Page 63 of Nanny for the Firefighters

Theo, Will, and Ethan are silent. I hand Lily back to Marcus, my arms feeling unbearably empty the moment she's no longer in them.

"Ella, please reconsider," Will says quietly. "We can find a way to keep you safe."

I shake my head, unable to look any of them in the eye. "I've made up my mind. It's the only way."

Marcus steps forward, his eyes pleading. "Ella, don't do this. We need you. Lily needs you."

I take a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. "I'm doing this because I love you all. I can't bear the thought of anything happening to you because of me."

Lily's sobs are now a full-blown wail, and it takes everything in me not to break down completely. I turn and head toward the door, each step feeling like a lead weight dragging me down.

Theo's voice is like a knife. "At least tell us why, Ella. You're being a coward right now."

My shoulders stiffen, but he's right, really. "I can't," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "I can't."

I open the door, the rain outside mirroring the storm inside me. As I step out, Lily's cries follow me, a haunting echo of the love and life I'm leaving behind.

29

ETHAN

Aweek later

Pacing around my apartment, I rub at the hollow feeling that persists behind my ribcage. I've started and stopped typing out a million messages to Ella. But they all seem wrong.

Running my hands through my hair, I squeeze fistfuls to feel the tug and pain, to distract my heart long enough to think straight. I fall into my leather couch. It's soft and buttery and cool against my overheated skin.

Ella's leaving didn't land right with any of us. All of our instincts and the concerns we shared about what's happening in Ella's life swirl back through my brain. Something more is going on, and she won't tell us. She would only repeat that it wasn't working, but she wouldn't say that she wasn't happy.

They mean such distinctly different things. Especially to me.

When things don't work straight off, they can be fixed. They should be fixed. We should at least try.

Happiness can't be fixed. And I know she's been happy. We've all been happy.

So, why is she running away?

I'm determined to find the real reason, to fix whatever's not working for her. I can't just let her go.

Another ache bends me over, and I need to take action now or I will go absolutely insane. I don't want to do something stupid because of it, but I'm pretty sure that boat has already sailed. I dial Will and stand to begin pacing again.

He answers on the third ring. "Hey." Fuck, his voice sounds even more melancholy and defeated than usual. It's another stab to my heart.

"Hey. Can you track someone by their phone number? I mean, I know it's possible, but how quickly could you do it?"

There's a pause on the other end. "Not long, but why?"

"You know why. And you know who." It can't be hard to figure out. We've all just had our hearts torn out, and this is my only solution. She can ignore my texts. Avoid my calls. But she can't hide from me in person.

Will sighs on the other end of the line and finally grumbles, "Hold on. I don't want to know what you're doing in case it backfires."

"And if it doesn't?" I ask.

"I can still claim ignorance. Now, hold on."

I can hear him stand and shift, a soft door closing, and the tapping of keys and clicking of a mouse. Walking to my window, I peer out into the rainy sky and the wet pavement for my street. The gray clouds and muted sun reflect my mood.

It's the perfect kind of day to cuddle up with something hot and a woman in my arms—Ella in my arms. How did I go from getting all of the pretty women into bed to having the perfect one to simply wishing I could hold her again because she's left me?

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