Page 123 of Cast in Conflict

“Yeah, me either.” That was Terrano.

“I think she might have,” Serralyn chimed in.

“Don’t look at me.” This was Eddorian. “I’ll just say that I’m really appreciating Alsanis at the moment.”

Sedarias looked to Teela.

“Kaylin is just idealistic enough, just determined enough, that if she were panicking she might. But I doubt it. You said Severn tried.”

Kaylin nodded.

“Did he succeed?”

“No, he stopped. He stopped himself. But...we both knew.”

“And you were not angry.” Teela had chosen to speak in Barrani, unlike the rest of her cohort.

“No—why would I be? I understood why he did it. He was angrier—at himself—than I was.”

Teela then turned to Sedarias, and as one, they all did. “You are afraid of many things. Becoming your monstrous brother was—no, is—one of them. He would not have hesitated. Had he been in your position, either you or Mandoran would now be enslaved. Mandoran would likely otherwise be dead. You fear many things.

“So did I. But—we were taught to fear, in the end. We were taught that there was only one way to be fearless. Power. And even that was defined very, very narrowly. My father killed my mother.”

They knew.

“I will not become my father, but I am afraid to become my mother, as well. It is why I will never have either spouse or children.”

Kaylin had never heard this before. “There’s no way you could become either your father or your mother, now.”

Teela lifted a hand, palm flat, in Kaylin’s direction. “I think it is past time for you to leave.”

“I vote against,” Mandoran said.

Both Sedarias and Teela turned to glare at him.

“...but she could try harder to stay on topic.”

Terrano snickered, and Kaylin understood that the storm that had been Sedarias had passed. It had quieted.

“It is not quiet enough, dear, but yes, you are right.”

“It’s never going to be enough, though,” Kaylin told Helen. “I didn’t really think about it, but: this is all inside all of them. What happens here—it can be unpleasant or terrifying—but...” She stopped, because in answering Helen she had drawn the attention of the cohort. She reddened.

“You accept things from each other that I would never accept from other people. If someone tried to kill me on a battlefield, I’d assume that person hated me. Or wanted me dead. I’d assume one thing, one motivation. But if I daydream about strangling Marcus, I accept it because everyone does that on his bad hair days. I mean, everyone. No one says it. No one has to say it.

“But—you have to accept it. Because you’re on the inside of each other’s thoughts all the time.” She turned to Terrano. “It’s why you weren’t surprised, just exhausted.”

He winced but nodded.

“Look,” she said, to Sedarias, “I understand your fears. All of them. I’ve had them. I get it. But: they know you. You can’t tell yourself if they knew what I was really like, they’d hate me, because they do know what you’re really like. They’ve known it for centuries. For practically ever.

“They’re not trying to escape you.”

“Serralyn and Valliant—”

“Serralyn was born for the Academia. You can’t not know that. Valliant isn’t as obvious, but my guess is he wants what the Academia offers as well. You didn’t rage at Eddorian when he chose to remain with Alsanis and his brother.”

“Oh, she did,” Eddorian said.

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