Page 128 of Prince of Pain

I would’ve panicked if I wasn’t so drowsy, and the fact that he’d stopped by this morning helped a lot too.

Anxiety clawed at my insides, knowing he was leaving for rehab this afternoon and I wouldn’t see him again until I got there myself in a few days. I’d told Mom how worried I was that they’d separate us, and I almost changed my mind about going when Ryder said they probably would keep a lot of our program stuff separate.

If we worked hard on ourselves and proved we wanted to get better, they’d let us spend some time together still. If one of us started dragging the other down though?

Well, I’d probably get sent to a different clinic.

I wasn’t sure if being sober was what I wanted, but I wanted Ryder, and I didn’t want to go back to empty sex and nights feeling lonely in a room full of people.

If being sober could make me feel less lonely, it was totally worth trying.

“I didn’t do anything to be proud of,” I said to Mom, and she gave me a small smile.

“Baby, you asked for help. That’s a huge step.”

“I didn’t ask, Ryder kind of threw it at me,” I said dryly, but the knowing look on her face told me she knew he hadn't exactly forced it upon me. “Well, he thinks I should, so I thought maybe I can try.”

“He’s a good man for looking after you.” Her eyes lingered on the bruises on my face, and she grimaced. “Sober, anyway. You both need a lot of self-discovery and therapy. You can’t do it all beside him, okay? He’ll be in there, but I need you to focus on yourself. Work hard so you can update him if there’s something he missed. Cheer each other on.”

“I love him, Mom,” I murmured, picking at the edge of the bandage on my wrist. “But what if he doesn't love me when I’m sober? I’m supposed to be the life of the party, so what happens when I’m not partying anymore?”

“You’ve always been the life of the party, Temp. Even before you knew what a party was. I’m telling you right now, that boy loves you. You didn’t see him when you were first brought in here. He spent most of the night beside you until Rory dragged him home at six the next morning. The way he watched you? It's the same way your father looks at me when he doesn’t realize I can see it,” she chuckled lightly. “Ry doesn’t throw words like love around, so if he’s saying it to you, he means it.”

“I don’t even have hobbies.”

“You’ll find some. You’ll find something you enjoy, and you’ll probably both go out on dates together now too. Trust me, you’ll find yourselves. Give yourself some grace. You need to heal before you climb mountains,” she explained. “And I’ll visit as much as you like. If you want space, I’ll respect it but don’t shut me out. I love you so much. I’m sorry you felt like I didn’t.”

Part of me still didn’t particularly believe it, but the doctors assured me that was in my head. When I explained to them about the phone call to Ryder just before I’d climbed in the bath and slit my wrists, they explained how detailed hallucinations can be.

Ryder even brought me my phone to go through the messages and calls, and the call didn’t exist. It was hard to wrap my head around, it had been so real.

The more the doctors dug into my brain about things, the more I realized how fucked up I was. So many things I’d imagined, and it made me feel fucking crazy.

“I still think I want to do porn. I’m good at it, and being my own boss is awesome. Ry’s happy to keep doing it too,” I stated, and she raised an eyebrow.

“You might change your mind when you’ve had some time to think about it, and you both have a long way to go to heal your relationship.”

“I don’t think I’ll change my mind.”

“Whatever you do, I’ll support it. It’s your life, I’m just happy to watch you thrive. Do you think you and Ry will be into the whole monogamy thing now?”

I shrugged, smiling slightly. “I mean, we like messing around with other people together. Maybe we just save it for the porn videos though. We should probably stop fucking all of our friends, right?”

“Right,” she snorted, eyeing me with amusement. “Do you want me to sneak some decent coffee in?”

“Oh my God, please,” I groaned. I’d do anything for a good coffee. “Am I allowed?”

“I’ll give the doctor a heads up just to make sure, but he hasn’t restricted you from anything,” she winked, getting to her feet and patting my leg. “I’ll go and see what I can do for you. Blackwater’s diner, right? I’ll be back soon.”

She wandered off to fetch me the liquid gold, and I checked my phone, finding a message from Ryder.

Ryder: My dads got out this morning while I was visiting you. So did Zane and Sniper.

Tempest: Are they mad at you?

Ryder: I thought Skeet was going to beat my ass for sure, but I think they were all warned to be nice to me. I wish I could talk to them more about it before I leave, but I don’t have time.

Tempest: Will you have your phone?

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