Page 50 of Mayhem

What I do know is that my feelings for Tess are different from anything else I’ve experienced before. With other women it was all surface and zero depth. With Tess I seem to have an insatiable appetite. And not just for sex, as amazing as that is, but for everything about her. I want to know everything.

But is it just infatuation? She’s so different from everyone else I’ve dated that it’s a novelty of some kind? And it’s going to wear off at some point in the future when I least expect it? It’s possible, sure, but that doesn’t feel right either.

And why the fuck am I trying to put it into some sort of box? Categorize or label it to fit some sort of algorithm in my head? Hell, even my heart? And why the fuck am I questioning everything now?

Fuck Emmett.

“You don’t know the first thing about it, dude,” I say, pushing my shot glass to the edge of the bar for a refill. The bartender gives me the familiar nod of acknowledgement. “People can change.” I turn on the barstool to face him head-on. “You just choose not to.”

He laughs, “Me? Change? Why would I even want to? I’m great. Fucking fantastic as I am.”

Stefan and I catch each other’s eyes and start laughing at the ridiculousness of Emmett’s statement. He’s the worst out of all of us; never taking a damn thing seriously – especially relationships.

“Dude, you’ve never even had a girlfriend,” I chide. He has no clue what he’s talking about.

“Why would I want that hassle? That ball and chain?” he scoffs, as if it’s the most preposterous idea in the world, and I’m insane for even suggesting it. “I am free as a bird to do whatever the fuck I want, with whoever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want. Don’t mess with success, man. You remember those days, right? Wasn’t it just a few months ago when you broke up with Gina that you were cruising Sunset right next to me? How quickly you forget…”

“It was more than a few months ago,” I argue, not liking the picture he’s painting of me as some kind of poster boy for failed relationships. He’s not entirely wrong. That was me. But it’s not anymore. “And I haven’t forgotten shit. Trust me. But people can and do change – if they want to. And, you know what? I do.”

Emmett must sense something in me, maybe it’s the truth he’s finally seeing, who knows, but his eyes shine as if he’s trying to think of a comeback.

Before he can find one, Dakota chimes in, making all of us turn to look at him. “People can change, like Brad said. I know that I’ve changed a lot in the last few years. It’s not easy, but it’s doable, you know?”

Stefan and I nod our agreement, though I think I’m the only one of us that really knows about his wife dying, and the story behind it. Emmett, on the other hand, gives Dakota a resentful sideways glance for butting in.

“What the fuck would you know about it?” Emmett sneers. “You’re what, barely twenty-one?”

“I’m twenty-six,” he says, and I can see a little bit of anger peeking through.

Good. Let him have it, kid.

“No way,” Emmett waves him off.

Dakota apparently doesn’t like being dismissed like that, and stands up, his height now prominent compared to Emmett’s, who starts to shrink a little bit at the display.

“Way. And trust me, I do know what it’s like to be in a relationship, and to change.” His brows draw down and I can see the pain behind the anger that’s now surfacing. This is about to get out of hand.

Leave it to Emmett to do this tonight. It was supposed to be a fun night out, and it’s turned into a shitshow already. I’m not drunk enough to deal with this bullshit.

“Guys let’s just drop it, and enjoy the show,” I say, lifting my hands in surrender. I hate that I always have to play mediator between Emmett and whoever he’s decided to fuck with, but I’ve played this role long enough to know when it’s needed. Like now. “When is Lizzy’s band starting?”

Stefan glances at his phone. “About fifteen minutes, I’d guess.”

Dakota takes the cue and sits back down at the bar, while Emmett takes a chug of his beer, nonplussed by everything he just stirred up.

I, on the other hand, can’t get Emmett’s words out of my head. Downing the newly provided shot, I try to push the negativity away but it’s fucking persistent. I talked a good talk, but do I believe it? Why am I suddenly doubting everything again?

Glancing over at Dakota, I wonder about what he’s said. Sure, maybe he has changed from who he was back when his wife died, but what good is it really doing him? It doesn’t seem like he’s really moved on from her death. He’s cleaned himself up, but it’s not like he’s putting himself out there to test it. What if he can’t have another relationship like the one he had with his wife?

What if I can’t handle a real relationship? My spots may have changed, but what if they’re still in the same place? I could be stuck being a surface guy, just chasing the high of new things. And maybe that’s all I’m doing with Tess, and it just feels different because she’s a different kind of person than who I usually date. She just has her shit together.

I’ll fuck it up somehow. Of that, I’m sure. If life has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t have nice things. I’ll find a way to break any new toy that I get, just like the fucking man-child that I am.

What if Emmett is right?

32

PRAYERS

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