Page 29 of One Hot Summer

Sarah cringed. She wanted to be sick. She wanted to leave. She wanted her best friend to hurry the hell up and call her back! She sent another message, not caring if Nigel saw.

I was laughing so much I could hardly breathe.

“And then! He proceeded to tell me about the best position for reaching an orgasm if in a confined space such as a toilet cubicle. After that I was too scared to use the loo in case he followed me! He also mansplained oral sex, and I think I can confidently say from his explanation that he’s never experienced it, giving or receiving.”

“Stop!” I was finally able to speak. “Please stop, I can’t take any more. This is too funny.”

“I’m deleting that app.”

“No, you’re not,” I insisted. “It was the first date. You’ve popped your blind-date cherry. It is time to find your second date.”

“Do I have to?”

“Absolutely. This is fun, I can see why you sent me on so many. We just need a better vetting system. I’ll help you find your next one. But most importantly, what is Nigel’s blog link? I have to see it.”

“I have no idea, I was too scared to ask. Anyway, if you read it, it might put you off sex forever. I stopped listening when he tried telling me how to find the male G-spot. That is the time your emergency call finally came through, so I still don’t know the answer, thank God. Tell me something to get my mind off the thought. What did you do today?”

“I ate vegan food at a vegan barbeque.”

“Shut up. You? I don’t believe you.”

“Well, believe it. I’m even thinking of converting. I have seen the light, and the light is leaves mushed up and shaped into sausages.”

“Now I know you’re lying. You’d never give up bacon sandwiches.”

She knows me far too well. I told her about my brother’s secret stash of meaty treats in his garage. He managed to briefly take me in there, telling his wife he was showing me his new Tesla, when he really wanted to show me the storage cupboard, which was actually an integrated fridge.

“That’s hilarious.”

“Why doesn’t he just do what he likes? That’s what I don’t get. He always seems to go along with what she wants. It’s like he doesn’t have a voice in his own family environment.” It was the same with my own parents. There never was any middle ground.

“That could be marriage,” Sarah said with a sigh. “Not like you or I know anything about that. There’ll be sacrifices and compromises. As long as everyone’s broadly happy. Maybe having a happy wife is what makes Andrew happy.”

“She has a new trend to try every year. You watch, she will want them all to live in a mud hut in the middle of the woods, without electricity or running water next.”

Sarah laughed. “I think that’s a bit extreme. Although I still remember their wedding breakfast, with the food served on banana leaves.”

“Ha! My mum still hasn’t gotten over that. It didn’t help that I told her to watch out for exotic African spiders hiding in amongst them. Anyway, I need to share my most exciting piece of news…” I hesitated, leaving Sarah in suspense while Zack parked up. I motioned to him that I’d be in shortly. “…Zack has asked me to go on holiday with him.”

“Ooh! How exciting! When are you going? Where will you go?”

“I’m not sure. Somewhere hot and sunny, walking distance to the beach, food on demand, private pool, balcony optional.”

“You’re not asking for much then.” She laughed. “You’ll get some good deals this time of year too, I bet.”

“Hopefully. I think we’ll get looking properly over the next few weeks. We just need to get this meal out of the way with his parents, first.”

“You’re meeting the parents too? This is a night of big news. When’s this happening?”

“I don’t know, he’s just got inside so might be giving them a call now. I’m so nervous. I get the impression they’re really well off. I hope they don’t suggest somewhere posh to eat. Those places always serve tiny portions of pretentious food. Do you remember your Aunty Susan’s wedding in York?”

“Oh yes,” she said, laughing. “When you made me sneak out with you to the KFC down the road before the evening guests arrived?”

“I was starving! That piece of pork was so small it may as well have been served on a cocktail stick.”

“Well, find out where his parents want to take you first, and check out the menu. Then eat before you go if you have to.”

“That’s a good idea. Anyway, we need to meet up soon and find your next date.”

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