Page 275 of Born of Blood and Ash

I started to speak but stopped myself.

“What?” Aios prodded.

“I was going to be nosy.”

“Please, do so.”

I didn’t need to be given permission twice. “What happenedthat you spent the last two decades apart when it sounds to me like you wereboth still in love with each other?”

“It’s hard to say.” Aios sighed.“Bele can be…”

“Difficult?” I suggested.

She laughed. “I was going to say she can be so strong thatit’s hard not to feel weak in comparison.”

“Oh.” My lips pursed. “Sorry.” I leaned toward her. “You’renot weak, Aios.”

“I know that.” She paused. “Now. But to answer yourquestion, it wasn’t just that.” Her shoulders lifted in a shrug. “I don’t thinkeither of our heads was in the right place.”

“I’m happy to see it appears you’re both in the right spacenow.”

“We are.” Her smile grew, and she tilted her head. A momentpassed. “And you probably think it was Bele who wasn’t in the right headspace.It wasn’t. It was me.”

I quieted, watching her.

Her gaze was fixed forward, but I didn’t think she sawanything before her. “It took a long time for me to move past what happenedwhen Kolis held me. And even longer for me to realize that I hadn’t yet when Ibelieved I had. Like I was able to move on in certain areas but notothers. And…” She shook her head. “Like you—like probably everyone whohas ever gone through something like that—I didn’t like talking about it.Especially with someone I loved. I didn’t want her to…”

“See you differently?” I whispered.

Aios nodded. “I knew shewouldn’t.” Her gaze briefly met mine. “And you know Nyktoswon’t. But I also know it’s hard to stop those kinds of thoughts.”

“It’s not that,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I mean, it was.And maybe there is still a part of me that fears that. But it’s me. I’m theproblem.” I gave a short laugh. “I don’t want to look at myself differently.That’s the problem because…” I dragged my hand over my face. “I can’t even dealwith what happened.”

“With what happened while you were in Dalos?”Aios asked quietly.

I shook my head, throat thickening. My gaze dropped to myhands. Several moments passed as I ran my fingers over the marriage imprint.Maybe even minutes. And I didn’t even know why I said what I did next. “Hehadn’t been with anyone since Sotoria.”

Aios hesitated. Only for aheartbeat. “That doesn’t surprise me. As I told you before, he never touchedany of us.”

“But he liked to…he liked to watch.” My fingers curledinward. “Remember, I found the chest of toys.”

“He did.” Aios’s inhalation—likeher exhalation—was long and slow. “Did he make use of them this time?”

“No. Probably because I used one as a weapon.” The smilethat memory brought was quick. “And I think because he believed I was Sotoria. He wouldn’t…disrespect me. At least, that’s whathe probably thought in that fucking messed-up head of his.”

I ran my tongue over the back of my teeth. “He…he did touchme, though. The first time was at the beginning when I tried to escape.” Mycheeks warmed, and I hated that. The feeling. The thoughts behind it. “He usedcompulsion to make me behave.”

“Was that the only time?”

I shook my head and then quickly looked at her. “He didn’tgo too far.”

Her chin lowered, along with her voice. “He went too far thefirst moment he laid a finger on you.”

“I know.” I looked away, my nose and throat stinging. “Hedidn’t rape me. That is not a lie.”

“I believe you, and I am relieved to hear that,” she saidand then fell quiet. She let the silence stretch between us again. Giving metime.

Space.

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