Page 22 of Condemned Soul

“Good, because I’m gonna make ya breakfast.” I rub my hands together and open the refrigerator to see what I can rustle up.

“No.” She holds up her hand. “I don’t do breakfast anymore.” She sips on the orange juice I’ve put out for her and holds up her other hand in refusal.

“You did breakfast before, are you tryin’ to tell me somethin’ about my cookin’?”

“No, your cooking is just fine. I just don’t like to eat breakfast these days.” She gets up from her chair and sits on the kitchen counter in front of me, curling her arms around my neck.

“Did you really mean what you said last night about making me your old lady?” She questions me again.

“I never say anythin’ I don’t mean.”

“And what about your little girl? You know Mary-Ann is gonna make seeing her difficult for you if you piss her off.”

“I love Hayley, but Mary-Ann’s exploitin’ that. I wanna be her father but I have to show Mary-Ann that she can’t use her as a pawn. I’ve always been respectful to her, more respectful than she deserved, but I got a limit and I won’t put what we could have at jeopardy for her. My lawyer will come through on that.” I kiss her before I have to pull away and take the kettle off the stove.

“Joanne, I know this is a lot to ask of you but there’s a chance Mary-Ann might go off the rails when she realizes what I’m doin’. If that happens, I’m gonna need help with Hayley.” I don’t want to see her reaction in case it’s bad. I know what I’m putting on her is way more than we ever agreed on, but my little girl has to come first.

“I never really thought about having kids.” She shrugs. “Especially not at my age.”

“Mary-Ann’s made it clear she wants Hayley growin’ up away from the club. I’m startin’ to see that it's more for her own benefit than our daughter’s. It’s unlikely she’d abandon her, but Mary-Ann's unpredictable. I need ya to know what you’re gettin’ into with this.”

“Of course, I’d help.” She takes my face in her hand. “I’d do anythin’ for you.”

“Even tell your folks we’re a thing?” I grab at her ass and rub my nose into her neck and when she’s finished giggling, she pushes me away just enough for me to see her face.

“Yes,” she tells me seriously.

“Just gimme a few months to get this place finished. I promise you won’t regret this. My vision for this club is gonna rock your world,” I promise her.

“You already rock my world, Jimmer Carson,” she tells me, hopping off the counter and tugging me by my belt toward the bedroom.

“I really appreciate this, Ella.” Skid’s girlfriend steps inside Ella’s house, holding her little boy’s hand. “I’m going through that awful, dead tired, can’t keep anything down phase.” She rolls her eyes and after hearing the symptoms, I assume that she’s pregnant. I swear this place is like some kind of breeding farm.

“It’s the least I can do, Dylan’s around your place all the time.” Ella smiles, before telling the little boy to head on through to Dylan’s room so he can find him.

“I’ve also got a Zoom call with the doctor in Montana who's been talking to Everleigh. It’s just a progress report but I’m really hoping there will be some good news.” I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about but she looks hopeful.

“Well, you just pick him up whenever you're ready,” Ella tells her, and she nods gratefully before she lets herself out.

“How did I not know?” I ask the question, that I’ve often pondered in my head, out loud and it makes Ella look at me curiously. “When you were pregnant, you were living with me for all that time and I didn’t know. How?” I’ve carried a lot of guilt since Ella left. How could I have not seen the signs when I’d been in the same situation myself?

“You were too focused on being the perfect wife?—”

“That I forgot to be the perfect mother.” I finish her sentence for her, feeling like a failure.

“Mom, there is no such thing as a perfect mother. We get tired, we get irritated, and we all make mistakes.” My daughter trying to make me feel better has no impact.

“I’d say what I did was a pretty big mistake. I could have ruined your life. I made it impossible for you to tell me you were pregnant, you must have been so scared.” I can’t bear to think about how she must have felt. Carrying a secret as big as that is all-consuming. I know that because I’ve been there.

“No. No. No. Noooooo!” I watch the line appear in the second window right in front of my eyes and my heart drops into my stomach.

It’s a Saturday, my folks are at the tennis club so I’m all alone in the house and when I decided to take the test, I really wasn’t expecting this. I only did it to put my mind at rest, you can’t get pregnant when you're on the pill. That’s the reason I have Carol drive me all the way to Denver every three months so I can get it without anyone around here finding out.

There has to be a mistake. I read the instructions all over again, checking that I followed each step correctly, and then when I realize I did everything right, I tear them apart in my hands.

“I’m pregnant,” I say the words out loud as I look in the mirror at my own reflection.

I can’t think straight, all I can see is the disappointment on my parents’ faces and the anger on Jimmer’s. He’s gonna think I did this on purpose to trap him the same way Mary-Ann did.

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