Page 157 of Buried Too Deep

“It really does.” She moved back up to his neck, then to his skull.

He shuddered again, this time in pleasure. “Feels good. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Can I ask another question?”

“What happened six weeks ago?”

“Yes. But if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to.”

His mouth tightened. “I was helping Val and Kaj—he’s her boyfriend.”

“The prosecutor.” Cora had read about their situation. Kaj’s son had been targeted by kidnappers. Val had been the boy’s bodyguard and had needed help taking the bad guys down. “You were there, at the end.”

“I was. There was a…” He cleared his throat. “I saw some remains. Looked just like my squad. Arms and legs. Hands and feet. A lot of blood.”

Cora kept her voice matter-of-fact when she wanted to cry for him. “Then your spiral six weeks ago makes logical sense.”

Phin’s fingers paused their stroking of SodaPop’s coat. “Doesn’t make it okay, though.”

“Did you hurt anyone, Phin?”

“No.”

“Did you help someone?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to know what I think?”

He didn’t answer for so long that she thought he wasn’t going to. Then he sighed. “Sure. Hit me with it.”

The weariness in his voice made her lay her cheek against his. She put her arms around his wide shoulders and hugged him. It was an awkward position, but he seemed to melt into her embrace.

“I think you’re not God.”

His eyes opened and he shifted to meet her gaze. “What?”

“That’s what Tandy told me when John Robert died. I was so angry with myself. I’d failed him. Tandy finally lost her cool and told me that I wasn’t God. I didn’t get to rule the universe. It’s not even close to what you went through, but you’re not God, either, Phin. You didn’t cause the explosion that killed your squad. You can’t control the images that flood your mind. You saw them. It was awful. That would make anyone have nightmares and you already had anxiety and depression. That you spiral seems like a normal outcome. If I were God, I’d make it so that you’d never experienced any of that, but unfortunately, I’m not God, either. The fact is, it happened. You can’t go back in time and make it un-happen.”

“I hate that.”

“I know. I hate that I can’t go back and fix my brother. That I can’t go back twenty-three years and beg my father not to go out on that last job. Then he might have been around to be a donor for John Robert. But we can’t go back in time.”

“Sucks,” he muttered again.

“It does. But now that I know the details, I’m even prouder of you. You’re putting your life back together. You have a job that you’re good at with coworkers who care about you. You’re planning to go home to your family and make that right. You’re fixing the things you can control. You’ve even thought about helping the vets you shared that alley with.”

He frowned. “How are you making me feel better? You should think I’m too much trouble, but even I don’t hate myself so much right now.”

That pleased her. “Good.”

He reached for her hand, bringing it to his lips. “Thank you, Cora Jane.”

“You’re welcome, Phineas Butler.”

He made a face. “That doesn’t make me feel better, you calling me that.”

She shrugged. “Too bad,” she said lightly. “Joy spilled your middle name and I can’t let it go.”

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