Page 8 of The Pact

She simply walks inside and looks at the paper I’m working on over my shoulder. No need to knock, I’m not allowed to even have a door just in case I wanted to keep it closed. That became the rule when my parents found out that McKayla was pregnant. Dad ruled that privacy was a shroud that teens use to hide wrong doings. As if McKayla had brought her boyfriend here.

“Your father and I would like to see you downstairs in the study.” Mom says softly and I stand on shaky legs and follow her downstairs. I had been hoping that whatever reprimand I’d get for spacing out at dinner would be delivered by Mom alone. If Dad wants to see me, this is more serious than I originally thought.

So I steel myself against whatever unpleasantness is about to rain down on me, hoping that whatever it is, it’ll be over soon.

Dad stares at me quietly as I advance into the huge room, waiting to speak until I stop a couple of feet away from his desk. That’s another one of his intimidation tactics, to make people walk to him in a bid to make them feel inferior from the beginning.

“Ausra, sit,” he commands and I lower myself onto the uncomfortable chair that faces his desk, feeling more than seeing Mom’s gaze on me from where she’s standing behind me.

Dad rises from his chair and I instinctively do the same. “I said sit,” he says sternly, looking at me with his unnerving blue eyes.

“Dad I’m sorry.” I begin, aware of the fact that this is probably a huge mistake but hoping that owning up to my rudeness earlier at dinner will result in lesser consequences. “I promise I was thinking about what kind of volunteering I could do to practice my mercy—”

“Is this why you think you’re here, Ausra? Because you were distracted at dinner? Which by the way didn’t go unnoticed. Why do you think your mother and I need to have a sit down with you today?”

I honestly don’t know. By the look in my father’s eyes I know that he is displeased with me and whatever punishment is coming my way has already been decided. Dad is often both judge and executioner when it comes to how his household is run. Mercy is something he loves to preach but that he practices very sparingly. “I don’t know, Dad,” I admit. “I’ve been really trying to make you proud and—”

My father shakes his head. His lips tightened in a straight, hard line. “I’ve told you countless times that we need to be very selective of the people we associate with. That the people closest to us say a lot about who we really are. They can affect our journey in life, who we become and ultimately our path to enlightenment. I’m doing everything I can to put you on the right path, Ausra. I’m trying to protect you. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to see you pursue the very thing I’m trying to protect you from?”

Maybe he’s right. I am defiant, I think as I wish he quit preaching and told me what I’ve done.

But you know what they say, be careful what you wish for? Dad’s next words make my blood curdle and turn into ice. “How long did you think you could deceive me and your mother? How long did you think you could sneak behind our backs to associate with the person who hurt this family and my mission almost beyond repair?”

Fuck. I don’t say it out loud. Foul language right now would only stoke the fire I see burning in Dad’s eyes. “She’s my sister. And my niece. You and Mom can do what you want but you can’t expect me to cut off my only sibling.” I try to sound calm. I know there’s no excuse for disregarding his banishment of McKayla but I hope against all common sense that he’ll understand.

Dad has always looked down on displays of emotion and especially tears. He says it’s one of the many kinds of manipulation women use to get their way.

“SHE IS NOT YOUR SISTER!” he bellows, his face red and a vein throbbing dangerously on his forehead. “She stopped being your sister and my daughter the day she betrayed this family and everything we stand for. When she started lying and partying, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around. That resulted in that pregnancy. She covered it up until it was too late to do anything about it and she chose the fruit of her betrayal over her family. She chose to follow the opposite path than the one that would lead her to her enlightenment. She ruined herself and put in jeopardy everything I’ve worked so hard to build for my family. She made us look weak, she put our credibility up for questioning. She continued with her wicked ways by refusing to rectify the situation. She made us all look like frauds, liars like herself. I thought I was clear when I told you that you were to cut all contact with her. That from the day she chose her path, you no longer have a sister.”

Maybe I should weigh my next words more carefully but they spill out of me before I have time to consider their impact. “Yeah, but I do have a sister. You cutting her off doesn’t make her disappear, it doesn’t make my niece disappear. Have you stopped thinking about the embarrassment she caused you long enough to wonder if they need anything? If they’re safe, if they have enough food on their table?”

“Ausra!” It’s the first time Mom intervenes and even though I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s taking Dad’s side, it doesn’t hurt any less. “Your father tried to help her and offered her options to fix her situation. She fought him at every turn. She chose to walk out on us. On you.”

I can’t believe my mom. “Options?” I sneer. “Like what? Have an abortion? Give her daughter up for adoption?”

It’s a lost cause. Mom retorts, “She could have gotten married.”

To someone my father chose. I don’t blame McKayla for walking out but I don’t say it, I wait.

“Your mother is right. She expected us to allow her to live under this roof with her fatherless child. She refused to even tell us who got her in trouble. How was I supposed to let the world see that I can’t even lead my own family to enlightenment? I have responsibilities that go beyond my wife and children. I have people who put their lives under my guidance. Your sister’s selfishness left me no choice.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t say what I’ve always thought, that he protected his credibility and his assets but he didn’t even try to use the mercy he preaches.

“You are never to see her or speak to her again, Ausra. Am I clear? As your father and your spiritual leader, I forbid it.” He raises his voice again. “Do you see what she already did to you? You’re rude, defiant; you sneak around on your parents.”

I should probably worry about how he’s gonna punish me but a thought hits me suddenly and I ask my question before I can think better of it. “How did you find out? Did you have me followed? Did you look in my phone?”

Dad slaps a small stack of papers on his mahogany desk, making me jump. “I didn’t need to. You thought you were being smart by getting your sister to sign your applications to colleges that you knew I would never agree to send you to? I get a copy of every email that comes through to the server in this house. Think about my surprise when I learned that you’ve been accepted by Yale, Harvard and Georgetown.”

I lower my gaze, unable to look at him. Burned by the fury in his eyes and knowing that there will be hell to pay.

“After I realized how much my own flesh and blood was lying to me, I put something on your phone that would allow me to read all your text messages. And I learned that you’ve been visiting your sister since she had the baby. And that you’ve been giving her money. Money you’re obtaining by helping people cheat at your school. If I weren’t the one responsible for you and your actions, if I weren’t concerned about having a second daughter bring shame on this family, I would actually be impressed. Impressed by the amount of lying and scheming you’ve been doing. But I realize that this is all my fault.”

His voice sounds genuinely contrite. And for a second, a flicker of hope lights up in my heart, that maybe Dad has been able to find that mercy he preaches so much about. That maybe he’ll help McKayla. That some of the loving father I remember from my childhood is still somewhere in this controlling preacher. But I should know better. The only person Dad has any compassion for is himself. He forgives his shortcomings making others pay for them.

“It’s my fault because I should’ve learned from the past. I should’ve known that McKayla’s behavior contaminated you too. Her rebellion rubbed off on you like an insidious plague that has been rotting you from the inside, corrupting you to lie to your parents.”

I don’t say anything, thinking that for someone who has founded his own religion, away from Christianity and from all the major denominations, my father is starting to sound more and more biblical lately.

---