Page 60 of Whatever You Want

“Where’s Madison?”

I looked over my shoulder, the blinds were closed, and my room was void of any light. A lump grew in my throat.

“She’s downstairs watching TV by herself. She has no idea what today is. Just that I’ve been sad all day.”

I wasn’t going to win any mother of the year award, that was for sure.

“I’m at Brina’s dance class. We’re going out to mini golf and ice cream when she’s done. Madison is more than welcome to come with us. It might be good for her to get out of the house, and you sound like you could use some time alone.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you to offer. She would like that. Are you sure you don’t mind?”

Was it wrong that my boyfriend was picking up my kid so I could stay home and cry over my dead husband? I looked away, feeling guilty. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure what he saw in me or how much longer he would tolerate these ups and downs before deciding he’s had enough.

“Of course, I don’t mind.”

This man was too good for me. I didn’t deserve him, but there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was going to let him slip through my fingers. My feelings were unfair to him, yet his main concern was making things easier for me.

“Okay, text me when you’re on your way.”

After hanging up the phone, I looked at the photo one last time and put it back in the box where I kept it for safekeeping.

I quickly made my way to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. My cheeks were blotchy, and my eyes were red and swollen. I was such a mess. Maybe a glass of wine would help. It couldn’t possibly make things worse.

I walked downstairs and made grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I threw a tray of French fries in the oven and a bag of frozen vegetables in the microwave. I was feeling slightly better by the time Logan and Brina showed up.

“Hi,” I said, opening the door so they could step inside.

“Hey.” He smiled while pushing his sunglasses on top of his head.

A piece of hair had fallen out of place, and without thinking, I reached up and pushed it back. His eyes softened with unspoken emotion. I wanted him to pull me into his arms and take all my pain away. I wanted this day over with, so we could get back to where it wasn’t about anyone else but us.

“Are you guys hungry?” I took a step back and slid my hands in my back pockets. “I can whip something up really quick.”

“We are all set. We stopped at a drive-thru on the way over.”

“Okay, let me make sure she’s got everything.”

I started for the stairs just as Madison was coming out of the bathroom.

“Mom, are you coming with us?” Her eyes looked hopeful as she stared up at me.

I worried my bottom lip between my teeth and weighed my options. I could bury myself under the covers and cry my eyes out, or I could spend a few hours actually living my life. Spending time with people I cared about. Drew would want that for me. He wouldn’t want me alone in this house, crying over him.

“It might take your mind off of things.” Logan’s eyes met mine. “But there is no pressure.”

Taking my mind off of things sounded like the best idea yet. I wanted this misery to stop. Hadn’t I shed enough tears? My eyes drifted to the clock on the wall. I decided right then and there that I had spent enough time in my own head for one day.

“You know what? I think I will. Just give me a minute to freshen up.” Maybe being distracted for a few hours would help. If anything, it would make the time go by faster.

I ran upstairs to my bedroom before I had a chance to change my mind. I picked up my hairbrush and ran it through my hair. My eyes paused on my wedding band. I stroked my thumb over the diamonds, letting a few seconds pass. A lone tear slid down my cheek; my heart wanted to hang on to him for as long as I could, but my head knew it was time to let him go.

I slid my rings off my finger and held them up. It was completely unfair that Drew’s life was cut short, but that didn’t mean I had to stop living mine. I kissed my rings and slid them into a box.

Moving forward didn’t mean I would have to forget him. Maybe I could start remembering him instead.

The girls walked in front of us. I could tell Logan wanted to reach for my hand but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. There was a family with young children in front of us, waiting for their turn while a group of teenagers finished up. The girls were sitting on the bench playing Rock Paper Scissors to see who would go first.

Brina went first, and Madison went second. I set my ball down and took a swing. It didn’t even come close to the hole. Logan went last, and of course, the showoff got the ball in the cup on the second try.

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