Page 307 of Born of Blood and Ash

I drew back. “Gods, no.”

“Did Kolis intend to do so?”

“Yes.”

“That is the difference, and I can tell you rightnow, Kolis doesn’t feel an ounce of regret for what he ordered,” he said. “Thatis another difference.”

A tremor started building deep inside me. “But how…how do Ilive with this?”

“You don’t just live with it,” he said, his hands tremblingwhen he tipped my head back. “You accept what you did. You learn from it.”

Accept it? A thousand years could pass, and I would still behorrified by what I’d caused. But I…

“I’m already learning,” I said. “I didn’t listen to myinstincts. I should’ve listened to you and the others. I never should’vebelieved that Kolis would put the realms before himself and his wants. Ishould’ve refused to offer him a deal instead of wanting to be better—less likewho I was. Less like Kolis and more like your father. But that’s the thing,Ash. I am like Kolis.”

His nostrils flared. “I swear to the fucking Fates—”

“I am, Ash. That’s what you don’t want to accept.” I shookeven harder. “I am not him or Veses, but I am nota benevolent person. I’m not cruel, but I don’t regret killing Embris for his role in taking my family from me. I nevereven really spoke to him, and he was more than happy to carry out Kolis’sorders and help kill innocent people. Or maybe he wasn’t happy to do so. Maybehe was threatened or scared. I don’t care. I’m glad I saw the life go out ofhis eyes.” I couldn’t sit still any longer, so I rose again.

As Ash stared up at me in silence, I took a deep breath andwilled my heart to settle. “I am not a forgiving person. I try to be, but I canbe monstrous. More so than you, and I am capable of horrific violence.”

“So am I.” He leaned back, bending one knee.

“You are when it comes to me or Kolis, but you would nothave done what I did if I wasn’t threatened.” I held the blanket tighter aroundme. “You said no lies. No bullshit or half-truths. You would’ve stoppedyourself. You know that.”

Ash looked away, a muscle ticking in his jaw.

“I never should’ve tried to handle this like I thought Eythos would have. I should have—” I stopped myself. Shouldhave. Could have. Would have. I fucking hated them.

“What are you saying?” Ash asked.

“I’m saying I…I need to be me.”

His gaze met mine. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That is allthe realms need.”

I stared at him, the clarity of his words driving me down. Isat on the edge of the bed. Gods. Ash…he’d always known what I was. What I wascapable of. The good. The bad. The beautiful and the ugly. He had alwaysaccepted me. I’d just never accepted that. I hadn’t wanted to face it. Justlike I…

I hadn’t faced so much in my life. It hadn’t made mestronger. It had only made me weaker.

He rose and knelt in front of me. “You are who Ifell in love with, Sera. Every part of you. Not just the easy stuffbut the complicated, messy aspects, too. I love each part of you equally. Youwill always be what I cherish most, liessa.”Clasping my cheeks, he kissed the top of my head. “Nothing will ever changethat.”

CHAPTERFORTY-SIX

Wrapped in a deep violet robe with prettyembroidery and pearls, I sat on the balcony’s daybed, staring up at thestar-strewn night sky, despite it being cold enough to need to tuck my legsbeneath the heavy folds of the robe. The chill in the air made me think thatsnow may soon fall.

An entire day had passed since Ash coaxed me out of my nota,and we’d spent most of that time sleeping—actually, he was still sleeping.Both of us were exhausted to a bone-deep level and were lucky things werequiet, giving us time to rest. I couldn’t sense the true Primal of Death. Itwas like before he’d awakened from stasis the last time. I felt nothing, nointuition concerning his current state. I had to assume he was still in stasis.

That allowed me to relax. A little. I should be resting,too, but when my eyes had opened, memories of what I’d done came to theforefront, and I hadn’t been able to fall back to sleep.

So, here I sat, watching the guards patrol the Rise,thinking about everything Ash had said. He’d been right. A thousand tomorrowswould come, and I would still carry the guilt with me. Sure, it would lessen astime passed, and I accepted it.

But it would always be there, haunting the back of my mindlike the spirits lingering in the Dark Elms, refusing to cross over.

And that wasn’t the only thing haunting me.

When we were awake earlier, it had only been long enough toeat and for Ash to check in with the others. He hadn’t been gone for more thanten minutes—I honestly didn’t think he’d even left the fourth floor. But whenhe returned, his flesh was noticeably warmer. Ash had given me his blood then,which was why I was sitting outside, possibly turning into a Primal ice cube.

I remembered what I’d learned before…everything happened.

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