Page 10 of So Insane

“I don’t give a single shit what you meant, Bold. Which brings me to the first point. Denied and denied. You’re suspended until further notice, notice you’ll receive when I’ve determined whether you’ll go to records or to training or to custodial work or to spit shining shoes for actual field agents.”

“You misunderstand me, sir,” Faith said, keeping her voice even. “I’m not formally protesting to you. I will be formally protesting to the Internal Affairs Division.”

The Boss actually laughed at that. It was the first time she had ever heard him laugh. It wasn’t a pleasant sound. “There are easier ways to go to prison, Bold,” he said. “Just let me press charges against you, and we’ll expedite the case and have you locked away by the end of the month.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Faith said. “I will not only have my protest denied, I will most likely be discharged and then charged with obstruction of justice, interfering with a federal investigation, and a dozen other minor charges. I’ll be convicted, and I’ll go to prison, probably for a long time.”

The Boss’s glare deepened. “And you’re about to tell me why I don’t want that to happen.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes,” she agreed, “because it will torpedo your own career.”

“I torpedoed my career a long time ago, Bold,” he replied.

“But you didn’t torpedo your agents’ careers,” she answered. “You might never have a chance at Deputy Director, but you’ve built a solid reputation as one of the best SACs in the country. Agents compete for a chance to work for you because working for you all but guarantees an upward career track. That will change entirely when they learn that you allowed your best agent to operate as a vigilante.”

“You are utterly insane, Bold,” the Boss said softly. “You’re completely off the rails.”

Faith ignored the interruption. “There goes Desrouleaux’s chance at investigative instruction at the Academy. Chavez can take the short train to being a jaded lifetime junior field agent. Michael will never make supervisor, and SAC will be something he carries his lunch in. Or, you can reinstate me, we can catch West—together this time. If you don’t believe that I mean that, I can show you plenty of scars that will prove I do.”

“Get out of my office,” he said, “and pray to God, I don’t have you arrested for trying to blackmail me. You don’t want to be transferred? Fine. You’re fired, effective immediately.”

“Okay,” she said, “my first phone call will be to the Philadelphia Sun.”

He stared silently at her, his eyes as black as the void. “To be clear, Special Agent Bold, you’re threatening to take the entire ship down with you if I make you walk the plank. That about sum it up?”

“Yes,” she said.

Faith’s stomach twisted inside her. Bile rose in her mouth, and she clenched her jaw to keep from retching.

Never in ten years as an agent had she ever considered anything like what she was doing now. Never in ten years as an investigator had she ever thought she would be sitting across from her SAC, threatening to blackmail him if he didn't give her what she wanted.

You’re a parasite. West had said. You’re a weak, selfish, insecure, terrified little bug.

Bile rose in her stomach again, and she gripped her knees until her knuckles turned white.

The Boss stared at her for a long while, standing stock still, his eyes boring unblinkingly into her. When he finally spoke, the tenderness in his voice surprised her. “Faith, please. Listen to yourself. Is this who you want to be? This transfer is for your own good. I’m angry with you, and that colors the way I’ve presented it, but the right thing to do for you right now is to pull you away from fieldwork. You’re broken, Faith. This is the only way I know to save you. You’ve been a great field agent. Hell, you’ve been by far the best agent I’ve ever worked with. You deserve to ride off into the sunset. You deserve a chance to recover at least a little of what you’ve lost. Please give yourself that chance.”

Once more, there was a long silence. Finally, Faith said, “This is the only thing I can be. Until West is brought to justice, I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop hunting him. I can’t stop searching. You can have whatever opinion you want about me as an agent and as a person, but I will never forgive myself if I let him get away again.”

“It’s not your call, Faith.”

“Dammit, I…” she paused, lip trembling, and took a moment to compose herself. “I let him go, Boss.”

“You didn’t let him go, Bold, you tried to capture him and failed.”

"No," she said, "Not the last two times. I mean… I mean, Gordon asked me to help look into the Copycat Killer case.”

“He asked you to look into the case, not take over without the Bureau’s blessing.”

“I was going to say no,” she said.

His eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

“Really. He asked me to look into it, and I was going to say no because I didn’t think it would be good for my mental health to say yes. And while I was struggling with my decision, he killed again. Then I accepted the task, and while I was busy just looking through the file, as ordered, he killed Gordon. I let him go. I did what you ordered me to do, and now two more people are dead, one of them our friend and colleague. And…” she hesitated to reveal this. Up to now, she had kept the details of her interactions with West to herself.

But she had to get through to him. Her threat was valid and very real, but it was also a bluff. She wouldn’t gain anything by following through, so she needed him to relent before the Boss called the bluff.

So, she said, “When West was fighting me, he told me that he was focused on me because he wanted to do what Trammell couldn’t do. He wanted to break me. He’s been fixated on me ever since because his end goal is to destroy me and prove that he’s better than me. If I back off, then he’ll escalate. He’ll start going after Michael. He’ll go after Michael’s wife and my… boyfriend.” Her stomach twisted again when she realized she had nearly said ex-boyfriend.

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