Page 94 of The Dating Pact

Minutes later, when he finally settled, I wiped his face clear of tears and snot with the bottom of my T-shirt then hauled him back into me, kissing his head. “Mommy and I were both really excited when we found out we were going to have our first baby, but your mom, she was really excited. And she loved being pregnant. She took a picture every week to see how big you were growing in her belly, and she would sing to you, rubbing where she thought your head was. Sometimes people say women glow when they’re pregnant, and that was true for your mother. She lit up.”

Sebastian sat back, interested, so I continued.

“She second-guessed everything, the color of your nursery, the sheets on the crib, the clothes, the books, even the little washcloths and bath stuff. She was afraid you’d be sensitive to this thing or that thing, had bought three different kinds of diapers because she wanted to make sure you wouldn’t develop a rash on your tiny butt,” I said, earning a ghost of a smile from my son.

“And I’ll never forget the day you were born as long as I live.” I smiled at the memory. “It was the middle of the night when your mom started feeling like she was in labor, and I got us packed up and in the car right away. But the nurses at the hospital told her she wasn’t in labor. It was Braxton-Hicks.” I looked at my son, explaining, “That’s what it’s called when a mom might think it feels like labor, but it’s not. She feels pain, but not real contractions. So they sent us home, and your sweet, darling mother cursed up a storm. Dropping f-bombs all over the place. Cursed out the nurses, even the guy who brought up the wheelchair for her. She was pissed.”

Sebastian snickered. “What happened?”

“I brought her home, and a couple hours later, we went right back to the hospital. It wasn’t Braxton-Hicks contractions. They were real contractions, and you came screaming into the world as Mommy screamed at the doctors and nurses that she f-ing knew what she was talking about.”

He laughed even harder, and I ruffled his hair then dragged my hand down his cheek, admiring him like I used to in his crib. “When you cursed at me this morning, that’s what I thought of. Even through all the worry and fear of you running away, I thought of your mom cursing in labor at everyone who crossed her path. And I thought of how she loved you.”

I held on to him, both of my hands around his face, his features a perfect mixture of Mira and me. My two children, the living reminder of her, of some of the best times of my life, and I supposed I should let them in on more. They should know more about her, more of the memories I’d been so afraid to share with them. Afraid for them and for me. I didn’t want to fall down into a hole that I wouldn’t be able to climb out of.

But I was out. I was out now, and I had to keep my eyes open for my kids.

My perfect, beautiful children.

“Your mom loved being a mom more than anything. And she loved you more than life itself. That love will never change or diminish, no matter what. Even though she’s gone, she’s still in here—” I tapped my fingers on his forehead then lower over his chest “—and here.”

Tears streamed down Sebastian’s face anew, but he nodded, seeming to take some solace in my words. I cried too.

“Your mom will always be your mom. Nothing can ever change that or take that away. I promise you. No matter what happens, that will never change. Your love for her and her love for you is forever. You hear me?”

Another nod, this one accompanied by a tiny, tremulous smile and sniffles.

“We can talk about what happened today another time, but I want you to know how much Mommy and I love you, and even though she’s not here in person, you will always have her love. I’m proud to be your dad, and that will never change either. I love you.”

I searched his eyes, willing him to understand the depth of my words, of my commitment to him and his well-being, above all else. After an endless stretch of silence, he seemed to deflate with a sigh.

“I love you too,” he said and hugged me, accepting all the kisses I laid over his head.

I wiped at my own eyes and stood, motioning toward the parking lot. “You ready to get out of here?”

He stood and started toward me, but he stopped after half a step. “The email. Did you get it?”

I tried not to physically react. “Yeah, buddy, I did.”

He stared at me, understanding. “I didn’t make it.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

He swung back around, kicking at the dirt.

I closed the distance between us and kicked the dirt too. “Damn it.”

He paused and furrowed his brow at me, so I shrugged, allowing him to follow my lead. I tried not to curse to be a good example, but if there was ever a time to let it fly, today was the day. He stomped his foot. “Son of a bitch!”

I nodded. “Assholes!”

“Motherfuckers!”

“Hey, whoa, okay.” I grabbed hold of him, towing him into my side with a chuckle. “That’s enough for now, all right?”

We walked together back to the car, my arm over his shoulders, both of us quiet in our thoughts. The car ride home was quiet too, and while I was beyond relieved to have found Sebastian, this was only the beginning. We had a long road ahead of us.

Once I parked, Seb headed right inside, not waiting on me, so I stayed in the car to call my mother then Youmna, letting them know I’d found him safe and sound. Of course, they both wanted to come over, but I asked them not to. Told them Sebastian and I both needed some time, and that we had a lot to work through. Neither one of them was happy about my boundary, and I was positive they were already texting each other about me. Wondering if I needed to seek medical attention.

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