Page 306 of Born of Blood and Ash

Something close to pride filled his gaze.

I shook my head. “Don’t look at me like that. I killed everyguard on the wall.”

“Guards loyal to Kolis, Sera.”

They had been, and the guilt I felt wasn’t for them. “Ileveled Cor Palace. There were gods in there. Then I tore down the Sanctuary. Islaughtered gods who said they wouldn’t fight me. I destroyed his Ascended.”

“I know. There were Ascended at the Pillars.”

I flinched at the reminder that they still had souls—thatmany, if not all of them, would have never chosen their fates. My chest roseand fell rapidly. I searched for anger and disappointment in his features, butall I saw was sorrow. Compassion. Love.

I looked away from it. “Was there…?” I swallowed and pushedpast my cowardice. “Were there Chosen at the Pillars? Kolis left them there.I…I didn’t know. I didn’t stop to even think about them.”

“I don’t know, and that is the truth,” he said. “There weremany souls there. When that happened, the Pillars couldn’t perform their duty.I wrote many names, but I did not personally handle any Chosen. Rhahar could have.”

A shudder rocked me, and I lowered myself to the floor,needing to be closer to him. “I… When Embris died, itdestroyed most of Terra. There were…entire villages were wiped out. Wholefamilies. They were…” Images of their ash-encased bodies filled my mind, and Ishook my head. “I brought them back without even thinking of the price. I savedthem and, in the same breath, sentenced others to death. Even before that, whenI first saw what they had done to—” My voice broke, and Ash tipped his headdown, resting his forehead against mine. “I couldn’t control my rage. It becamethis tangible storm that continued to wreak havoc on those in Lasania—in Carsodonia. I don’teven know how many I killed tonight.”

“Does it matter?” His eyes met mine. “One is enough. You’vesaid as much yourself. Whether it was ten, a hundred, or a thousand, it willnot change how you feel right now.”

The weight continued pressing down on me. “Then tell me Iwas wrong. Tell me I fucked up! Tell me that—”

“I understand,” he cut me off. “That’s not what you want tohear, but it is what you need to hear.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “How can you understand what Idid, Ash?” The pressure amplified. “How can you even stand to look at me?”

His eyes widened, and his skin thinned. The temperaturedropped even more. “Are you…?” Eather swirled in his eyes, and shadowsblossomed under his flesh. “Are you fucking serious right now? You’re honestlyasking that question?”

“I am the true Primal of Life—”

“You are Seraphena Mierel!” His eyes flashed pure silver for a heartbeat, andthe walls trembled, causing the chandelier to sway. “You are my wife. Myfucking everything. I’ve told you this before, and it remains the same. Thereis nothing you could do that would ever change what I see orhow I feel when I look at you.”

I sucked in a staggered breath. I knew that. Of course, Idid.

“And I do understand what you did because, right orwrong, I would’ve done the same.”

“No, you wouldn’t have. You are better—”

“I am not better than that!” he shouted, pitching forward toplant his hands on the floor in front of him. For a moment, I thought he mighttake his wolf form. That was how he looked. “I am not better than you, Sera.You keep forgetting what I would’ve done if I’d lost you. I would’ve destroyedboth realms. I would’ve become the end of everything, and the Fates know Iwouldn’t have thought twice,” he snarled, his fangs bared. “Do you really thinkI didn’t try to kill Kolis after he murdered my father? I did. Even though Iwasn’t powerful enough to do so, I fully intended to while knowing theconsequences. I tried to kill him when he had you in Dalos,or did you forget that, too?”

I shivered. “I haven’t forgotten, Ash, but this isn’t thesame, and you know it’s not.”

“What I know is that realms would be on fire if I had lostyou,” he swore. “And even though you know that to be true, it does not changehow you feel about me. Just because I have you doesn’t change what my intentwould’ve been.” He took a deep breath, visibly attempting to calm himself. “Iknow what you want. What you think you need. You think you deserve to bepunished. That something should be taken from you.”

“Would I be wrong?” I cried.

“Your guilt? Your remorse? It is choking me, so I know itmust be suffocating you.” His voice cracked, and a glistening sheen of tearsreflected in his eyes. “And I know it’s not going to be something that willmagically disappear tomorrow. And there will be a tomorrow, Sera.There will be a thousand and more tomorrows. And I know your remorse will stillbe there with you no matter how many tomorrows there are. That ispunishment enough.”

Was it, though?

He closed his eyes, and when they reopened, his lashes weredamp. “What you did is not the same as Kolis.”

“What I did started as an act of justice, but it turned intonothing more than vengeance,” I said, disgust and shame lacing each word Ispoke. “And once that happens, no one is on the right side. I went too far, andpeople paid with their lives.”

“Listen to me, Sera. Two things can be true at the sametime. You went too far, but you are not Kolis. That doesn’t absolve you ofresponsibility, but it is not the same.”

I shook my head, a wail of grief welling up in me.

Shadows crawled up his neck and spread across his jaw. “Didyou intend to kill? I’m not talking about Embris orthe guards. Not even the Ascended. Did you intend to kill mortals?”

---