Page 91 of Whatever You Want

“So, you’re just going to leave me because I might get sick one day. That’s good to know.”

“This is not easy for me. I need to think of my daughter. I need to do what’s best for her. For us. Even though I l-lo….”

His eyes seared into mine, silently begging me to say the words, but I couldn’t get them out.

What the hell was wrong with me?

“You love me. I know you do.” I could feel the pain in his voice, making that guilt I felt in my gut settle in deeper. “I feel it in every kiss, every touch, every moment we’re together. You might not love me as much as you love him, but I know you do.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about it.”

“Then tell me what part I’m wrong about?”

I could end this right now and tell him he is who I want. That he was the man I was in love with, but that would only complicate things because maybe he was right. Maybe this wasn’t meant to last.

“This isn’t just about you and me,” I reminded him. “I need to do what’s best for Madison.”

“I have a daughter too. You’re not the only one who puts their kid first. But I would never, ever give up on you like you are on me right now.”

“I never said I was giving up on you!” I closed my eyes, wishing I could admit to him how much his love terrified me. But instead, I forced those steel walls up around my heart. It was the only thing keeping me from falling into that deep, dark place I left months ago. The last thing I wanted to do was go back there. “Can you please just give me some time to wrap my head around this?”

“It doesn’t sound like I have any other choice, do I?”

“Why are you so angry with me?”

“Why can’t you just tell me you love me?”

“Because it feels like you’re giving me an ultimatum here, and that’s not fair.” Not to mention he was angry. So damn angry. There was too much at stake here, and I was feeling overwhelmed. But at the same time, it was crazy how well he understood me.

“If you can’t say the words, then I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here. I’ve laid it all on the line for you, Ava. You said that you’re scared that we might not have a future, but clearly what you really aren’t saying is that you don’t want one with me. If you’re not sure you can be with me, then maybe that’s a sign that this will never work.”

I stared at him, not knowing how to respond. It felt like I was in flight-or-fight mode and everything in me told me to run. Maybe I was overreacting, but he was asking, no commanding, and I refused to be put on the spot.

“Listen, emotions are running high right now, and I don’t want to throw away what we have in the heat of the moment.”

“But that’s exactly what it feels like.” He looked away, swallowing hard. “If you love someone, your first thought isn’t about leaving them the day they get home from the hospital after getting stabbed. Instead of giving me comfort, you’re making this all about you. You should be in my arms, telling me everything is going to be okay. Instead, some of the first words out of your mouth are, ‘I don’t think I can do this.’”

“You’re right. I’m so sorry.” I took a step forward, but he held his hand out.

“I don’t want your pity. You want time? You got it. Take all the time you need to figure out if you love me enough.” How I managed to keep it together, I had no idea. “If you decide that you can’t handle any type of future with me, and you want to spend the rest of your life guarding your heart, then no hard feelings. But what you’re offering me right now isn’t enough anymore.”

I took a step back. “I want to give you more, but I’m not sure I can.” The thought of losing him only fueled my fear, because once you experienced that level of pain, you did everything you could to avoid it from ever happening again.

“Then maybe you already have your answer.” A lone tear slipped down his cheek. He tried to brush it away, but another one fell right after. “Marco is going to be here any minute. You can go now.”

A painful cry fell from my lips. Never in my life have I felt so torn. I wanted to run back into his arms and pretend that this wasn’t happening. I wanted to take back everything I said, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I looked at him one last time as I walked to the door, trying to memorize every little detail about him. “I wish I wasn’t such a coward, because you deserve so much more.”

“Goodbye, Ava.” His voice was final, and I couldn’t blame him. My chest constricted, and my eyes burned with tears. The regret and the remorse almost had me turning around, but instead, I walked away even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

With a deep breath, I stared at Madison’s back-to-school list. I had a few small items to check off, but I was saving them for when she got home from her trip. She was spending a few extra days with my mom, and I was taking advantage of my time alone. It was hard to believe that summer was coming to an end, and she would be starting fourth grade in a little over a week.

I picked up my Kindle and went to grab my lunch when I heard the microwave beep. Getting lost in a good book while stuffing my face with a frozen pizza seemed to be the extent of my life.

Studying the books I downloaded was actually kind of humorous. They were all thrillers and mysteries. Usually, I would read romance, but the last thing I was in the mood for was someone else’s happily ever after.

I was trying to decide which book I wanted to start next when my phone buzzed on the counter. Amelia’s name flashed across the screen. I’ve been dodging her calls, keeping our communication strictly to text messages. I couldn’t keep avoiding her, and putting this conversation off.

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