Page 60 of Sweet Anarchy

Oh no. The worst thing you can say to an angry female is to just chill out.

"Seriously?" I snap. "I don't want to chill out. Just let me be me."

"I'm not stopping you," he says. "I'm just saying you don't need to take it out on us. We're here to support you. Nothing is going to change that."

I throw my hands up in frustration. "I cannot just relax, Zayn. Chuck nearly died, my Mom has moved away, my car is gone, I have no future and I'm about to bury another father."

"I know," he replies slowly. "But you can't change things, especially the past. There's no point getting worked up over it."

Zayn reaches out to touch me and I step back. He laughs playfully, not at all fazed.

"Why can't you just be serious for one fucking minute?" I say loudly. "Not everything is a game."

He rolls his eyes, smirking. "Babe, be serious. Why don't you come to my bedroom and we can talk about it?"

"No! I'm done talking. And I'm certainly not going to just fuck you whenever you want."

The words are flying out of my mouth, my brain flashing warning signals in my head. That little rational voice in the back of mind is telling me I'm going too far and that I need to calm down, but it's like the rest of me is being driven and controlled by something else. I'm hurting – and I don't want to act like I'm not.

Months of bullshit, drama and heartbreak have piled up inside me, pushing me to breaking limits. I don't even know what I want, or why I'm angry. I just know it's all too much and I can't stop the hurtful things coming out of my mouth.

"This is more than sex. You know that," Zayn says calmly. "You're hurting. You don't need to take it out on us. We're just trying to help."

"Fuck you."

I stalk past him, running up the stairs. I reach my bedroom and slam the door closed behind me, locking it so no one can wander in.

I'm not stupid, just stubborn. I know I'm in the wrong and I'm acting like a drama queen. But I just need to get these feelings out.

I walk into my bathroom, sitting down on the tiles with my back against the wall. Pulling my knees to my chest, I start crying. Partly because of everything happening and partly because of all the mean things I just said to Zayn. He didn't deserve that. He's always the one who keeps the mood light and never does wrong.

They deserve better than the person I am right now. I don't like her. I'm better than this. At least, I thought I was.

All the past words from people start playing in my head – the comments about me being selfish, reckless, damaged, fucked up.

I believe them. Who would even want me when I'm broken? I've tried so hard to fix myself the past few months, and I'm back where I started.

I spend the rest of the day hiding in my room, avoiding the guys. I even sleep alone because I don't deserve comfort right now.

I don't get a wink of sleep, my mind doing endless loops and spirals while I try to glue the pieces of my heart and mind back together.

It's comforting to see the guys waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs the next morning when I finally emerge for the funeral.

I managed to throw on a black dress and put my hair in a bun, but that's the extent of my outfit. My eyes are puffy and red from last night, so at least I'll fit right in today.

"Where's Zayn?" I ask in a hoarse voice when I reach them, noticing his absence.

All the guys are dressed in black suits, even Chuck. I suspect he's borrowed the outfit from one of the brothers as I find it hard to believe he would even own a suit, let alone be carrying one around when staying at someone else's house.

"He's just ducked out to see Bill. He will meet us there," Blake says, offering his elbow to me.

I hesitate for a second before taking it, letting them be nice to me. I'm sure Zayn filled them in on my outburst yesterday, but I have to hand it to them, no one mentions it.

"Let's just get this over with," I murmur, heading out to the car.

The guys flank me as we head out to Asher's car. I notice the Jeep is missing, a reminder of Zayn's absence.

We drive in complete silence, no radio or talking. I can sense the guys are on eggshells around me, probably just following my lead.

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