Page 17 of Whatever You Want

“My truck is this way.” I held out my hand and waited for her to walk alongside me, but she intentionally kept her distance. I plowed my hand through my hair, knowing I’d royally fucked up. Stopping things from going too far was the right thing to do, so why was she making me feel like I did something wrong?

We navigated through the heavy traffic, making our way out of the city. I felt like such a dumbass. She hadn’t said a word since we left the parking lot. I wanted to punch myself for making her uneasy, for allowing my emotions to get the best of me. I glanced over at Ava a few times, noticing she did everything she could to not look at me. The car ride was tense, so I did my best to focus on the road and not on the stifling silence.

When we finally pulled onto her street, I could have sworn I heard her sigh with relief. I steered my truck into her driveway and turned the engine off.

She unclicked her seat belt and quickly glanced in my direction. “Thanks for the lift.”

She reached for the handle and was ready to jump out when I leaned forward to grab on to her arm. “Wait, please don’t go like this.”

“It’s fine.” She tried to wave me off like it was no big deal. She wasn’t fooling me, though. The confident woman who kissed me earlier was gone.

I glanced at her through the dim lighting of the vehicle. “Ava, you’re not doing a very good job of convincing me that you’re not upset about earlier.”

She rested her head back against the seat. “I may be under the influence, but I still feel things. And I’m not sure how to process those thoughts. I miss feeling, Logan.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “I miss feeling wanted as a woman. I miss the feeling of a human touch.”

“Hey.” I reached over and cupped her cheek in my palm, waiting for her to look at me. “I understand why you would feel those things. You’re a beautiful woman, Ava. You’re young and you have needs. No one would ever judge you for wanting or needing those things.”

She swallowed hard, focusing her attention out of the windshield of my truck. “I don’t want your pity or your sympathy.”

“How about compassion? Can I tell you how wonderful I think you are without you turning my words against me?” I took her hand in mine and entwined our fingers. “You lost the love of your life. I know you miss him, but it’s okay to want to move on. I didn’t know Drew very well, but I would guess that he wouldn’t want you to feel so alone.”

“I don’t want to forget him.” She sniffed. “I worry that I’m going to forget all these little things. Like the sound of his laugh, his crooked smile, or the way he would rub my back every time he held me. Will I ever get those things again? Will I ever feel that type of connection again?” She peered up at me, and I brushed a piece of hair off her face. I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but really, what the hell was I supposed to say to that? “I don’t know what scares me more, falling in love again or never finding it at all.”

“You will experience those things when the time is right. One day when you’re ready to give your heart away, you’ll get all of that and more.”

“Do you know how many times I reach for him first thing in the morning. Only to feel his side of the bed empty. I cried myself to sleep for six months straight. I still have his voicemails and text messages on my phone. I can’t bring myself to delete them. I hate this, Logan. I hate that I have to live without him. I hate that this can’t be fixed.”

“Shh…” I pulled her into my chest as she broke down in my arms. “Just breathe. I promise you that life will be okay again. I know normal seems so far away, and you’re still hurting inside, but you don’t have to go through this alone. There are a lot of people who care about you. If you need someone to hold on to, I got you.”

“Oh my God.” She pulled back and wiped her cheeks. “First, I try to kiss you, and now I’m crying in your arms over my dead husband.”

“No judgment.” I smiled weakly. “I know I’m speaking from the outside, looking in. You’re in pain. That’s the reality of grief. I know you carry a heavy burden, but you don’t have to carry it alone.”

She wiped at her cheeks and looked across the lawn. “I don’t want to go home. The house will be quiet. I just…” She stopped and closed her eyes. “Never mind. Don’t mind me. Clearly, I’m a hot mess.”

I should have walked her to her door. I should have offered her words of encouragement about how tomorrow is a new day. But it felt like whatever I said would be wrong.

“Would you like to go for a drive?”

She turned to me with a puzzled expression. “Don’t you want to get home?”

No, what I wanted was every second I could get with her.

“I’m not that tired.” I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “I’m used to running on little sleep due to my job, and sometimes a good drive helps clear the head.”

She looked at the darkened house and back at me. She toyed with her bottom lip, and I gave her the time she needed to think it over. After a few beats, she fastened her seat belt and placed her purse on her lap.

“Okay, I’ll go for a drive with you as long as I can pick the music.” She smiled. It was small, but it caused something to move across my chest. I would have done anything to keep her smiling.

“What is all this?” she asked as I handed her the plastic bag full of junk food.

I buckled my seat belt and reversed the truck out of the parking spot of the gas station. “It’s all I could come up with on short notice. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I bought a little bit of everything.”

“Wow.” She started pulling stuff out of the bag and piling it on her lap. “Beef jerky, potato chips, Cheez-Its, Skittles, Peanut M&M’s.” She paused and let out a loud squeal. “Did you know these little Hostess pies are my favorite?” She tore off the wrapper and took a massive chunk off the glazed pie crust. When she let out a little moan, I had to shift myself in my seat. “Do you want anything?” she asked, pulling out a pack of Twizzlers and looking at the bottom of the bag to make sure she didn’t miss anything. I wasn’t even paying attention to what I bought. I just threw the first things I saw into the basket and checked out.

“I’m good for now.”

“So where are we going?” She reached forward and grabbed a couple of napkins that fell on the floor.

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