Page 10 of The Dating Pact

“But I am happy,” he said, and I eyed him. “Mostly.”

“What might make you more than mostly happy?”

He didn’t answer, and I suspected it was because what would make him more than mostly happy was having Mira back.

“What’s making you consider dating again?” I asked, and he forked another piece of cake into his mouth, his gaze off in the distance somewhere.

“Sex,” he finally answered, and I choked on crumbs that went down the wrong pipe, earning a few chuckles as he smacked my back.

“I didn’t expect that,” I muttered, opening a bottle of water.

“What? You think I’m some kind of asexual worm being?”

“More like Ken.” I jutted my chin to his crotch. “Nothing but smooth plastic down there.”

“Least I have working parts,” he mumbled around another piece of cake.

I punched his arm, laughing. “My vagina still works. Just…not very well.”

Sex since my cancer treatment had not been often or very good. It was basically dry as a desert down there, and the few times I’d attempted it, it had not gone well. He shouldered me, letting me know he was kidding, of course, and I playfully knocked my fork against his, batting him away from Beckham’s face. I helped myself to his forehead.

“So, what?” I started, speaking with my mouth full. “You want to date to have sex?”

“Essentially.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to get married. I know I won’t be finding my soul mate, but the guys talking about me being happy made me think…”

“Sex will make you happy?”

“Couldn’t hurt.”

The math made sense. Jude was a tactile guy, always hugging and high-fiving, patting shoulders and rubbing backs. I’d imagine he missed having that physical intimacy with someone.

He waved his fork in my direction. “Your turn.”

“Not too complicated. I want to be married. I want kids.” Even if those kids didn’t come from my belly, I still wanted a family. “I want the white picket fence, but I can’t get that if I stay holed up alone with Dorothy.”

“Holed up with Dorothy? Why do you say it like that? Dorothy’s great.”

Dorothy was not great. She was moody and violent, especially toward men. Not Jude, though. Because everyone loved Jude. Even my grumpy cat.

I’d adopted her during my cancer treatment, before Tom had left me, and I assumed that was why she distrusted men. She was as scarred from that relationship as I was. Maybe she was onto something with her hatred of people with the XY chromosomes.

“If I don’t put myself out there, I’ll never find the one,” I said.

Jude thought about that for a moment. “And you think you’ll find the one?”

I settled back against my chair, swinging my feet up onto the stones of the fire pit. “I hope so.” Then I brushed loose strands of hair behind my ears. “And you think you’ll be happy with sex?”

“I’m not sure.” He popped the lid over the cake we didn’t finish and sipped on his root beer. “It’s scary to think about going out on a date, but I wouldn’t be able to pick someone out of a lineup to get naked with, you know?”

“Yeah. I get that.”

“But I’m also not interested in a relationship either. I don’t want my kids knowing what I’m doing.”

I slanted my head back. “Why not?”

He stroked his palm over his beard a few times. “First of all, it feels like I’m cheating on Mira, which—” he held up his hand before I could interrupt “—I know, is not true, but that’s how I feel. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been with or loved, and it’s impossible to ignore that. I know I’ll never find someone like her again, but also… I’m lonely.”

He met my eyes, and my heart broke for him. For his family. For everything that they’d all lost.

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