Page 52 of Taking Control
“I am, and I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to feel happy that he’s been knocked about, but it’s there, a happy thought that he’s getting his comeuppance. Fuck, Cal, he’s ruined me more than I ever thought possible. How can I be happy about this? Why am I happy about this? Why, why, why?” I’m rambling, my body shaking. I can’t be like him, I just can’t.
“Lucy, calm down, you’re nothing like––”
“Yes, I am,” I shout, hating that I’m talking to Cal in this way, but panic has me acting out of character.
“For fuck’s sake, will you listen to me?” Cal says, matching the level that I just shouted. It jolts me, and I know he hates that he shouted, but he couldn’t get my attention any other way. It doesn’t frighten me that he shouts, because it’s Cal, and I would trust him with my life. He’s the only person that I would ever trust with my life.
I shut my mouth and just look at him, focusing on him and what he is about to say.
“You. Are. Nothing. Like. Him,” he starts, saying each word slowly and clearly. “You could never be like him, Lucy, because you’re a good person. You’re caring, loving, and you radiate warmth even after everything you have been through. Your reaction is perfectly normal. That guy made you suffer in silence for months, in fact, I’d be slightly worried if you didn’t feel some kind of kick from him experiencing a fleeting moment of what you endured for months.
“You’re not a monster, Lucy, you’re a human, and we all feel things we shouldn’t, but that is part of life. Don’t dismiss what you feel, allow yourself to embrace it and accept it because that is how you move on. That is how you put all of this behind you when the time comes, and how you become even stronger than you are now.
“You are everything, Lucy, and I will spend every day making you see just how special you are.”
Fuck me.
His words.
His voice.
His love.
I can feel it coming off of him in waves.
I can feel his emotion radiating around us.
I can feel his heart pumping fast, beating wildly against my fingertips. Somewhere along the line, I moved my hands as they are now placed on his chest. Somewhere along the line, he moved closer to me, kneeling between my legs, my thighs either side of his chest. Somewhere along the line, there was another switch between us.
I should feel sad, but I don’t.
I should feel awful for Michael, but I don’t.
I shouldn’t be feeling excitement as Cal looks at me like I am his world.
I shouldn’t allow my heart to race with the possibility of something happening between us.
I shouldn’t be hoping to take things further with Cal.
But I am.
I’m experiencing all of the above.
I want to kiss him.
I want to make love to him.
I want to be his.
I want to move on.
I want to live again, with him.
“Cal,” I whisper as I let my hands glide up from his chest to cup his face. He closes his eyes as if the touch of my skin on his is too much. I don’t want this to be too much for him, but I’ve spent years doing what others wanted. I’ve never really done what I have wanted to do, what I should have done before now. I want to be honest and show Cal just what he means to me.
“Lucy, don’t do this if you’re not sure,” he says, eyes still closed, his fingers gently gripping my thighs. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but fuck, I’ve been waiting for this moment for years, so please, if you’re not sure, don’t do it…” His voice trails off and I can hear the emotion in his voice.
Waiting for years.
