kolis captured me. It had started long before then.

Ash drew in a heavy breath and pushed away from the railing.“Will you at least come back to bed with me?”

My gaze flew to his, and my chest seized. Words bubbled up,shaken free. Ones I had only ever shared with Nektas.“I tried to end my life once.”

Ash’s entire body jerked back, and he bumped into therailing. “What?”

Part of me couldn’t believe that was where I’d started—thatI had just hurled that at him with no warning. He hadn’t been prepared to hearit. The shock in his expression was proof. “I’m sorry. I probably should’vegiven you some sort of heads-up on that.”

Ash stared at me. His hands had returned to the railing, andhe held on to it as if he needed the support.

I looked away from his hands, focusing on mine. “I drank avial of sleeping draft—far more than necessary. And convinced myself for solong that it was accidental. That it wasn’t on purpose. But…” My nose and eyesstung. “It was. I didn’t want to wake up.”

“Why?” he asked hoarsely.

“I don’t know,” I said with a shaky sigh and peeked up athim. His eyes were closed tightly. “That’s not entirely true. There wasn’t onereason. I don’t think there was even one reason—specifically what he believedmy fate to be—for why my father took his life. It’s never that simple.”

A spasm ran through him, and his lashes lifted. When hespoke, his voice sounded as choked as mine felt. “When did you try that?”

“I know what you’re thinking. That it’s because you rejectedme.”

His jaw clenched. “That wasn’t a reason?”

“It doesn’t matter, Ash. You’re not responsible for that.Just like I know I’m not responsible for my father, even though I spent most ofmy life feeling like I was. I just…I felt like I was failing everyone andmyself. I didn’t like who I was because I was no one. I was this blank canvas,taught to act and behave like someone. To not really have feelings. Like Icouldn’t be mad or even happy. I was just to be whatever I needed tobe.” I knew I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop myself. “But I wasn’t good atthat, so I had to pretend how my mother acted didn’t affect me. I made myselfokay with the fact that no one, except Odetta and Holland, really touched me. Ijust had to deal with Tavius and him thinking he could do whatever he wanted tome.”

My fingers curled inward again. “I couldn’t refuse training,whether it came to mastering a sword or seduction, and I had no one, not evenHolland, that I could really talk to.”

“This training? To seduce?” Ash sounded like each word cuthis throat to speak. “How old were you when it began?”

“Not old enough to be able to deal with it,” I admittedquietly. “I was scared at first. I remember begging Holland to not let me go,but…” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “That part of my life was so…weird.”

“I can think of a better word than weird,” he bit out.

“I mean, I felt embarrassed to be doing the things I wasbeing taught and didn’t know how to feel about it. Sometimes, it felt good, butit…it also felt wrong.”

“Because it was wrong,” he said.

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