Page 39 of Mayhem

My heart jumps as I try to digest what he’s just said. “So, wait. You forgive me?”

He laughs softly, and it’s music to my ears. “Yes, Tess. I forgive you. I know it wasn’t intentional. It’s just--” His voice turns serious, but I can still hear the smile. “Just please don’t do it again.”

While he seems to be making light of everything now for my benefit, I know deep down that he’s serious, and I understand. I also know that I’ll never make this kind of mistake again.

Ever.

But I can’t help feeling that it’s not completely resolved between us. I’m going to have to earn his trust back somehow.

Am I up to the task?

23

CHOKEHOLD

BRAD

Forgiveness. It’s such a weird fucking word. Sure, whatever fucked up thing you did is now totally fine. How does somebody get to that point of acceptance? Like, completely? Is it even possible? Or is forgiveness just for your own peace of mind? It’s just to let something go that hurts you. Either way, it feels difficult as fuck.

Do I want to forgive Tess? Absolutely. I know deep down that her mistake was unintentional. I know that in my soul. I may not know Tess that well, but I do at least know that about her. She wouldn’t purposely do something to harm Charlie, or me. Or anyone, really. That’s just not her.

So, why do I have a nagging thought in the back of my mind to be careful now? When just yesterday I was willingly throwing myself at her? Ready to jump feet first into the deep end of whatever it is we’re doing with each other. Suddenly, my feet are a little on the chilly side, and I’m not sure what to do with that.

“Let’s just take it day by day and see what happens,” I offer, not quite ready to commit to anything solid. It feels like the ground is shifting beneath me, and I want to get a little steadier before moving forward.

I can tell by Tess’s response that she’s not happy with my suggestion.

“Okay…” Her voice sounds small, and I hate the sound of it.

“I just need the dust from this to settle,” I say, not wanting to cast any more shadows on this relationship. It’s already been a rocky start. “You know? We don’t seem to make anything easy on ourselves, do we?”

There’s a bit of a sigh and laugh on the other end of the line, and I can picture Tess’s smile shining through her nervousness. Something about it pulls at me. Maybe after the emotional evening with Dakota, some internal doors were left open.

“No,” she breathes out. “But then nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, right?”

“Well, that’s bullshit. Life needs to stop with all the complications already. It’s hard enough as it is.” I consider Dakota again, and the grief that seems to still emanate from him when he thinks no one is looking. “Sometimes we just need a fucking break from having to try so hard just to survive.”

“That’s fair,” Tess says. “It would be nice for things to be easy for a change. I don’t know if I’d know how to react if they were, though.”

“I get that. Like if it’s easy, it’s too easy. It’s suspicious to not have something wrong.”

“Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about that problem anymore.” I can’t tell if she’s joking, but she’s not wrong. Today did complicate things. And I’m not sure exactly how I feel about the whole thing.

An alarm has been raised somewhere in my head, but my heart is still in this. I think. The two need to get their shit together and agree already.

I only hope this feeling is temporary.

When we get to the practice space the next day, any and all doubts I had about Tess get thrown out the fucking window. As soon as I see her, everything I like about her overtakes me. From how her smile grows wide when Charlie runs over to her, a real smile that lights up the room, to the trepidation in her eyes when she looks at me. She’s nervous that I’m still mad at her, and from the moment her eyes meet mine, any anger I may have been holding onto dissipates into the ether.

There’s no avoiding it. I like Tess.

My return smile is just as genuine, and she must sense that I’ve let things go as her shoulders relax ever so slightly. There’s a pang of guilt that I made her feel tense in any way, but I shove it aside. I was only protecting my daughter. There’s no shame in that.

I had time overnight and this morning to look at the full picture. It’s all about intentions for me. If you don’t intend to hurt someone with your actions, that needs to be taken into consideration when dealing with the fallout. I know deep down that Tess never intended to harm us. Her reactions were instant, remorseful, and loud and clear.

I also know first-hand that people make mistakes because I’m usually the one making them. It’s been my modus operandi for as long as I can remember. And if people, including Charlie, didn’t forgive me for my occasional slip-ups, I wouldn’t be here today.

We all fuck up. End of story.

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