Page 134 of Cast in Conflict

“No.”

“And if I have an answer and he doesn’t like it, he will...”

“He will choose a different captain. That will not change your import to me, or to us; that will not change or invalidate your life.” Very gently, he said, “It seems to me that he is telling you, in however unkind a fashion, that he cannot fill the void of purpose in your life. He cannot be your Tara.”

“I do not want Tara. It would be suffocating.”

Kaylin said nothing. The chancellor said nothing.

“He has told me what he cannot be,” Bellusdeo continued, when it was clear interruption wouldn’t save or at least distract her. “He has not told me what he can be.”

“No. But Bellusdeo, neither have you. You are not mortal; what he builds with you will last for some time, and even its dissolution—should it happen—will be a long, long unwinding. He is asking you, very indirectly, that question as well. Decide what you need; it is clear that he believes he now knows what he does.”

“You’re growling.”

“I admit a certain displeasure, yes.”

“With me?”

“With Karriamis, as you are well aware. And you are in a delicate state if you can ask that.”

She was silent. “War shaped my life.”

“Loss has shaped it far more strongly. War shaped my life. What I wanted, I could not have. I was considered a competent soldier.” At Kaylin’s cough, he emitted a thin stream of flame—in the direction of Kaylin’s feet. “I accepted the responsibility I was given. I accepted the responsibility of Arkon in the wake of the cessation of hostilities between the Barrani and our kind. It was not what I had dreamed of. It was not what I wanted.

“This,” he said, “unlooked for, was everything I once dreamed of having, but there is a weight to it, a responsibility to it, as well. Perhaps I needed all of the early responsibility to be able to bear the one I would have chosen without thought in my distant youth.

“Were I to visit your Karriamis—and I will not until I am less angry—I would have an answer almost immediately. If my life was shaped by war, and by the responsibilities that followed because those more suitable to be Arkon had perished in the wars, it was never the whole of what I wanted for myself.

“If you define your life by the things you do not want, you cannot answer the question. I thought the Academia lost,” he added, his voice softening. “And in time, a miracle such as this might be offered you—but you will not see or understand it clearly, and perhaps you will fail to grasp it with both hands.

“Think, Bellusdeo. Think of what you dreamed of, think of what your sisters dreamed of, when your life was confined in the Aerie. And if your answer is vengeance, so be it—but after vengeance, what will you seek? What will you do? If you desire the Tower, there must be an answer.”

19

The dining table was empty when Kaylin went downstairs for dinner. She had changed out of work clothing automatically; Helen pointed out that she had somehow miscounted buttons.

Hope had been silent for the remainder of the day, but he sat on her shoulder, his snout against her cheek.

“I don’t know if I agree with the Arkon.”

“The chancellor, dear.”

“Yes, him.”

“Why?”

“Where’s everyone else?”

“The cohort is somewhat exhausted, and Sedarias does not feel like eating in company.”

Meaning the company of outsiders, Kaylin thought glumly. She didn’t expect Bellusdeo to come down for dinner either. Emmerian had escorted them to the edge of the property, but had not passed through the gates that marked the actual boundary of Helen.

He had been silent—but orange-eyed—throughout the walk home. Since Bellusdeo was likewise silent, it had been an almost funereal walk, because Mandoran didn’t poke or tease, either.

Helen’s Avatar joined Kaylin at the table itself. “Yes, it’s difficult,” she said quietly. “But it is not a question you can answer for her.”

“It’s not a question I can answer for anyone,” Kaylin replied. “When I was younger, I used to think that everyone should want to be a Hawk. Everyone would find what they needed or what they were looking for there.”

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