Page 28 of Finding Limits

I toss the journal at the wall when going back to that place feels too torturous. I don’t know if that memory can ever be blocked out. I think about the baby that I never got to meet every day. I think about the others there might have been if Addison hadn’t run away, and if Solomon hadn't taken away my ability to be a mother.

I don’t blame my sister for escaping, but I do blame her for not taking me with her. I blame her for the nights I had to take her husband's cock in my ass. I blame her for Solomon’s secrets, and I blame her for the fact I never met my child.

Days like today are hard, I want to scream, I want to go outside and kick down an outhouse like Mitch did, but I saw the way those doctors looked at me back in Colorado after I was saved. They wanted to lock me away, and if it hadn’t been for the bikers who were there that day they would have. Being here is a blessing, and I need to start appreciating it.

I leave my journal on the floor and head out the door, taking a big inhale of fresh air as I step off the porch and head across the yard to the outhouse that Mitch is fixing up.

“Ev—” He stops what he’s doing as I approach him, staring at me in shock.

“I want you to show me some of this place,” I tell him, standing tall and keeping my back straight. I meant what I said earlier this morning about proving myself to him, and I want new, happy memories to help dull out the bad ones.

“You wanna go explorin’?” I get the sense he doesn’t quite believe me when he tilts his head sideways and creases his brow.

“You said there were all kinds of wildlife around here, I want you to show me some.”

“Well, then, we best get started.” He drops the hammer he’s holding and moves toward his truck, opening the passenger seat door for me. My stomach starts to tie up in knots, but I smile and get inside anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, that's what Addison always used to tell me. But I don’t want to think about her, or where we came from right now. There’s a different feeling mixed up with all my nerves, one that I haven't felt since I was a child. I think it might be excitement.

Mitch drives us further away from the cabin, and when I see a huge ranch coming up in the distance I start to wonder if I’ve pushed myself too far.

“You're taking me to where you work?” I hear the horror in my voice because I know from what he tells me some nights that the Carson ranch is busy. There's sure to be lots of people there and although I’m feeling adventurous, I’m not ready for that.

“Only to get somethin’, we’ll be there five minutes. Tops. And ya don’t have to speak to anyone ya don’t want to,” he assures me.

“Everyone’s gonna know who I am. I’m the cult girl freak and I don?—”

“You're not a freak,” he cuts me off sternly. “And ain’t no one here's gonna look at ya that way.” He pulls up in a very busy yard, and I stay rooted to my seat as he gets out and makes his way into one of the stables.

One of the men who passes the window raises his hat at me and smiles, and I smile back awkwardly as I continue to wait for Mitch, breathing myself calm.

There's so much going on I don’t know what to look at first. Being here is a reminder that while I’ve been locked in a bunker and living inside my head, the world around me has carried on.

Mitch steps out the stable leading his horse, and when he opens up my door I feel my pulse start to quicken.

“I also told ya that the best way to tour the ranch is on horseback.” He reminds me, holding out his hand for me to take.

“You want me to ride him?” I look up at his beautiful, but very large, brown horse.

“We’re both gonna ride him. You ain’t gonna see no wildlife drivin’ around in a truck with a loud engine and a rattly exhaust.”

I take another leap of faith, gripping his hand and letting him help me out of my seat. I try not to take notice of all the people around us and focus on Mitch.

“Now, put ya foot in this stirrup and I’ll help you up,” Mitch instructs me, and I jump when I feel his hands lift under me and force me over the saddle. “Sorry, ma’am, there ain’t no polite way to do that.” He smiles up at me before taking the reins in one hand and lifting himself up behind me.

“Put ya hands here and hold on.” He places my hands on the front of the saddle. “Rest back against me, and just go with the rhythm of the horse.” He clicks his tongue and I hold my breath, closing my eyes as we start moving forward.

“Open your eyes, darlin’,” Mitch whispers in my ear. “You’ve spent long enough in the dark.”

I open them on his command and notice how everyone in the yard has stopped what they’re doing to stare at us, and suddenly I feel very exposed.

“What ya’ll starin’ at? Ain’t ya ever seen a cowboy give a lady a ride before? Get back to work,” he orders, before kicking us on and making us move a little faster.

I don’t know how long we ride for but the thrill of it quickly takes over all the nerves I’d built up. I know I’m safe with Mitch, and now we’re out of the yard it’s just me and him. I feel so free in all the space surrounding us.

The sky is bright blue and seems to roll on forever, there's nothing but mountains, trees, and pastures for miles. And I like how it feels to have Mitch’s arms wrapped around me.

“Sorry, there ain’t much about today.” He eventually brings us to a stop. “There’s a stream just through those trees, we should get JD some water.” He slides off the saddle and leads me and his horse toward the tree line. I grip the saddle a little tighter, knowing I haven’t got him for stability.

“It’s beautiful here, I can see why you’ve made it your home.” When we get to the stream he tethers the horse near the water and helps me down off the saddle. He sits on one of the rocks and I can tell from the way he’s frowning that he has something on his mind.

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