Page 46 of Shifted

"Ugh, and I wanted her to really like me?! She kept asking me out-of-pocket questions, and I just felt guilty about it." I paused as she stared at me weirdly and then at Maria.

"Hey, Mom, can you go check on Joely?" She looked at Bella, annoyed, and sighed, walking away. Sometimes, Maria didn’t get the hint when it needed just to be us two. But usually, I was okay with telling her whatever. But this was something I’d rather die than tell her.

"Guilty? What did you do?" She asked, and with shame, I squatted down on the stool and stared at the marble countertop. "Hope?"

"I fucked someone who wasn't Reed" Silence followed my words. It almost felt like an ache in my ears due to the lack of sound. "I cheated on my boyfriend, and I am a terrible, terrible person, Bella." I felt a hand touch my shoulder, and I looked to see her.

"It's definitely fucked up, I won't lie," She took a deep breath and sat beside me, combing her fingers through my hair, "It was a lapse of judgment, a misstep. We move past this; it didn't happen, Hope? You never slept with anyone else, and you're going to move on. You will not be doing this again, okay?" I nod as I feel the hot tears stream down my face. How could I do this?

Her hand grazed my face, wiping my tears. "It's okay. You've been dating for what?"

"Over a month."

"Okay... well, it's not a year?" That's the thing about Bella; whenever I did something fucked up, she tried to justify it with something else. But this was big and bad. I was a bad person, and that was something that was set in stone now. I was a cheater, and I cheated on my boyfriend.

"It was the first time,” I say aloud, reflecting.

"It was your first time?" she joked, trying to lift my spirits. "Because I think Joely would say otherwise."

"Since Joely, since him." She knew that, but it was harder for me to grasp now. I slept with Amartolos after claiming I’d never be able to sleep with someone again. But I did, and it wasn’t with my boyfriend; it was with a stranger.

?

"Hope?"

"Hope??"

"Hope, wake up, it's the morning." My eyes flutter open to my dorm, and as I look to my left, he's beside me on the bed, fiddling with my hair and kissing my palm, moving down to my wrist. His arms wrap around me tight as I sink into them.

“We have to wake Joely, or she’ll be late for daycare,” I turn to reach for my phone, but he pulls me back to face him, “Come on, you know how she is in the morning, I reasoned.”

“I’ll wake her up in a minute. Just give me five more with you,” he murmurs, keeping me in his arms. He places his chin against my shoulder and then nuzzles into my neck. Pulling me in for another kiss, my fingers graze his college t-shirt. “What if we just stayed in bed today? You don’t have to go,” He argues, his forehead wrinkling in a way it always does when he’s certain about something. It was one of the many things I admired about him.

“I wish I could, but I have a lecture hall in an hour, and Joely needs breakfast." I pulled the covers off, and as my feet reached the ground, his arms wrapped around me. My blue slippers are tucked under my desk, which looks to be a cluttered mess.

"Hope?" he asks, finally letting me out of his grasp. I slip on my sweats from the floor and turn to him as he sits up, confused. Something seemed to bother him by my words, but I couldn’t tell what was up.

“Yeah?” I ask.

“Whose Joely?”

Grasping my heart as the air filled my lungs, I sat up in my bed, startled. I was no longer in my dorm or with him. It had been a dream or, rather, some type of nightmare. But now I was left in my bedroom, which was colored by the early sunrise, the colors of winter's early morning hues of pink, yellow, and purple swirling in the sky. In the distance, the city slowly awoke.

Dreams are weird sometimes, but the ones where I’m with him are the cruelest. They were strange in ways to think about, like a memory formed in my head that was robbed of existence. It was worse when I had dreams about him being around when I was expecting her. Like he was there the whole time and went through it with me, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was gone, and I had my baby and raised her alone.

Rolling my body over the clock showed the time of 6:02 a.m.

Joely wouldn't be up for a few. So, I crawled out of bed and stumbled my way into the bathroom. I hissed at the feeling of the cold tiles against my feet, sending goosebumps up my shoulder. I stripped down and pulled the shower knob as the head blasted water against the gray charcoal walls. Setting my phone down, I began to hum the lyrics of Christmas songs, trying to clear my head.

After the shower, I dried my hair and slipped into my clothes for the day. I decided to go casual and comfy. I'll change later today. It was Christmas Eve, after all, and I had two dates to make. One where I'm trapped in an early family dinner with my boyfriend and his parents, and another with my family tonight.

My slippers scuff the floor as I make my way downstairs. I start up my Keurig and make a cup of cocoa for myself as I put on the news, though everything in it seems to be depressing. I wanted to spend Christmas with Grandma. I knew this might be her last one, but given the circumstances, my father would throw a fit.

"Mummy!" A shout is heard, and I make my way back upstairs, looking around. Her little feet poked out from under the curtain.

"Where did Joe go?" I ask as I hear her in a fit of giggles. I look around the room, ducking under the bed in search of her. "Well, she's not under the bed?" I go to the curtain next to her.

"Not in the curtains?” Then she squirmed lightly, causing the curtain to move. I pretend to walk away, but then I swiftly pull back the curtain, causing her to screech. "I found you!" She covers her face, shaking her head as I pick her up, smothering her face with kisses.

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