Page 80 of Condemned Soul

“I read your medical notes. Stage four. How did it get to stage four without us knowing?” She shakes her head in disbelief and hearing the words come outta her mouth makes me have to close my eyes and take a breath.

“Because I didn’t know, myself.” I eventually open ‘em back up and face the situation. “It came just as much as a shock to me. I’d been gettin’ the headaches for so long I’d convinced myself it was the whiskey.” I manage a laugh, trying my best to make this conversation go a little easier. But Maddy still looks devastated. “Then they started gettin’ really painful. I went to the doc, who sent me for a brain scan and… there it was.” I put it to her as simply as I can. Now that Maddy knows, I won’t be able to keep this to myself for much longer and I don’t wanna waste the time I have left talking about the thing that's killing me.

“They can’t operate?” She looks at me so hopefully that I can’t help smiling. Once you know your time is being cut short, you start to appreciate the little things like that.

“No, sweetheart, they can’t operate. I’m on borrowed time now, lasted way longer than I shoulda, and I can feel it catchin’ up with me.”

“So, why are you here? You should be at home, letting us take care of you.” She wipes the tears from her cheek and sits up straighter on her chair.

“That’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want you all to become my carers, I don't want to spend my last days on this earth with everyone cryin’ around my bed. I’m Jimmer-fuckin’-Carson, I was never meant to go out like that.” I take her hand across the table and smile when she laughs through more of those tears. “Since I got diagnosed I’ve been thinkin’ of all the ways I could manage this. I knew I’d have to leave you when it started gettin’ bad, but it always seemed so hard.”

“You’re not the old family cat that gets to shuffle off and die. We want to care for you. We want to be there for you. Don’t you see that?” Her anger forces its way back to the surface.

“I see that, and I knew you’d all be mad at me, but it’s how I wanted it. I want to be remembered this way, Maddy. Not weak and fragile, dependin’ on someone to take care of me. This, what I’m doin’ here, gives me a chance to take control. I get to choose when, and how, I die. How many men get to say they died helpin’ all the people they love?”

I’ve had over a year to come to terms with this illness, and now, the fact I get to go out saving my club has made it easier to accept.

“So this really is a suicide mission?” She closes her eyes when it all makes sense for her.

“I’m not scared of dyin’, Maddy. I’m scared of everythin’ I’m leavin’ behind and this way I get to protect you all.”

“This is gonna break Jessie and Ella. You have to tell them.” She looks at me sternly.

“I know.” I nod my head in agreement, “But that’s easier said than done. Ella’s gonna want me home, she’s gonna look at me with those big, beautiful eyes and beg me to let her take care of me, and it’s not what I want. This is what I want.”

“And is Consuela in on all this?” Maddy folds her arms under her chest.

“No, she has no idea. And it’s gonna stay that way.”

“Prez.” She pulls together a brave smile as she gets up and rounds the table, wrapping her arms around me and starting to sob.

“Shhhh now, don’t ya fuckin’ cry.” I take her face in my hands and force her to look up. “I’m the one who’s dyin’.” I try to make her laugh, but again, I fail.

“You don’t have to be brave, not with me.” Her eyes are magnified with tears as she looks up at me.

“I know that, but I need ya to be brave for me. Jessie is gonna need you, Ella is gonna need you. You came to this club when we were at our lowest. You got us out of a hella lot of scrapes and you’ve played a big part in raisin’ it back up. You're really somethin’, Maddy.”

“You really are a soft bastard, aren't you?” Now she laughs, and as she wipes away more of her tears I’m surprised at how good it feels to have someone else know my secret.

“Shhh, don’t tell a soul. You’ll ruin my reputation.” I wink at her.

“I can’t keep this from Jessie, it’s not fair.” She turns things serious again as she stands up and retakes her seat.

“I know it ain’t fair and I hate to put you in this position but I need a few days. Just a few days, while I get this confession done.”

“Then you’ll tell him and Ella?” she checks.

“You got my word.”

“Okay.” She takes my hand in hers again and squeezes it tight.

“Is there anything you need me to do?” she asks.

“Yeah, tell me somethin’ good. Tell me what Dylan and Sophia have been doing.” I push all thoughts of what's looming to the back of my head and listen as she tells me about the tree house Nyx, Skid, and Thorne are making for the older boys up by the lodge. It’s exactly the distraction they need, and hearing all about it is exactly what I need to.

“Grimm, I got somethin’ for ya.” Jessie tosses Grimm the keys to the cage he just pulled up in, then marches past where me and him are sitting round the firepit, to head inside.

“Another one?” I call out after him.

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