Page 69 of Mayhem

Still silent, I lead Brad through the sliding door to a small square patio surrounded by a tall privacy fence. There’s barely room for two chairs and a rarely used gas grill, but it will do. We each take a seat, our knees almost touching. It’s only now I realize how disheveled I must look, having just jumped out of bed. Nervously, I try to fix my hair, and wipe under my eyes to clear any stray mascara. Not that any of it matters, but it makes me feel a little more awake.

Before I can completely pull myself together, Brad grabs my hands, forcing me to look right at him. The suddenness of it jolts me, and I can’t look away.

“I’m a selfish asshole,” he says, but then stops. Obviously searching for what else to say.

“This is me not arguing with you,” I say flatly. Despite my wretched state, I do have my full wits about me now at least.

His lip twitches like he wants to laugh, but he controls it, serious again. “I mean it. I thought I was doing the right thing last night, breaking things off. Protecting you from the bullshit of my past that always finds a way to haunt me. But I wasn’t protecting you. I was protecting myself.”

“I don’t understand. You broke up with me to protect me?”

He squeezes my fingers, pulling me a little closer. “That’s what I thought I was doing, but that’s not reality.”

“And what’s reality?”

He sighs and lowers his gaze to our hands. “The reality is that I was ashamed and full of guilt. For anything related to me to hurt you like that…I just couldn’t handle it. Not only did I not want to do that to you ever again, but I hate being the cause of it.”

“None of that was your fault…”

“Isn’t it, though?” He meets my eyes again, and the anguish there punches me in the gut. “I’m not a perfect person. I never have been. And shit like yesterday with Sierra and Gina is probably going to happen again. Hell, Tess, our first date was a fucking shitshow with Gina fucking showing up like that. I may not control any of it anymore, but I am certainly the cause of it. If it weren’t for me, and who I used to be, you wouldn’t have been so hurt yesterday.”

“Brad…”

“No, see, here’s the thing,” he looks away, focusing on something off in the distance. “Regardless of the circumstances of what happened, there was something in your mind that allowed you to believe the worst about me. Right?”

He shifts to look at me, and I squirm a little. He’s absolutely right. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I believed right away that he was the kind of person who would betray me. That’s on me.

Now it’s my turn to look away, but I force a nod, ashamed of myself to admit it. I did think the worst.

“I don’t blame you, Tess. Not even a little bit. If I were in your shoes, I would have believed it too. But see, I did that to myself. I have fucked up my reputation in such a way that I made it so fucking easy for you to believe it. That is what I’m ashamed of. And the guilt I have for the shitty life I’ve led, leading up to you, the one person I want to believe in me, was overwhelming. So, I pushed you out and ran away like a fucking coward.”

Tears sting and prick the back of my eyes. I can’t stand seeing him like this. “You’re not a coward.”

“Yes, I fucking am. And I’m sorry.” He pulls on my hands, forcing me to face him again. It hurts me deeply to see so much turmoil on his face. His whole body is tense with emotion. “I’m sorry, Tess. I truly am.”

“I’m sorry too,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “Am I dreaming this right now? Am I still asleep? Are you real?” My hands slide out of his and reach for his face, my fingers dragging along the scruff on his chin.

He grabs onto my wrists, firmly planting me in reality as a grin spreads on his lips. I love that smile. The one that reaches his eyes when he’s truly happy. I want him to smile at me like that all the time.

“Yes. I’m real,” he chuckles, but then grows serious again, his voice husky, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. “Tell me you forgive me.”

“I forgive you.”

“Tell me we’re not over.”

“We’re not over.”

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you.” I say it without thinking. It’s automatic. It’s true.

His brows raise in surprise at my admission, but the smile is back. “Good. Because I happen to love you too.”

My own smile grows. For a second, my mind played tricks on me that this was just a joke to get me to say it. The three words that are the easiest and hardest to say: I love you. But when he says it back, I know it’s true. I feel it in my soul.

Brad Fucking Chambers loves me.

He leans in slowly, hesitating to read my face once more. “You’re sure?”

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