Page 82 of Learning to Change

Bingo.

“That.” Taking another breath, he seemed relieved to have it out there because his shoulders lowered and his arms uncrossed. “I’ve been thinking about…part of my relationship with Joel where I think I’m supposed to take the lead, but I’m not feeling very…”

He shrugged as his voice trailed off, not having the right words to explain all the shit that was probably circling in his head.

“Then let’s try something different.” He couldn’t get any more conflicted, so we could only go up from there. “It’s just us for at least another hour, so why don’t you try kneeling for me.”

Pausing to give him a second to think, his brain didn’t skip to where I thought it would. “Because…because it can center a submissive and make them feel calmer while they explain a problem?”

“Yes.” I didn’t think it would feel strictly sexual to Dean like it did to Joel, but they were very different kinds of subs. “If it makes you uncomfortable, we can just go lie down and pretend we’re getting ready to put Joel to sleep.”

That got a smile from Dean and a quick laugh. “I think we’ve created a monster.”

“Oh yeah.” We should’ve known that he’d dig his heels in on that. “But it’s not the worst relationship habit he could’ve picked up from his parents.”

Another laugh from Dean had him looking more relaxed. “I would have to agree.”

There was another moment of silence, but it wasn’t as angsty that time, and he finally nodded as he let out a breath. “Yeah, let’s see how it works.”

Such a rousing endorsement of wanting to kneel for his Dom.

“Alright.” But if he wanted to feel casual about the situation, I could do that. “Come on.”

Yep, nothing stressful here…just two guys who are going to chat and one is going to kneel. Nothing to overthink.

I had a feeling Dean was repeating something close to that on repeat in his head because he had his overthinking face on. But he followed me and didn’t argue or safeword, so I thought we were making progress.

He looked okay until I sat down on the couch and placed one of the throw pillows down between my legs. That was when he swallowed again and nodded to himself. I knew it wasn’t to me because he hadn’t looked away from the pillow and was mumbling something too low for me to catch.

So I waited.

And waited.

It probably wasn’t as long as I thought, but eventually he lowered himself to the floor, slow and careful like he was overthinking even kneeling. He probably was, so I gave him a few seconds to wiggle and change his mind, but he just got comfortable and at last let out a deep breath.

And then I finally got eye contact.

It was progress, so I took an exaggerated deep breath and shifted my arms so my elbows were resting on my knees. He mirrored my breathing and actually looked like he was starting to relax. Once we got to that point, I reached out and started slowly combing my fingers through his hair and trailing them down his neck. “You look good like this. Relaxed. It makes me feel confident.”

Bingo.

He flashed me a glare but it didn’t last long. “You manipulate me too.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m bullshitting, though.” I shrugged and grinned as he huffed. “I’ve imagined you like this, but I have to admit, usually Joel is in the fantasy too and he’s egging us on to do something fun.”

Well, sometimes, but it made Dean laugh. “That sounds realistic, honestly.”

“But this is just as nice.” We’d never done anything sexual just the two of us and I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but it was nice.

It just reminded me that I needed to get Joel’s feedback on what he thought we could do with just two of us instead of all three. But I wasn’t going to worry about that at the moment. This wasn’t about the blow jobs and sexy part of BDSM…this was the other side that we hadn’t explored as much.

The sexy part was definitely easier…and flashier.

“Yeah, it’s not as weird as I was expecting.” His total bullshit answer made me laugh. “Fine. It’s just as weird. Better?”

“Yes.” Giving him a quick peck as a reward for telling the truth, I kept up the soft touch and let him relax again. “I like honesty.”

That got me a dramatic sigh that was Joel level of ridiculous, but he nodded after a moment. “You’re right. This kind of talk…it’s got to be that way.”

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