Page 85 of Condemned Soul

“Dad, this tumor, it needs treatment, you need a doctor. You look too strong and healthy to be sick.” I can see her head already coming up with a plan. New hope, that I just can’t let her have.

“I look that way because I’ve had no treatment.” I squeeze her hand a little tighter and make her focus. “None of that was ever an option for me. By the time I noticed there was somethin’ wrong it was already too advanced. What I needed was acceptance, and I needed to have it before I told you.”

“You can’t just accept this, you have to fight it. Dad, you always fight.”

“Ella, I’ve fought, I was supposed to be dead four months ago. But time is running out now.”

“So why the hell are you spending that time in here? You need to be at home with us.” She’s angry, which I expected. There are many emotions to go through when coming to grips with something like this, and I’ve been through ‘em all.

“That’s never what I wanted, Ella. I’ve wanted to be a part of your life for so long there is no way I will spend the last few months of mine being a burden to you.”

“A burden?” Her eyes stretch wide as if I’ve stabbed her in the chest. “You’re my dad,” she whispers weakly.

“Ella, this is my decision and I understand that, right now, you're shocked and you’re gonna let emotion cloud your judgment. But what I’m doin’ is the right thing. It’s the answer to the club’s problem and to mine. You need Nyx, your children need their father.”

“And I need mine!” she shouts at me desperately. Ripping her hands from mine and standing up from her chair.

“You can’t tell me this, and expect me to be okay with what you're doing. You can’t die alone. You can’t die at all. We have a whole life together. You promised me that when I came to the club.” Watching her break into tears takes all that acceptance I’ve been working on and bursts it into flames. But I still manage to keep calm, watching as she backs away from me till her shoulders hit the wall. Then with wide, petrified eyes that are flitting around like her head is trying to find a resolution, she slumps down onto the floor and sobs into her hands.

“Ella.” I get up and go to her, sitting down beside her, taking her hand, and resting my head back against the door. “There is nothin’ in this world that I wouldn’t give to be able to keep that promise. I don’t wanna miss out on all the amazin’ things you're gonna do with your life. But this is the one decision I don’t get to make.” I look at her hand in mine and treasure how she clings to me. “I refuse to leave a world that has given me a family like the one I got, with anger in my heart.” I squeeze her hand tight in mine and bring it to my lips. “Gettin’ you back was the best thing that ever happened to me, and our time together may have been short, but we sure crammed a lotta love into it.” I need her to listen to every word I tell her because there's nothing that matters more to me in the world than her.

“What am I gonna do without you?” She sniffs away tears and I take my arm and wrap it around her shoulder. “You ain’t gonna be doin’ nothin’ alone. You got Nyx, you got my brothers and all the girls at the club. I know for a sure fact that you're gonna be okay.” I kiss the top of her head when she rests it on my shoulder.

“So, what happens now? You let these people put you away and then you let all the men, who want to hurt you, kill you before that tumor does?” I feel her body shudder at the thought of it.

“That’s the plan. Ya see this way I beat the tumor, and I get to know that you, and everyone I care about live happy lives, together. That’s a real nice feelin’ to go out on, Ella.”

“I can’t let you do it.” I feel her tears soak through the top I’m wearing and when I place my finger under her chin and raise her head back up to look at me, I smile at her.

“And I can’t leave you in this world, without knowin’ you’re protected.” I smile at her sadly.

“Dad…” She cries so helplessly as she runs outta words and shows me she understands, by nodding her head for me.

“Shhhh, ya don’t need to say anythin’. Let’s just sit here together for a little while.” I snuggle her back into my chest and rest my chin on the top of her head, closing my eyes and letting the tears she can’t see, stream over my cheeks and fall into her hair.

“What's with you, you're being weird?” I ask Maddy as she stirs her cereal around the bowl and looks like she’s on another fuckin’ planet.

“Nothing, I’m just thinking about all the things I have to do today.” She smiles at me and I know she’s lying.

“Maddy, tell me what it is.” Everything around me feels like it’s falling apart right now, I can’t not have her with me.

“I’m just sad about Jimmer.” She shrugs, pushing the bowl away and refusing to make eye contact with me.

“Things are lookin’ better, he asked to see Ella today. She’ll be with him right now, and if anyone can make him change his mind it’s her.” I know Prez got his mind set on being a hero, but he needs to know the consequences of it. I’ll visit him this afternoon after she’s spoken to him and I’ll tell him that I know Hayley was his daughter, for a sure fact. Then I ain’t above doing a little begging for him to put that same kinda faith into believing we can do this another way.

“Jessie, I think you might have to start getting your head around the idea of him not coming home.” I can tell by the weakness in her voice that she hates the idea herself, but she’s still accepting it and suddenly I feel real fuckin’ lonely.

“How do I get my head around the idea of lettin’ my president step into a prison and be fuckin’ murdered?” I raise my voice and instantly regret it when she covers her face with her hands and bursts into tears.

“Mads, I’m sorry.” I slide around the table so I can hold her. “I just can’t give up on him, he’s done too much for me. There isn’t a club without him.”

“Do you know how hurt he would be to hear you say that?” She looks up at me harshly. “He put everything into building this club, and now he’s prepared to give everything to save it. I get that you are angry and hurting because of what’s happening, but maybe it’s you that needs to find some faith, Jessie. Some faith in yourself.” She gets up from the table and storms out the cabin, slamming the door loudly as she leaves.

I don’t go after her, I just stare at the table knowing that she’s right. I’m letting Jimmer and the club down, but facing up and even thinking about how this club would run without him is too fuckin’ painful.

My cell vibrates in my pocket. When I see Agent Consuela’s name on the screen I answer it and brace myself.

“Jimmer wants to see you,” she informs me, and without responding I cut the call and grab my keys.

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