Page 37 of Taking Control
My weakness helped to fuel a monster that blinded me.
“I know that you’re hurting right now, and I know that my words aren’t going to have much of an effect at this moment in time but hear me when I say that none of this was your doing. You never asked for this, Lucy. You never asked for a man to shatter your trust after you gave it so freely––”
“Cal, you need to stop making excuses for me––”
“I’m not making excuses,” he says, cutting me off like I did to him a few seconds ago. “I’m telling you what you need to hear. You are the bravest, strongest, kindest woman that I have ever known. You, Lucy, are a fucking soldier. I can’t even begin to imagine what that asshole has done to you, and I know the road ahead is going to be painful, but you will heal. You will fight and become even stronger than you are now. You will battle, because I know that you will never give up.”
His words.
Oh, his words.
How I wish that they were true.
If only I could believe them.
If I could just take them, swallow them and let them take over all of the uncertainty that I feel.
If.
Always if.
“And you’re not going to face that battle alone,” Cal continues. “I will be beside you. I will be with you. I will be everything that you need me to be.”
“You can’t do that, Cal. You can’t just stop your life to hold my hand, it wouldn’t be fair to you.” I would hate for him to take pity on me. I know he wants to help, but fuck, it’s going to take more than a quick therapy session to untangle the multitude of mess in my head. And I’m not sure I want him to see when the bomb drops, and I can no longer keep up the pretence of being okay.
“I will never force you to do anything that you don’t want to do, and I know that this isn’t exactly the best time to say what I’m about to but… What kind of a man would it make me to walk away from the woman that I love?”
I suck in a breath.
He’s told me he loves me before, and I have always dreamed of those words coming out of his mouth, but now it feels tainted, abused, just like me.
“Cal, you’ve always loved me as a friend, I know that, but I’m not your responsibility.” I hate each word that comes out of my mouth, but I can’t allow myself to think that I am worthy of a deeper love. Not now. Not ever.
Cal shifts forward, so that he is closer to me, his hands still on my face, his body a whisker away and his forehead resting against mine.
“I really always have had shitty timing with speaking the truth, Lucy, and when it comes to you, I’ve kept quiet for far too long because it’s never been the right time for us…” His voice trails off as he takes a deep breath and my heart feels a little flutter of something other than fear.
“You have had my heart from day one. From the moment that I met you, I knew. I knew that you were the other half of me. When I say that I love you, know that I mean as a friend, as a soulmate, and as the only person to ever make me feel like they are my reason for living.
“I’ve been a coward, I’ve run away, I’ve been absent for too damn long. But I’m not going anywhere ever again. I’m here to prove that I am worthy of loving you. I’m here to show you that you are everything a man desires. And I will wait. I will always wait for you. And if you never want me, then at least I won’t have to live with the regret that I have carried around since I was a kid.
“I don’t want to scare you, and I don’t want you to feel as if you have to answer me now. Just… I just…” He seems lost for words as he looks at me, and my heart shatters for a completely different reason.
Cal loves me.
I love Cal.
I’ve never told him, and the pain that pierces my aching heart tells me that I may never tell him. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I can be the person that he needs me to be.
He knows the old Lucy, and the new.
He might be expecting me to go back to the version that he grew up with.
But she’s gone.
She’s not coming back.
And I have no idea who she is going to be in the future.
