Page 80 of Locke

Be the kind of brother she looks up to, Hil.

Same line, same shit—none of it made a difference.

“Dona is just a stupid crybaby,” Hilfiger said, pretending to accidentally crush her next pyramid.

“Don’t do that,” I admonished. He kicked my back the second I looked away from him. “You shouldn’t hurt other people, either, Hil. Remember your dad’s three strike rule. One more time and you’re in time-out.”

But he was on a warpath today. Maybe he was overtired. I didn’t give a shit what the reason was. He threw the blocks across the room, making me fetch them one by one, and then he demolished Donatella’s raisin tray which just made her cry even more. He stuck his tongue at her for it, even pinched her leg when he thought I didn’t see. Poor little beauty. I hated when he bullied her. It took everything inside me not to snap, but the camera in the room was pointed right at this shit-fuckery, and I had to be the perfect babysitter.

“I want a Z-bar,” Hilfiger demanded next.

“Dinner’s coming up,” I assured him, wearily. “Your dad doesn’t want me to give you one until after you’ve eaten—”

“I want my Z-bar,” he repeated, like I wasn’t just talking.

“I can’t—”

“Z-BAR!” he screamed, cheeks reddening.

Fuck my life. I nodded straightaway, my skull pounding “I’ll see what I can give you—maybe an early dinner, hey?”

Suddenly, Donatella stomped her foot into his magnetic plane, destroying it, and then Hilfiger fell to the floor, screaming bloody murder as he buried his face into his hands, sobbing.

“We can build that again,” I said sweetly, silently counting down the minutes until I was out of here. “It’ll be better than the first, Hil. I promise.”

“No!” he screamed. “Never! It’ll never be the way it was! I can’t ever build—I can’t ever do anything without Dona breaking it all! I won’t do it—I’ll never do it again!”

Yeah, whatever, sure.

Picking up Donatella, I stood. “I’m going to set up dinner, okay?”

I glanced briefly at the backyard door, making sure it was shut, and then waited a few more minutes for Hil to calm down. Once his sobs petered off, I left. Donatella wriggled in my arms before eventually settling down completely, resting her head against my shoulder. As I strode up the steps, I shut my eyes momentarily, embracing her warmth like she was Aurora.

I kept the child gate open at the top so Hilfiger could breeze straight up when he was feeling better. On the second floor, I walked past the living room, the dining room, the corner room, another room I couldn’t be fucked putting a name to, and then I entered the enormous kitchen. I settled Donatella down into her highchair and faced her toward me. I glimpsed up at the gigantic television screen that was split up in many different little screens. In one of them, Hilfiger was now laying on the floor quietly, rebuilding his plane. Funny that when I split these two up, they suddenly acted like angels.

Donatella was quietly watching me. When she aimed for her pacifier hidden behind the bowl of bananas, I gave it to her, and she plopped it into her mouth. Ryan was trying to wean her off it like she was committing an atrocity, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. She grinned after I gave it to her, like she knew this was our little secret.

Yawning, I went through Ryan’s text and then began to pull out the gourmet lasagne tray from the fridge. I preheated the oven, glancing once more at the screen where Hilfiger was still building his plane. I slid the lasagne in.

I pulled out the plates and arranged them neatly on the island. I did some leftover dishes from when they snacked earlier, thinking maybe Ryan would give me brownie points for going the extra mile. But after my crazy fucking question, I doubted there would be any tips tonight.

And I did not blame him.

What the hell had come over me?

Returning to the fridge, I pulled out some sides. The kids loved their sides more than the main meals, I noticed. I divided the potato salad and cheese sticks on the plates. I snuck a slice of cheese in my mouth for energy, feeling a perk a few minutes later. I was so stressed, I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. Donatella giggled when I yawned again, and then she mimicked me. I smiled widely at her. God, she was freaking cute. I handed her a slice of cheese, and she pulled her pacifier out to chomp it down.

“See how much fun we can have?” I spoke.

I returned to the oven after a good bit, and the lasagne was sizzling. To crisp the cheese at the top, I put it on broil. Hilfiger loved when the cheese was just a little burnt.

Speaking of, I glanced back at the screen. The magnet plane was still a work in progress, but Hilfiger seemed to have moved along. I glanced around the screen, searching for him, and as the seconds went on, my smile faded, and my heart climbed up my throat.

He wasn’t there.

I looked at the other screens. Maybe he was up here, in the upper living room. “Hil!” I called out, but there was no answer.

A cold feeling washed over me.

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