Page 26 of Bitter Sweet Love

I kept telling myself that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I hadn’t abandoned Dez. He’d been the one to leave me and I hadn’t made him any promises, but the reassurance rang hollow.

Even my sister couldn’t truly understand why I was so resistant to the idea of mating with Dez, especially considering how much I’d cared for him. But when he left and when I finally accepted, after the many months had turned into a year, that he wasn’t coming home, I had mourned him. Grieved him as I had my mother. I could recognize the blessing of him returning, but three years of mourning was a long time to let go of and I didn’t even understand why he’d left. He claimed it had nothing to do with my father’s offer and it was obvious that he wanted me, but I needed more. Answers for one thing, and I wanted what my parents had had in their life together—love and trust.

Part of me recognized that I was still in love with Dez, that I never stopped loving him, but I didn’t believe he felt that way for me. Not in the way I needed him to, and as for trust? What’s to say that a year from now he wouldn’t just up and disappear again?

I shifted in my seat, restless.

Maybe more than our past was keeping me wary. Perhaps it had to do with me. After all, the whole mating business was serious. I’d be pledging myself to someone for my entire life. The very moment I mated, I would be thrust into adulthood, facing very adult demands. I wouldn’t be the only eighteen-year-old to do so, but it was a lot to even think about. Maybe I wasn’t ready and my excuses were really just that—excuses. A crutch.

We’d crossed into Pennsylvania hours ago and as the SUV eased into an exit lane for a town called West Chester, I straightened in my seat and glanced at Dez. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

And that was all he said as we drove through the town and then beyond, onto a narrow winding road that was crowded by thick trees. He turned onto a road I hadn’t noticed. About five minutes later, he parked along the shoulder. Dust filled the air as we climbed out.

I looked at Dez expectantly. “You going to tell me what you’re up to?”

He reached down, took my hand and started walking down a worn patch of dirt that formed a trail. Twigs snapped under our feet. “After I left the clan and before I made my way to the West Coast, I did a lot of traveling and I stumbled across this place.”

My heart jumped in my chest. A lake! He’d mentioned before that he’d found a perfect place for the skinny-dipping condition. This had to be it. Oh, God, why had I suggested this?

“The place is off the beaten track, very peaceful.” He held a low-hanging branch out of the way so I could dip under it. “Anyway, I think you’ll like the lake.”

Yep. There. He’d confirmed we were fulfilling another condition. My palms felt sweaty, and I slipped my hand free, wiping both of them on my jeans. Dez didn’t say anything, but slid around me, clearing the branches. “Did you... come here a lot?”

“Twice. I stopped on the way back to the clan. I needed to clear my head. It was a good place to do so.”

I stared at his back, watching his muscles play under his thin cotton shirt. I wanted to make some joke or clever comment but nerves had a hold on me.

The heavy foliage and undergrowth thinned out into a small stretch of land that butted up to an outcropping of large, smooth boulders surrounding a lake.

“Careful,” Dez murmured. “These rocks get kind of slippery.”

I smiled absently. His concern was really sweet, but I wasn’t in any danger of falling and cracking my skull open.

Fading sunlight glinted over the gently rippling water. I wandered closer to the shimmering surface and knelt, dipping my fingers into the cool water. With the exception of the soft calls of birds and the rustling of leaves, it was quiet here.

“It’s beautiful,” I said, standing.

“I think so.” There was a pause. “I know why you think I brought you here, but I really don’t expect you to skinny-dip.”

Turning around, I smiled at him. “I thought that was what you were most looking forward to.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. The mere thought of you swimming with nothing but the water...” He trailed off, cleared his throat, and I flushed to the roots of my hair. “Anyway, all of this is for you.” He spread his arms wide, indicating the lake, and beyond that, the entire trip. “You’re supposed to be having fun, not feeling uncomfortable.”

I tucked my hair back as I sat, plopping my butt on one of the boulders. Lowering my hands to my knees, I willed them to stop shaking.

“Jas?” He inched closer, head cocked to the side.

“Why?” I asked, lifting my gaze to his. “Why are you doing this when you know I don’t plan to say yes?”

He stopped for a moment and then navigated the prickly bushes to sit beside me. Leaning forward, he propped his arms on his knees and rested his chin in his hands. “Well, there’re a lot of reasons, but mainly because I wanted to.”

Doubt crept in like a thick fog. “You really wanted to play tourist instead of being out there with the clan?”

“Yes.” He peered up through his lashes. “I wasn’t lying when I said I missed you and thought about you every day. I want to spend time with you and it’s been fun watching you experience all these firsts. I’m happy that I could do this for you. And just because you’re resigned to saying no doesn’t mean that’s what you’ll say in the end.”

I raised my brows. “Oh, really?”

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