Page 21 of Madness

"So," Dakota says, wrapping his hands around his coffee mug. "Tell me more about Miles. If you're comfortable with that, I mean."

I take a deep breath, stirring my tea absently. "It's... complicated," I start, then laugh humorlessly. "But I guess that's true for most relationships, right?"

Dakota nods, his eyes encouraging me to continue.

"Miles and I, we weren't... we weren't in a good place when he died," I admit, the words feeling heavy on my tongue. "We fought a lot. About his drug use, his drinking, about money, about the baby... about everything, really."

I see a flicker of surprise in Dakota's eyes. "I'm sorry," he says softly. "That must have been hard."

I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "The thing is, I was angry with him for so long. Even after he died, I was angry. And then I felt guilty for being angry because you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, right?"

Dakota reaches across the table, his hand covering mine. The warmth of his touch is comforting. "There's no right or wrong way to grieve, Lauren."

His words unlock something in me, and suddenly, I'm talking more than I have in years. "I loved Miles, I did. But towards the end, I think I loved the idea of who he could be more than who he actually was. And then he died, and I was left with all these unresolved feelings and a baby on the way."

I look up at Dakota, suddenly aware of how different our situations are. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be dumping all this on you. Your loss... it's different."

Dakota squeezes my hand gently. "Different, yeah. But pain is pain, Lauren. Your feelings are valid."

He's quiet for a moment, his eyes distant. "Chloe and I, we were happy. At least, I thought we were. Her death... it blindsided me. One day, we were planning our future, and the next..."

He trails off, and I can see the raw pain in his eyes. I turn my hand over, intertwining our fingers. "I'm so sorry, Dakota."

He gives me a sad smile. "Sometimes I think it might have been easier if we had been fighting. If there had been signs. I mean, things weren’t perfect. They never are. But it was so sudden, so final. I didn't get to say goodbye, didn't get to tell her one last time that I loved her."

We sit in silence for a moment, both lost in our memories. Despite the differences in our experiences, there's a shared understanding between us. A recognition of the pain, the guilt, the what-ifs that come with loss.

"You know," I say finally, "I think in some ways, you're braver than I am."

Dakota looks at me, confused. "What do you mean?"

"You loved Chloe wholly, without reservation. Even now, you honor that love," I explain. "I've been so scared to love like that again. Scared to be hurt, scared to lose someone else."

Dakota's thumb traces circles on the back of my hand. "I don't know if it's bravery," he says softly. "Sometimes it feels more like a curse. To have known that kind of love and lost it."

I nod, understanding. "But you're here," I say, gesturing between us. "You're trying. That's brave."

He smiles, a real smile that reaches his eyes. "So are you, Lauren. So are you.”

After a comfortable pause, Dakota leans back, his fingers still intertwined with mine. "So, enough about the heavy stuff for now. Tell me something good, something you're looking forward to or dreaming about."

I hesitate for a moment, then decide to share. "Well, I've been thinking about going back to school. Nursing, actually."

Dakota's eyes light up. "Really? That's awesome, Lauren. What made you choose nursing?"

I can't help but smile at his enthusiasm. "I've always wanted to help people. And after everything with Miles, and then taking care of Roman... I don't know. It just feels right. I’m a caretaker by nature, I think. Like I could make a real difference, you know?"

He nods, understanding in his eyes. "I get that. It's like with music for me. When I'm playing, when I see how our songs affect people, it feels like I'm doing something meaningful."

"Speaking of music," I say, genuinely curious, "how's everything going with the band? You mentioned you guys are getting ready for a tour?"

Dakota's face lights up, and I can see the passion he has for his work. "Yeah, we're in the final stages of prep. It's exciting but also a little terrifying. We're playing bigger venues this time, more press coverage. It's a whole new level for us."

"That sounds amazing," I say, trying to imagine what that kind of life must be like. "How do you balance it all? The touring, the recording, the public attention?"

He laughs, running a hand through his hair. "Honestly? Sometimes, I'm not sure I do balance it. It's a lot of late nights, early mornings, and living out of a suitcase. But when we're on stage, when everything clicks, and the crowd is with us... there's no feeling like it in the world."

I listen, fascinated, as he tells me about life on the road, about the camaraderie with his bandmates, about the thrill of creating music. It's a world so different from mine, and yet I find myself drawn in by his passion.

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