Page 108 of Chasing Lynda

“Lynda, please. I just want to talk to you. You know I’d never hurt you, right?”

He’s right. I know he would never put his hands on me to inflict pain, so I stop.

“Go away, Dodge,” I beg and I’m surprised by the way I sound; my voice is breaking, strangled by the tears that are fighting to push their way out of my eyes.

He doesn’t budge, of course he doesn’t. “Lynda, let’s talk. Please.”

“Oh, now you want to talk? I think this is all you and the others have done today. Talking and making decisions about others, paying no mind to anything but what you want.”

I’m about to shrug out of his grip but the pain in the depths of his gray eyes stops me.

“I’m sorry,” he utters, loosening his hold on me. “You’re right. I acted without thinking, Lynda. I swear I didn’t mean to take your choices away from you. I meant it when I said that nothing needs to change between you and the others. And you don’t have to marry me if you really don’t want to.”

My heart is beating so fast, that I can barely think. What do I want? I got mad at Dodge for making huge decisions without consulting me, but do I even know what I want to do?

I exhale, knowing that whatever I decide, I need to be more open with Dodge; and yet, I can’t tell him everything. I don’t think I could bear it if knowing how I grew up changed the way he’s looking at me.

“I want to help you, Dodge.” I owe him and the others for giving me a place to stay and keeping me fed and safe. If I hadn’t met them, I’d still be on the run, fighting for my next meal and for a safe enough place to sleep at night. “The reason why I got so mad before is that my entire life people have been deciding for me without ever asking me what I wanted.”

His fingers come up to trace the line of my jaw; it would be easy to lean into his touch and not rehash my painful past, but if I’m even entertaining the idea of being his fiancée and then eventually his wife, he needs to know more about me. I feel ashamed and disgusted with my family and where I come from. Eventually, I’ll tell him everything but not right now, I really don’t have the courage.

“My parents aren’t dead, Dodge.” I push the words out of my mouth, bracing myself for his reaction.

His eyes stay fixed onto mine, his touch on my face stays light and gentle. “They aren’t?”

I sigh. “They might as well be,” I say bitterly. “The way I grew up, Dodge, is—my parents are extremely religious. They’ve always been strict with me but things got worse and worse as I grew up, to the point that they tried to control everything I did, how I dressed ...”

When he doesn’t react, I continue. “The only way I had to live a normal life, to be a normal teenager, was to sneak around on them. Maybe I shouldn’t be proud of it, but I had clothes and makeup hidden everywhere; from my locker at school, to all my friends’ houses. I’d climb out of the window at night to go out to parties and to see my friends. It was like living two separate lives, one where I was suffocating under my family’s constant watch, and one where I was free to be myself. Of course I lived in constant fear of being caught, especially as my father became more and more strict during my senior year of high school.”

The next part is the hardest and I can’t tell him everything, I just don’t have it in me right now. “Remember how I told you that I got accepted into NYU?”

Dodge nods.

“I was so excited; it was my dream to go to school in New York City and I’d worked so hard to get the grades I needed. But right before I graduated, my dad told me he had different plans for me. He refused to pay for school and introduced me to a man. He was older than me by a decade. Dad and his ... company were getting into business with him and my parents thought he would be a suitable match for me. I was pressured into getting engaged with the promise that if I did what they asked, they’d consider letting me go to school.”

Dodge’s eyes darken with fury, as he probably can imagine part of what happened. “Is that the guy Zane said you had a bad breakup with?”

I nod. “Look, I’m not proud of it. At first, I went along with what my parents wanted. I guess I’d been doing it my entire life, it was like I was programmed to obey my father since birth. I’d also learned that the path of least resistance was the best way to handle my relationship with them. The man they chose for me seemed charming and quite nice, so I agreed to get to know him while I was biding my time until I turned eighteen and I could move out if my parents insisted on marrying me off to him.”

Dodge’s voice is laced with darkness when he starts understanding some of the things that happened to me. “They hard no intention to let you go to school though, right?” he asks.

“No. They actually decided to push the wedding forward and when that happened, my ex’s charm disappeared. He started becoming more and more daring and I was so inexperienced and also in love with a guy who didn’t want me.”

His reaction warms my heart. “I don’t know who you were in love with, but the guy must be a complete dipshit for not wanting you.”

There’s desire in his eyes and I bask in it before telling him a big part of my story. “Well, Kelley did love me but not that way. Anyway, my ex started trying to get closer but like I said, I hadn’t even been kissed and I didn’t want my first times to be with someone I didn’t care about or feel attracted to. I rejected his advances and—”

Dodge’s fingers press harder into my jaw, while a muscle in his cheek ticks angrily. “Did he fucking force himself on you?”

I nod. “He did.” I never planned to tell him about the wedding, but I realize that if I want to be his wife in any capacity, I need to trust him. “Dodge, I feel really ashamed of this. My parents forced me to marry him. I didn’t want to. I tried to run away, but they had the cops bring me back home as I was a minor. My friends tried to stop the wedding but they were too late. He put something in my drink to make me less combative, I walked down the aisle without even realizing it and then I followed him into his bedroom—”

His reaction isn’t unexpected. “Motherfucker!”

“The only saving grace in this situation is that he must’ve used something really strong, because I don’t remember much of what happened. Sometimes I have nightmares where he’s on top of me and I can’t breathe, but I’m not sure if they’re flashbacks or just my brain trying to feel the gaps in my memory.”

I conclude my story telling him how my friends had tried to get the police involved. “He got arrested but managed to get out and he thought he’d pick back up from where he left off. So I ran away.”

Dodge is fuming. “What the fuck, Lynda? What did your parents do about it?” He closes his arms around me, and I let him when I realize that he isn’t mad at me.

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