Page 90 of Whatever You Want

I jerked back, caught off by his tone. How dare he act like he had a right to snap at me? I was the one who should be angry. This was not something he should have kept from me. He’s had plenty of opportunities to bring this up, but he intentionally kept me in the dark. I was planning a future with him, all the while he knew there was a chance he might not have one.

My fear was turning into panic, and that wasn’t a good thing. “You didn’t think this is something I should know?”

“It’s not something I like to talk about. Until the doctors tell me I have something to worry about, I’m going to live my life. Because guess what, Ava? There’s not a damn thing I can do about it except address the symptoms as they arise. If I ever go into heart failure, there are things they can do to treat it.” His tone sharpened to match his eyes. “But what good is it going to do me to worry about something that I can’t control and may never happen?”

“You should have told me!” I shouted. “You should have been more upfront with me.”

“Why? So you can fixate on all the things that could go wrong? Why do you think I didn’t tell you right away about the accident? Because I knew you would focus on every worst-case scenario.” He yanked on the ends of his hair in frustration. “I know how twitchy you get about death, so I didn’t want to spook you.”

“Twitchy?” Could he be any more insulting? “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You had a front row seat and witnessed firsthand how well I handled the death of my husband. You didn’t think I had a right to know what I might be facing in the future?”

“It always comes back to your husband, doesn’t it?” I narrowed my eyes, feeling like everything was spiraling out of control. “He’s always going to be your husband and I’m what?”

“We are not doing this right now.” I stared at him, feeling the frustration building. “You need to stop comparing yourself to Drew. I have never once, since we started dating, made you feel like a substitute for him.”

He pressed his lips together and stared at me. “It doesn’t help the way I feel, though, does it?”

“I guess it doesn’t,” I said, feeling pissed off that he didn’t recognize the effort I’d put into this relationship or how far we’ve come. “Tell me the truth. Were you ever planning on telling me?”

“I told you, I was afraid of how you would react. I wanted to make sure we were solid before I put that burden on you.”

To think that I was ready to give him everything and now…God, how could I give my heart away again knowing that there was a good chance I could lose him. How could I knowingly sign myself up for that type of pain again? I wanted to scream and punch something at the unfairness of it all.

I stood up and ran a hand over my face. “I need a minute.”

“No, you don’t get a minute,” he fired back. The raw panic in his voice almost did me in. “I need you to look at me. Really look at me. I’m fine. Don’t let this news get inside your head. It will probably end up being nothing.”

I blinked away the tears, making no attempt to hide them. The pain was a familiar feeling, and as fucked up as it was, I needed it because it felt like I’d just gotten the wind knocked out of me. I needed strength in any form I could get it.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” Tears slid down my cheeks because I knew in order to save my own heart, I might have to break his.

“Wow! I guess I know where I stand, huh?” He looked at the clock on the wall. “Less than ten minutes ago, you were crying in my arms, thankful I was alive. But the thought of me being sick in the future is enough for you to leave me. The reason why I didn’t say anything was because I was afraid you couldn’t handle the truth, looks like I was right. I thought if I could get you to love me, that would be enough to keep you. I guess I had it all wrong. You were never meant to be mine, because you’ll always be his. I’ll never be the one you really want. Just fucking admit it, Ava.” His eyes filled with anger. “This was never going to last and I was a fool to think that it would.”

I wanted to speak, to tell him how wrong he was, but I couldn’t get myself to talk.

“I’m such a fool." He shook his head. "Here you are ready to push me away, and I want to get down on my knees and beg you to stay. Do you have any idea how much I love you? I love you so goddamned much that I would trade places with Drew in a heartbeat if I could. Yes, I would trade my life for his because I know he is and always will be your entire world.”

I choked back a sob, overwhelmed with guilt. His insecurities about Drew ran much deeper than I realized. “Please stop.”

His eyes grew hard. “Just be honest with me and own up to it. Because I sure as fuck know that if Drew was the one with the genetic heart issue, the last thing you would do was think about leaving him because of it."

“That’s not fair,” I sobbed. “He was my husband!”

“Exactly, and I’m just a guy you’re fucking around with.”

My tears were flowing at a relentless pace. “How can you think that?”

I wish I could bring myself to tell him how untrue that statement was. My feelings for Logan ran so much deeper than I ever thought they could. But he was being so stubborn right now, and I had a feeling anything I said would get thrown back in my face.

Anger that I had no right to took over. The back of my eyelids burned with emotion that I couldn’t quite get a grip on. He didn’t fully understand what he was asking of me.

“Do you have any idea how it feels to have your whole world ripped apart?” My entire body shook as the truth I’d been holding in came tumbling from my lips. “No, you don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to hold your daughter at night while she screams for her father.” I swiped at my cheeks. “Or how much energy it takes to get out of bed every morning when all you want to do is sleep all day.” He went to grab my arm, but I pulled away. I wasn’t looking for pity or trying to make him feel guilty. I wanted him to understand my reasoning. “Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to rely on your best friend to help you shower and dress just so you can go through the motions to please everybody else? To feel like a failure because you’re fucking up at every turn because you went from being part of a team to have to do it all on your own?” His eyes filled with unshed tears as I struggled to get the rest out. “You become so terrified of losing everyone you love that you push them away because it’s easier than waiting for them to leave you? How can you ask me to put myself and Madison through that again?”

I turned away from him, unable to look him in the eyes. How could I? No matter how much I wanted to be with him, I was afraid I would lose everything all over again.

“You don’t need to do this,” he pleaded with me. “Don’t let your fears take away our future.”

“Our future? You mean the one we might not have.” His eyes widened, and I hated myself for hurting him. It was unfair to blame him for something he couldn’t control. But the funny thing about fear, it unleashed at the slightest hint of a threat. “I’m sorry, I know I’m acting selfish right now, but investing in a future with you and having it taken away would destroy me. I couldn’t handle going through that again.”

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