Page 106 of Nikolai (Kansas City Reapers)

“Stop playing fucking dumb, Niko! I heard you on the phone, explaining how this was too much. HowIwas too much.” Pain exploded through my entire body.

That’s why she had iced me out. That was why she had been so nasty to me the whole day, refusing to acknowledge me even as we drove to the safe house. Guilt wracked me like a sledgehammer.

“Maddy, I —”

“No! It’s my turn to talk. You can fucking listen for once. You told me that a dynamic was built on trust, mutual understanding, and communication. So where was your fucking communication there, Niko? Huh? Where was the mutual fucking respect?”

I stood there, mouth agape as she spoke, her words flowing over me like white-hot knives stabbing every part of my soul.

“If you didn’t want this, you could have just fucking said so. I’m not a child, Niko. I could have handled it.”

“Maddy, let me explain,” I begged her, but her eyes pinned me to the wall yet again.

“I’m not fucking finished.” She spun on her heel, turning away from me. She began pacing, mirroring my earlier movements as she searched for words, or perhaps worked to control her anger. Honestly, it was probably both. Sully had been right. Wewereboth cut from the same cloth.

“I cannot believe you would do this. That you would throw it all away without even saying a word to me. Hell, you barely even explained to me why you were sending me away. Sure, you said that it was because a safe house was made available, but that was only half of the story. You pushed it off as though it were that detective’s decision. But we both know the truth.”

“You’re right.” The words were soft, barely a whisper, but it was time to stop ignoring the elephant in the room. It was time to be honest.

“What?” she asked, spinning back towards me, her brow furrowed with angry confusion.

“I said you’re right. There are a million reasons I could list right now for why I made that call, why I said what I said, but it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It does fucking matter, Niko. You broke your promise.”

“I know.”

“You broke your word.”

“I know.”

“And if you think for one second that I’m going to let you off the hook for it—”

“I don’t. And you shouldn’t. It was wrong of me. I should have talked to you. I should have told you how I was feeling.”

“And what is it that you’re feeling, Niko? What did I do that was so horrible that you had to literally send me away without even telling me why? You didn’t even give me enough respect to be fucking honest with me.”

“I was a coward.” I looked down to the floor in an uncharacteristic act of submission. I was full of so much remorse at her words, guilt and shame flooded every cell of my being.

She sighed heavily, turned back to the bed, plopped down onto it with a thud, and put her head in her hands. She sat there quietly, and the silence roared so loudly that my ears rang and my pulse raced.

“Niko, whatever happened… fuck…” she trailed off, the anger gone from her voice. “I just… I don’t have it in me to fight with you like this. I’m angry and hurt, but I just can’t fight with you anymore. Not like this.”

Her voice was filled with so much helplessness and exhaustion, it was almost impossible to hold myself back from going to her. But I had no intention of adding fuel to her fire.

Deacon had been right. We had both been through hell today. I didn’t need to add to her strife.

After a long moment, she looked up at me, running a hand through her hair and wincing as it pulled at the cuton her head. It wasn’t deep. Deacon had put a small bandage on it, which told me I didn’t need to worry about it. I couldn’t help worrying about it, though.

“I have some things I need to say, Niko. And you’re going to listen. Number one, you are far too controlling. Not just in a Dominant kind of way, but in everything you do. Number two, you hold yourself to a standard that is literally crippling just to watch. You rarely let go, and when you do, it’s beautiful. But you never let anyone see it, because you spend most of your time worrying about everyone and everything other than yourself.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“Shut up and let me finish. And number three, you let the past dictate your future. To the point that you literally are self-sabotaging everything good in your life. And if you aren’t careful, you’ll end up alone, with no one beside you. Not even these guys. People have limits. You expect everyone to respect yours, but you make unrealistic demands all the time.”

“Well, if you feel that way—”

“Does it look like I’m finished? I said shut up, and I meant it. The point of me saying all this is that despite all the things I just mentioned, I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t get the thought of you out of my head, and trust me, I’ve tried. These last weeks together, I was lying.”

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