Page 85 of Nikolai (Kansas City Reapers)

“Days passed into weeks, but then new orders came down. I was ordered to take a few of my men and meet up with another group of people. It was a special ops mission, out of the blue, and completely different from our normal day-to-day duties.”

“Sounds serious,” she whispered, her lips vibrating against the skin of my shoulder.

“It was. Beyond serious. Though the mission itself was very simple.” I took a deep breath, knowing that this was the hardest part of my tragic tale to tell. “It was a simple in-and-out mission. We were to go retrieve a small group of men who had been taken captive by the insurgents.”

“So, a simple mission, but not an easy one to accomplish. Or a safe one, at that.”

“Exactly. I took only the best and brightest from my unit. Martinez was at the top of that list. He had been the top in his company when we were back at Quantico, but out there, in the desert? He was something else. It was like he was infused with this power, this willpower, to do his best. To serve. Christ, the man worked harder than any other soldier in the unit. He was like a machine. And that’s exactly what I needed on a mission like that.”

“Things didn’t go well, did they?” she asked in a timid voice, already knowing the answer. I shushed her, pressing a kiss to her temple.

“Hush. We’re not to that part of the story yet, princess.” Just using her honorific soothed me, calming my nerves and anxiety as the threat of my PTSD flaring overwhelmed me. “I led the way in the deadof night, going into uncharted and dangerous territory to retrieve the captive soldiers. Things went perfectly.”

“They did?”

“They did. At first. We got in surprisingly easily. Looking back, that should have been my first warning that something wasn’t right. It was like every obstacle instantly buckled under our assault. No lives lost, only one guard, who we were able to take down without maiming or killing the man.”

“God, I can’t even imagine…” she trailed off, speaking more to herself than to me. Still, her voice only worked to further soothe the trauma that threatened to take control. It wasn’t easy talking about these things. There was a time I would have lashed out, or even become violent in some cases. Lord knows Deacon landed himself a few black eyes in the early days of my recovery.

“We were almost out of the building, all the captured men at our sides, although some were in much worse shape than they had entered. Just before we made a clean exit, we were attacked.” Maddy’s arms tugged me a little closer, her body shifting until more of her skin touched mine. It was the simplest act, but it provided me with a comfort I hadn’t known I needed.

“It was an ambush. Christ, they came from everywhere. We were outnumbered, outgunned, and out of options. The firefight began, and it just wasn’t enough.”

“What did you do?” she asked in the smallest of voices, as though she were afraid to interrupt or cause me grief. My free hand moved up and down her arm, providing her a comfort I could not put into words at thatmoment. If I was being honest, comforting her soothed me as well. It grounded me to the now, protecting me from getting lost in the past. The last thing I wanted was to go into a full-blown flashback.

“Martinez pulled me back, his gun slung overmyshoulder as he shot a man advancing straight at me, a makeshift bayonet attached to the end of his gun. He saved my life.”

“Niko,” she sighed against my arm. There was sadness in her voice. More than that, there was a grief in her tone, one that only someone who had lost a loved one themselves could understand.

“It’s ok,” I reassured her, holding her just a little bit closer as I continued.

“Martinez had a plan. He shouted it at me amidst the gunshots. The sound was so loud, each shot echoing as metal met metal. His plan was better than any I had at that moment, so I made a snap decision to run with his plan, only suggesting a few minor changes. I put Martinez in charge of leading the men out of there while a few of us stayed back, pushing the barrage of insurgents back and holding them off as best we could.”

“That makes sense,” she muttered.

“It does?” I was surprised by her words. Looking back, none of my decisions that night made sense. Even with hours upon hours of therapy, I’d never been able to rid myself of the guilt I carried with me to this day.

“Well, yeah. If you sent the men beneath you — is that how you say it?”

“It works.”

“Well, you sent them out with the men who neededrescuing. That way, if there were casualties, you protected your men. You literally put your own life on the line.” Her wisdom stirred something deep within me, a sensation so ineffable it danced beyond the confines of speech. I shook off the feeling, trying my best to tamp down whatever that unnamed emotion was, though I failed miserably in the attempt.

“Yeah,” I finally managed to utter, my throat tight with the emotion that threatened to spill out. “Something like that.”

“So what happened next?” she asked, a yawn almost cutting off her words as she nuzzled closer.

I took a deep breath, feeling emotion threatening to choke me.

“Martinez’s plan was the best option we had, given our situation. I had no way of knowing that the insurgents had completely surrounded our position. As soon as he and the men we’d rescued got out of the building, they came under fire. Martinez…” I paused, taking another slow breath in, and exhaling. “He got them out. He did it. But… he didn’t make it. He and two other men from my squad went down during the exfiltration.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose to stave off the tears that were trying to escape.

“I know I made the best choice I could, given the circumstances. I know Martinez knew the risks and accepted them. But to this day, I cannot shake the feeling that his death was my fault. That it should have been me who led those men out of there.”

To my surprise, Maddy didn’t argue, or try to convinceme I was wrong. She just hugged me close, placing soft kisses along my chest and shoulder.

“I can’t imagine how hard that must be, Niko. I’m sorry you were forced to make such a terrible choice.”

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