Page 31 of The Revenge Agenda

Rush,

I know I said sorry earlier, but it’s hit me that I didn’t actually say sorry for manhandling you in the bar. So, uh, sorry about that too. Hearing that Ian was still messaging you hit me right in the ego because I was only worth two messages then radio silence. Guess you’re the kind of guy men will put in the effort for. Guess I’m not.

But as I sit here, trying to move on with my life, those messages keep playing in my head. What the hell could he possibly be saying a month later? How could he really think you’ll crack and text back when you said you haven’t so far? What’s his end game? And even as I write all that, I realize it’s none of my business.

But when I say I struggle with seeing you at work, those types of thoughts are the reason why. I think I’ll always compare us and wonder where I was lacking.

So that’s my brain dump for today, I guess it’s my turn to be sending the inappropriate emails. I know I should delete this, but I can’t bring myself to. I want you to understand.

Hunter

The more I reread what I sent, the more my confidence gurgles away, blood leaving my head like it’s been sucked down a drain. Inappropriate probably doesn’t cover that email—especially since I’m writing it buck naked. Good thing he doesn’t know that part.

“Fuck …” I moan around a laugh. Who’s Mr. Put-Together now?

There are still way too many hours until bed, and I know from experience there isn’t even any mindless TV for another few hours. I’ve walked the neighborhood to the point all the cement sidewalks and brick buildings are memorized, and I’m in danger of sitting here and zoning out until it’s late enough to order room service again.

What a life.

It’s not until half an hour and multiple refreshes of my email later that I realize something.

With a sigh, I open my emails again,

Rush,

Disregard what I said about business hours. You caught me at a bad time.

Hunter

Like I’ve said the magic word, he emails back within minutes.

Hunter,

Thank you for apologizing. Again. It was unnecessary but appreciated. As for being the kind of guy people put in the effort for, I only wish that was true. I’m the kind of guy who’s easy to take advantage of—hence why I never worked out there was something odd about a guy who’d have his phone off for days at a time. I realize now that’s shady because my friends made me a red flags for dumb-dumbs guide, it’s on a poster board hanging in my bedroom.

The messages might not be your business, but I’m happy to share the ones I’ve actually read, which wasn’t many. The first few were about missing me and trying to get me back. Then there were a few dick pics and some threats about losing him forever. One on our anniversary, another at midnight on NYE. Molly cut me off cold turkey with the messages and frequently checks that I haven’t opened them before he goes through and deletes them himself. I don’t know what the most recent ones have said and I’m not curious enough to check.

As for where you’re at, I understand. I get it. I’m also curious why you’re emailing me at eight at night when you’ve had all day to talk to me. But I think that’s one of those things you’re not supposed to ask people.

Rush

P.S. Thank you for clarifying the time thing. I was about to save this to send tomorrow but that makes things much clearer.

Does Rush realize that I have no clue who any of the people he talks about are? That’s … three? four? people he’s mentioned now. Are they friends? Family? I flop back onto the bed and cover my face with my hands. I’m not sure why his casual mention of all these seemingly supportive people is hitting me so hard. I have my parents. My sister. Friends I’ve known for years.

Friends who haven’t called to check up on me.

The loneliness tries to take hold again, but this time, I grab my phone and reread Rush’s email, settling on the very last paragraph.

Rush,

What am I doing emailing you at eight at night? Giving in to thoughts that were too loud to ignore. I might not be as mature and well-adjusted as you think.

Hunter

Hunter,

Loud thoughts are kind of my thing. Try purple music or coloring or researching ants. I also have a list of podcasts I can recommend the first few episodes of, but I’m currently on a taco hunt so I’ll have to get those to you later.

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